Fear, Passion and Purity

Last Saturday as my hairdresser set out to save my unkempt hairstyle from fashion doom, I read "Every Woman's Battle (Discovering God's Plan for Sexual and Emotional Fulfillment" by Shannon Ethridge in one intense sitting.

The book put me in a pretty sober even melancholy mood throughout the whole weekend. The book was not radical or thought provoking in terms of issues raised - it was the usual rehash of the need to stay pure and chaste. The difference was her frankness about how women had to continually fight to keep their purity throughout dating, courtship and in their marriage.

Ethridge was quite upfront - if we women thought it was appalling that men could not keep their eyes from straying even after they got married, we had to take a really close look at how often women let their hearts and minds stray. Many women are guilty of conducting virtual emotional and mental affairs - only some were unlucky enough to get caught when they acted upon the affairs in reality. Ethridge's warning was that if we never learnt to discipline our hearts in our singlehood, we might carry this habit even after marriage: thus allowing the roots of adulterous affairs to take place.

The book scared me. I sometimes laugh at how fast men's heads swivel around on the street at the sight of a pretty girl - but I find it far more serious when I see how fast my own heart can swivel around in the presence of an attractive man. I found myself wondering throughout the day: So why do we women do this? Why can't I get a grip on my heart and mind as much as I would like to? Why do a few choice words or sweet gestures make my resolve melt?

I know I should stay open to being touched by a man's sweet words and lovely gestures - as a single woman, if you put up too unrelenting, too judgmental a wall, you run the painful risk of never letting yourself be open to love and being loved by the right man.

But yet, I don't want to be so open to being touched by words and gestures that suddenly you cannot discern who the right man is any more. Your fickle heart just starts to fall for any man who pushes the right emotional and mental buttons. I don't want to be that undiscerning single woman. And for the future, I don't want to be that adulterous wife either.

I don't think I was ready to date in my early 20s - I was too fearful and insecure in my own identity. I used to say flippantly that I have no problems staying single for the rest of my life if need be because I was scared to hope, scared of disappointment and scared of being let down by God.

Approaching 30 this year, I can finally say quite confidently I know who I am, I know what I want in life, I know the kind of man I can last a lifetime with and I am no longer afraid to hope.

Still, I need to keep watch over my old fears - because it pays not to be overconfident and complacent. Old fears have deep roots and are remarkably resilient and ever-ready to grow again.

What am I scared of? What fears and lies tempt me away from being wise and beckon me towards the path of destruction?

In all honesty:
I have always been scared of not being physically attractive enough.
I have always been scared that good character does not make enough difference to men, even Christian men.
I get scared that God is not as faithful as I believe. That He could not be bothered with my petty desires
I get scared that That This is As Good As It Gets and You Should Just Take what the world has to offer for God does not have better plans for me.
I get scared that patience, faith and hopin God's plans are silly notions - better to be impatient, take things into your own hands and hope you yourself can force things to work.

The fears are very very real in their ability to knock me off course despite my knowing that the fears are very very false.

And so, only Truth sets me free.

So this is what I know is True:
God loves me - in Him, I have significance and security and no fear that I am without worth.
His love transforms me because I see the way He wants me to be and His love helps me believe I can be that way.
God loves the men and women of this world - they all have worth and significance in Him.
His love will transform them the same way that they transform me.

God Makes a Difference. People who have finally accepted that God loves them can be transformed. When you know you are loved, you suddenly feel you can do anything. You feel renewed and reborn - that somebody has looked past all your weaknesses and dirtiness and seen the gold within. You can be Good again because you finally found someone who believes you will be Good.

And God is faithful - His plans to remake us in His image, remake our relationships into purer kinder relationships will come to pass. And patience, faith and hope will see their reward not just in the unseen future but also in the present.

There is so much that is mysterious to me right now. So much unknown that should scare me.
I don't know who God has in store for me at the end of the day
But the patience for God's timing to unfold, and faith in the Goodness of His plans puts peace in my heart that helps me wait.

And this day at least, and prayerfully every other day to come,
I can believe that I will find the strength to stay patient and stay pure while I wait.

Fools rush in where angels fear to tread.

Help me God, not to be a Fool.

A Man and a Woman

True love never can be rent
But only true love can keep beauty innocent

I could never take a chance
Of losing love to find romance
In the mysterious distance
Between a man and a woman
No I could never take a chance
‘Cos I could never understand
The mysterious distance
Between a man and a woman

You can run from love
And if it’s really love it will find you
Catch you by the heel
But you can’t be numb for love
The only pain is to feel nothing at all
How can I hurt when I’m holding you?

The soul needs beauty for a soul mate
When the soul wants… the soul waits …

For love and faith and sex and fear
And all the things that keep us here
In the mysterious distance
Between a man and a woman

A Man and a Woman, U2

Ever wondered if guys think exposed bra straps are THAT big a deal?

I must say this is quite a well done website with a pretty interesting survey on what men consider immodest - the questions go into a lot of detail about what men (from various age groups) find difficult to keep their eyes off. The two guys who conducted this survey have really done some impressive homework - questions range from exposure of the small of a back, to pulling off a sweater, to slinging a bag across the chest, wearing glitter lotion etc.

The results are pretty revealing (bad pun) and the comments are candid, funny and some even moving. I learnt a couple of things myself that I would NEVER have thought would feature as a potential stumbling block.

The really nice part about this survey I guess was to know how many men out there cared enough to answer this survey and put their comments out there to guard and encourge women.

It is genuinely moving and sweet to read the encouraging comments left by so many of the men - from 16 to 45 - to let women know they care about inner beauty and genuine modesty and are open and apologetic about the ways in which they discourage women from believing any less about them.

The Politics of Food, Weight and Women

Post CNY binging guilt, I found myself at the gym tonight and the whole place was PACKED to the brim - with lots more women than men. It got me thinking about how many of them were there because they were thinking of that last 10 pieces of bak kwa or pineapple tart that they were wishing desperately would leave their systems.

I swear the big difference between men and women is that men never feel the need to apologise or justify for what they eat. But women seem hardwired to feel some kind of compulsion to explain themselves when it comes to issues of food, weight and their appetite. Women with large appetites get the once-over from other women, "Wow. You can really eat a lot eh." (which can come with a loaded hint that a proper woman should not eat like a piggish man) Women with small appetites also get the once-over,"Eh, why you eat so little. You on a diet?" (of which, then comes an embarrassed revelation "Yes I am on a diet" akin to a confession of moral weakness)

Take the simple statement: "I don't want to eat carbs."
This is sometimes followed up with either a sheepish "I know I sound stupid and neurotic" look or a smug "yeah, cos carbs are BAD for you" or even a challenging "wanna make something out of it?" or perhaps a long explanation of why such an earth-shattering decision was made.

What's even more interesting is how women respond to such statements by other women.

Take the typical "I put on so much weight/I am fat" which will be instantly followed by either an encouraging chorus of "No, no, you are not fat." or a mini contest of ego-battery "No, please, look at MY THIGHS. I am fatter than you. No way you are fat cos what does that make me?" - It's like this strange tactic of affirmation by self-demolition.

Seriously, I wonder why men's heads don't explode from trying to navigate the female brain's complex wiring around the most seemingly mundane (to the men) issues.

The reason why questions like "Honey, do I look fat in this?" or statements like "I put on so much weight" sound so loaded is because it is loaded with a whole minefield of neuroses. The mundane statements touch on far more profound questions beneath the surface: about self-respect, fear of being mocked etc. It doesn't even seem to matter if you are skinny or fat, or put on a whole bunch of weight or lost a bunch of weight - every girl has had to deal with the politics of how to give or take in conversations revolving around food, weight and looks.

Of course, I am just as neurotic about all this as the next woman - thankfully a little less neurotic than I was in my nutjob teen years.

SB offered me a cream puff today, "Do you want a cream puff?"

Thinking of my post CNY guilt, I answered sheepishly,"Ya. But I don't think I can."

SB laughed," Don't be silly lah. Have a cream puff."

When I gave him another helpless shrug and said, "Cannot." He rolled his eyes, "Women. You are all crazy."

Yep, that we are. :)

Ah for the freedom of being a man, eating like a pig and then patting his belly proudly with his buddies. Seriously, there seems to be alot more jollies in a pack of men sharing the woeful beginnings of a pot belly. It's like a mutual "Buddy-boys, it's all down hill from here. Let's go get a prata."

It seems like in a guy's world, things are just more black and white and objective.
Pot belly = Pot belly

whereas in the girl's world, all things have strings attached.
Pot Belly = I have no self-control/I am not attractive/I am useless/I am not sexy/I am a loser/I am not as good as my friends.

Funny thing is - I suspect that when we are talking about issues of career, work and money-making, the roles might be reversed. as in girls will not take earning less than peers, or getting sacked as harshly as their male equivalents.

Hmmm....food for thought. :)

Bad Boys

corto1
Originally uploaded by neonangel.

since i have been having so many wordy entries, it's time for a silly picture break. Me in Florence, playing besotted bimbo to Hugo Pratt's legendary Corto Maltese. (There was a Corto Maltese exhibition on)

Corto is pretty much everything that Pastor Chris warned us women to stay away from over the weekend - dashing, debonair, wealthy, exciting and ambitious. Plus Corto's wicked "Mr Darcy " sideburns and pirate-y earring are just dead giveaways that he is one Bad Boy. (In the comics, Corto has a trail of international girlfriends...the fiend!) I admit - the stylishness of the character blew me away. Pratt really pinned down the suave sailor archetype he was going for.

ah well.

too bad not all bad boys are 2 dimensional paper creations so that women can stay smart and stay away from them.

Actually, you know, ... bad boys are truly two dimensional flat things. They are not that complex at the day - love them, leave them, blah blah blah angst, repeat cycle. The bad boy is not called a bad boy for nothing....he never really grows up. Their cultivated air of "deepness" is really nothing much at the end of the day.

I say give me the complicated workings of the man of God any day! Now THAT is a real 3D, REALLY deep type of man. His angst at least will be well founded on the angst to do God's will rather than angst over goodness knows what.

And as the Venerable Pastor Chris reminded us so sagely, boys and girls, ....when you see a wise man or woman of God, GRAB THEM YOU IDIOT...why let a good thing slip by for a chance with the pseudo exciting Corto-s around (and Corto-seans for that matter)!

"Joshua raised the bar!" and other funny conversations

Post ARPC mass meeting, a bunch of us went for drinks at Adam Road hawker centre. Amusing table talk centred around what guys should do to get girls interested in them (hint: it may not be the ability to carve salad bowls and candle-sticks. Or worse, crying while being moved at how well you carve the bowls).

Which led DaMooMan to joke, "It's all church camp's fault. Now every girl in ARPC wants a guy like Pastor Joshua Ng. What hope is there for the rest of us now that he has set the bar so high?" Apparently, Joshua's much lauded choking up when talking about little son and his little Star Wars reenactments with said son had endeared him to many women at ARPC.

I thought about it - I definitely must have thought "awwww....look at how sensitive and sweet the guy is." But that was not the big thing that moved me most. It was more like a "look at how much God matters to this guy." What some of us girls found really moving about the whole thing was he was not just crying about missing his son, but more because he was moved that his little son knew why his father had to sacrifice family time to spread the gospel. That last heart wrenching plea for us to live for Christ and live out His ways sacrificially in all that we do, spreading the true gospel was amazing.

for a man (or woman for that matter) to be attractive, and assuming he/she is going for a godly partner, all he/she really has to do is to seek God first.

It seems to be a simple win-win situation actually. If in becoming more godly, you end up attracting a very godly man/woman, you hit the jackpot - a walk closer to Christ and a new ministry focused more on your spouse and children. If in becoming more godly, you end up still not getting attached, you also hit the jackpot - a walk closer to Christ and an abundance of time and freedom for opportunities to minister . In both cases, you get contentment and joy, albeit in different ways.

But the source stays the same - God supplies the joy.

Singles like me can live on that hope. Joy comes in many forms and singlehood and marriage are both equally lovely gifts because they come from a lovely Giver.

As an odd postscript, I just got my first clandestine inquiry if i minded being "set-up" with some mysterious guy. heh. guess it was just a matter of time before the "setting up" phenomenon came my way. i hear it's catching on in our little church post church camp.
________________

yet another postscript - conversation with the Moth and CatGirl at church. Thought it was funny because it kinda reminded me of the kind of rubbish conversations about pop culture that might happen in Seinfeld or in Clerks (the Kevin Smith movie)

Moth: I hate touchy feely...!
Me: No you don't you are a musician and music is all about the touchy feely
Catgirl: Bach is quite mathematical actually.
Me: But he likes jazz and soul..that's quite touchy feely.
Moth: No it's not. It comes from here (jabs his own chest)
Me: and that's not touchy feely? in a manly way? anyway It's called SOUL ... that's quite touchy feely
Moth: I am NOT touchy feely. I watch war movies like Band of Brothers... Saving Private Ryan
Me: Saving Private Ryan is like the girliest war movie around.
Catgirl: Yeah actually it is quite touchy feely.
Moth: No it's not!
Me: Oh come on...the last scene where the old guy is weeping over the grave....
Catgirl: "I hope my life was worth it...." sob sob
Moth: OK...ya that was quite (rubs goose pimples on hand and shivers)...but it's not a girly movie!!!!

heehee.

mating rituals of the glam & restless

I was innocously marking terrible essays by kids ("I like playing ruby. Ruby is fun. I like my ruby coach....." URGHHHHHHHHHH) at cedele depot down at raffles city round 4pm....

...when all of a sudden a swishy, glammy Chinese couple settle down the seat next to me. I would not have looked up except both were speaking in super thick genuine sounding american accents. Both were quite urban fashionista looking and were above average lookers - the man had a fashionable leather man-bag, a slick looking goatee and fetching office wear; the woman had perfect makeup, a slick ponytail, a very cute classic handbag-jazzy skirt-sweet little sweather look. Both were wearing similar shades of black, white and grey colours.

It was hard to ignore the conversation they were having right next to me. Me guess is I hardly look like I move in their exalted circles so I did not present enough of a threat for them to have PC conversation. They were SO OBVIOUSLY FLIRTING with each other - the guy being alot more aggressive and obvious; the girl was quite coy. I swear I had to stop my eyeballs from rolling in sockets as I tried to concentrate on marking.

This is my summary of their little mating ritual:
(I KID YOU NOT! You think I can actually make this stuff up?)

ENTER GlamGal (GG) and GlamMan (GM).
GG sweetly settles GM in his seat and brings him his coffee and gets variety of cookies.

GG plays 'sweet little girl / sex-goddess-of-your-dreams' card:
Quotable quote: "Ohhh I love a good cookie. It's like a good kiss....you just want to have more and more with every taste. And a good cup of tea....that's like a nice weekend - warm and relaxing."

GM parries with 'sweet man-who-notices-your-inner-beauty' card
Quotable quote: "You know what I like about you? You are so genteel and sweet. (ok this is funny when you compare to what happens later)

GM plays ' Look at my flirty rogue side'
Quotable quote: "When you asked me for coffee or tea, I was hoping you would add the "or me" part'

GG plays 'i am not a forward woman' card
Quotable quote: "You know I have a friend who I want to introduce to you. She's your type."

GM plays 'i am not that into you' card
Quotable quote:"Well then, tell me is she hot?"

GM goes for shock and awe tactic
Quotable quote: "But more importantly, tell me, are you palming me off? Do I scare you?"

GG plays trump card ' I am highly desired by others'. She gets phone call which she entertains for a full 15 minutes - obviously talking to another male friend who is flirting with her on phone. She simultaneously assures GM she knows he still exists by caressing his chin to turn his head towards her in sweet manner.

Quotable quote: "Oh (Friend on phone), don't you want to know what I do with all my boy toys?"

VERY Quotable quote:: "Oh yes he's back in town again. I don't understand him. I mean I will do my duties to him as a good wife but apart from that he can't expect much else." (!!!!!!!good grief she's married!)

GM trying hard to disguise his peeved state. Bored, looks around and sadly my table has nothing of interest save many ugly looking giam-chye essays of my students with multiple red marks. FOr a moment there is discernable silence as they try to figure out how to continue after awkward phonecall.

GM plays final hand ' I am a man of mystery for you to unwind' card
Quotable quote: "You know you think I am obvious but actually I have a lot more underneath than you think. I used to have problems with my self-esteem but the moment I got it back, I said never again will I doubt myself"

GG cool, composed and with upper hand
Quotable quote:"There is a lot about me you have yet to find out as well."

They then get up to leave with strange non-sequitur
GG "what are you wearing tomorrow?"
GM "I am thinking of a white top, with black shorts perhaps (etc details)"
GG "so I will be seeing you tommorrow then?"
GM "definintely, I'll make sure of it"

END OF STUDY IN MATING RITUALS

geez was that a strange marking session. A lot more interesting than the stuff my kids wrote about at least!

can you marry anyone?

can you marry anyone?

that seems to be a question that presses on in circles of singles. . Hwees blogged on that recentlyAre we being too choosy when we answer 'No" to that question? When Christ called us to love our fellow man, does that mean technically we can love everyone?

I think the trick lies in figuring out whether one has the right concept of love in the first place. "Love" as in the "Love your God with all your heart, mind, strength...Love yout neighbour".

Yes, I agree we are called to love our fellow man to the best of our ability.
Yes, I agree that many arranged marraiges work.
But I disagree with the notion that it is being "picky" to say "I dont believe we can marry anyone as long as we try...especially if we are christians"

I would like to consider the case of friendship: From strangers to mere acquaintances to best friends - I am called to do my best to Love them as deep and true as Christ did. I try to extend the same courtesies, grace and favour I do on my best friend to strangers especially in times of need.

Yet even while I try to Love everyone, I recognise that only a precious few will become my best friends, my most beloved and trusted of buddies. Even if Christ has liberated me enough that I am comfortable being myself with practically everyone I know, it does not mean I am blessed with 200 best friends. I am blessed with a handful that almost seemed crafted for me to have that instant "click" with.

WIth some friends, there is a natural synergy that goes beyond having the same goals and values. To be trite, it's that "x-factor'. WIth some people, you find a natural resting place, a Home to find rest in, a place of easy laughter. With some people, you find the comfort of just being, without having to fill it up with conversation or activty. Like there is a rightness. a fit, a Design.

I try to love everyone as a neighbour, but some seem to be Destined to become the best neighbours I have ever known. It does not mean once I found my best neighbours I can stop loving everyone. I am called to do so regardless of the blessings of best friends that have been sent my way. Everyone must be my friend - nay, everyone must be trated as precious and designed by God,

That is what I think it will be like for marriage.

My stance as a single christian woman - every man (indeed every woman as well!) is to be treated with the Love of Christ. Patience, kindness, gentleness...Corinthians 13 kind of Love.

But you cannot marry everyone of them. It is as impossible as expecting everyone to be your best friend. You can Love everyone but you do not need to marry everyone of them. You can befriend everyone but you do not need to be everyone's best friend. God has a plan for each of us - unique individuals. There are other unique individuals He will bring into our lives to really impact, and other unique individuals He will send into other people's lives to impact.

Walking into every friendship and expecting them to be your bestt buddy in the world is just as silly and even unloving as walking past every guy and expecting them to be your husband. It is a emotional burden you place on them: what can you Give me in this relationship? It is not wrong to expect people to live up to a standard of human decency but it is wrong to expect everyone (and i suspect anyone) to be as self-sacrificing as Christ. It is a given Truth that while all of us live on this earth, we are all sinners.

More importantly, it is wrong to prioritise what people can Give you in a relationship over what you can give them.

Note it is different from walking into every friendship and treating them as if they are worthy and valuable as your best friend. That's Loving. It's not that Love is given without expectancy. To clarify:Love is freely given without expectancy of reward or it being deserving. That is Graciousness.We need to walk into every relationship in our life with the expectancy to serve and to give.

Sometimes I think we single christian women whine rather too loudly about why our single christian brothers do not turn to us and love us (aka romance and marry us). We are after all wonderful desirable godly creatures right? Men suck. Men don't know what they are missing out on. Men blind etc. etc. Or Women only care about money. Women will never go out with ugly men. Women suck.

Where is the grace?

OK...while there may be grains of truth there (harhar) I think it is unproductive and after a while, silly to keep up with that refrain. Plus I think there is some degree of maliciousness in thinking, "THE MEN/WOMEN DON'T GET IT". I admit I am guilty ot thinking that and always when I do, I realise it does ZERO to encourage or edify my christian brothers or sisters. It is a statement of no hope, no peace and no understanding. Is that treating each other with gentleness?

Why do we worry of such things? Our hope has always been in Christ and the Kingdom of God. a new heavens and a new earth. We all, single and married have new life within.

Life does not start at birth, nor does it start with your first kiss, nor the moment you become one flesh with your beloved. Life starts the moment you realised God was your Father, Maker, Saviour and Lord.

Ask, Seek, Open your eyes, Unstop your ears, Soften your heart.....and be amazed at how fast God will fill you with enigmatic peace and joy within.

We have a whole world of people to Love. Among them, perhaps there will be one that we will be blessed with to marry or perhaps we may walk this world alone For a Little While. It does not matter.

All that does is for us to watch, hope and pray and always, always Feed His Sheep.....be they Clueless Bachelors or SIlly Spinsters or Smug Marrieds.

Beautiful/Ugly

So tonight's post pool session rubbish topic was: Can ugly people ever seem beautiful? Or more politically correct....can people who do not look like gods and goddesses ever hope to look remotely attractive?
we were trying to dig up possible examples from society. Mothman cites "Harvey Keitel". I raise a "Steve Buscemi" (ooh that one is tough call). I thought "Mark Lee" of Jack Neo's gang of comics qualified. For all his pockmarked, ah-beng glory, I think Mark Lee has some x-factor that I can see as attractive.

We finally settled on whatever it is, a person must have "Seh" - an air of "Phwoar, he/she has got something" An elusive kind of charisma that just radiates.

I find it hard to be attracted to perfect lookers. Take Brad Pitt, Jude Law, Orlando Bloom as Legolas and Takeshi Kaneshiro. Or MIchelle Pfieffer, Zhang Ziyi, any random supermodel. All deadly chisled and honed classic good looks to a fault. Being attracted right away to them is not even an option - That kind of good looks you would stop and do a double take for. The truth is we all cannot help but look and marvel at something close to perfection. But amazing as they are, they don't fire my imagination, their presence does not linger or haunt my mind. I need to know more about them, what stories they come with before that happens.

The human body is like a marvelous live canvas - our life stories should mark it. Which is one reason why I never liked the whole Botox-facelift-pancake makeup nonsense. Why would you want to erase the signs of age to look like a cariacature of youth?

I think imperfection is underrated. Perfect beauty is definitely head-turning but imperfection more often than not captures the mysterious "Seh".

Imperfection has a realness, an edge, a strange haunting unpretentious earthy quality. It is like looking at something raw and honest. There is power and profoundity in the unfinished and unvarnished. Like acoustic live music compared to studio perfected tunes. Or a quick sketch in a dog-eared sketch book compared to a finished framed artwork. Or hearing people talk about their lives in an unrehearsed moment compared to a delivered polished speech.

Imperfection is less obvious, subtle, profound. I like people that show a life interestingly lived in their faces and bodies...it reflects something closer to the truth of this world. Scars, tattoos, signs of old teenage acne, a lined face without makeup, skinniness, athletic sinews, a few pounds overweight, stretch marks, wrinkles around the eyes, hands that have obviously done hard work, a slight unconfident hunch. Its like a little collection of stories to be deconstructed.

I think Kate Winslet's earthiness makes her beauty more profound than Michelle Pfieffer. I like Kristen Scott Thomas' sad, slightly crow feet lined eyes. Mother Teresa's worn face radiates something deeper and lovelier for every haunting line drawn across it.

I guess "Seh" arises when something meaningful, something that speaks of a person's private beliefs or hard-worn character shines through the cracks. A less classically good looking person can suddenly look wonderful if you see him/her with new eyes. An already good looking person blessed with an equally gorgeous character....phwoar. That admittedly would be potent combo! :) But meanwhile, my heart is with the less perfect.

I once observed a guy I knew playing with kids in a child care centre. Back then, his face was reddened with teenage acne, he had odd floppy beng hair and slightly girly looking eyes. But when he horsed around a bunch of rambunctious kids and every inch of him radiated "Big brother", his eyes alight with laughter....now that was beautiful. That was who he was. His imperfect looks were but an unvarnished frame to the true portrait within of something lovely and sweetly human.