Happiness Looks Like This

I can't begin to tell you how goofily happy I get when I look at this picture. Love. At. First. Aw.

Love Actually?

Last night, we were wondering about what was the last romantic movie we enjoyed. There was some bantering about Love Actually, Pride and Prejudice, When Harry Met Sally.

Curiously, I never realized how few of those romance movies I actually love. I liked some of them not because I found them particularly romantic. In fact, my favourite scenes were those with that hard-edge of realism. Maybe it’s my inner cynic – heh.

My favourite story in Love Actually was the morose one about near-adultery - where Alan Rickman reduces Kristen Scott-Thompson to wrenching sobs over a Joni Mitchell CD. I loved Before Sunrise and Before Sunset not because I thought the relationship in there was cool – but because I liked Julie Delpy’s awkward burst of anger as she confronts Ethan Hawke about how he had left her behind when he got married. I liked 2046 for the way it painted the ugliness of secret longings and selfish love – it was fitting to see the Tony Leung character alone and morose at the end of the whole show.

Okay the exceptions - I liked High Fidelity because it was …charming. Or rather John Cusack is charming, haha. I also liked Roman Holiday because it was just sweet, old-fashioned and cute. Who can say no to Audrey on a Vespa and Gregory Peck in a suit? Gregory Peck. 1950s Man in 1950s suit, Sigh.

The one fairly recent serious romantic movie I like is Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. I thought the ending was quite genuinely romantic. It was a screen relationship that I actually thought was worth rooting for. The whole movie cleverly used the metaphor of a memory-erasing technology to show how a beautiful, realistic love story has to be built upon remembering the good and the bad about each other. It was quite sweet to see the two leads tentatively agree to fall in love with each other again after reliving all the best and worst memories of their relationship.

I guess I am generally picky about films- especially when I have to shell out $8 for them. J Films that have managed to grab me successfully over the past few years all had to be pure fun (X-men, Batman Begins), clever or at least brutally realistic (Hotel Rwanda. The Constant Gardener).

On a tangent – I realize all my favourite “clever” films used a fantastical device to make a strangely grounded, frank observation about the things that we do to each other and to ourselves: American Beauty, Unbreakable, Eternal Sunshine, Memento, 2046, The Matrix (only the first) and now The Prestige. It is quite funny how appropriate analogies and metaphors are in talking about the human condition!

Currently reading: Persepolis by Marjane Satrapi
Thinking of reading: John Le Carre’s The Constant Gardener, Persepolis 2

the prestige: vengeance and the death of self

I watched The Prestige last week for director Chris Nolan and writer Jon Nolan. The Nolan brothers’ Memento is one of my fave movies of all time. Christopher and Jon Nolan must be an interesting pair of brothers: their work shows a Gothic fixation with Man’s inherent unreliability and propensity for the darkest kind of self-deception, obsession and egoistic self-deception.

Although I kind of saw the twist in the Prestige coming, I still was taken aback by the clever playing out of the Nolan brothers’ favourite Gothic theme. It’s one of the most genuinely disturbing endings I have seen in a while. I don’t think you can watch The Prestige for its ‘twist’ alone because the twist is fairly obvious after a while and can be unsatisfying if you don’t appreciate the odd mix of old-fashioned story-telling and sudden introduction of science-fiction that traditionally requires suspension of reality.

Memento was a tribute to the fickleness of memory: how it colours the way we perceive our grievances, moulds our selves and defines the lives we end up living. Memento succeeded at two levels: it was an old-fashioned Gothic story about the dark horror of Man’s capability for self-deception and murderous; it was also an intelligent noir detective thriller. Likewise, The Prestige is both a Gothic study of Man’s dark heart as well as a sci-fi/thriller/drama.

Once you get past the sci-fi device, The Prestige is a film that really gets you thinking about the horror of vengeance and how far we are willing to kill our Selves to get there. Although the ending would have us believe Angiers (Jackman) to be worse, I don’t think Fallon/Borden (Bale) is supposed to be any better.

Angiers kills himself literally and figuratively in his desperate search to be the best magician, to earn the adoring of the crowd. He sacrifices his human identity, his love for his wife and the possibility of love with a new woman. Worse, he knows what he is doing: he chooses blind stage hands backstage so that they cannot see the horror of his sin. Borden/Fallon kill themselves figuratively – they never experience true love for they sacrificed honesty in their relationships with family, friend and lover. They too have blended two lives so well that they lose their identity and no longer know who they actually are anymore.

The recurring questions in the show centre around “Are you willing to dirty your hands?”, “Do you know what sacrifice means?”. After all the clever pyrotechnics of this film have faded away, these questions I think remain far more outstanding. At the bottom of all their self-justification and pain, both Angiers and Borden/Fallon are essentially the same - impulsive, self-destructive, self-mutilating and willing to cheat on their nearest and dearest to get exactly what they want. Even the ‘happy’ ending where Borden/Fallon gets his daughter back is tainted. His daughter – like his wife/mistress - never had him and apparently never will truly have him as long as the wall of deception never drops.

7 Up

Have been wondering, if the 7 UP documentary people made a story about my life, what would it sound like?

7 Up
was a: shy, colour-pencil toting, paper doll loving Primary One kid
dreamt of being: a kickass magic-using superspy
fell in love with: Bob the Pianist on Sesame Street
coveted: Barbie dolls from Toys R'Us Katong

14 Up
was a: awkward, nerdy Secondary Two girl with perfunctory ugly 80s specs and bad haircut
dreamt of being: Singapore's youngest comic book creator
fell in love with: Han Solo and Indiana Jones
coveted: more Xmen comics

21 Up
was a: wannabe fresh graduate from architecture swinging between idealism and angsty cynicism
dreamt of being: anything but an architect
fell in love with: the boy next door and the not-so boy next door
coveted: a cool job, an uber babe body and a dreamy boyfriend

28 UP
was a: gal with a pretty cool job
dreamt of being: a better person
fell in love with: God again and again
coveted: a kinder mouth and a more honest heart ( a classy funky wardrobe and a swinging singleton appartment of my own. lol. )

I wonder what's gonna happen in
35 UP, 42 UP and 49 UP? :)

Isn't it scary to imagine how your life would look like on film? I hope mine makes for a good indie movie at least - haha. I want it to have a cool-indiesque score like High Fidelity. Plus injections of classical music for the more tear-jerking moments.haha.

perhaps 70 UP will be
was a : mischievious, classy old woman with cute rabbits
dreamt of being: nothing but her own strange self
fell in love with: God again and again (and the old man next door)
coveted: a good, peaceful death (and a fabulous jacket)

I Heart Men In Suits

...which is why I find the The Sartorialist i SUCH a sexy little blog!
It's a very cool blog by a guy in New York who takes street pictures of well-dressed, funky people that he spots in cities. I love his blog because it's not bitchy (like Go Fug Yourself. heh) and quite genuine in its love for people dressing beautifully.

I love his eye for colour, texture, lines and shapes! PLUS I love it that his choices are sometimes a little unconventional
AND he has tons of examples of well-dressed guys! I swear I never knew menswear had so many delicious looking options - there are several old, bald, portly guys in his image collection who look pretty dapper.

Every guy - I SWEAR - looks gorgeous in a well-cut suit. Mmmmm. Suits.
And every guy NEEDS an amazing looking white shirt - a short sleeve white linen/cotton that associates ya with summer sunlight aas well as a long sleeve, snazzy collared one that says crisp, professional and 'bring me home to your mama'

I think I secretly want to shop for guys.

singapore has a similar street fashion blog but its unfortunately just focused on teenagers - The Clothes Project

I am not a true blue fashionista, seeing as to how I am:
1) too stingy to buy the uber quality stuff
2) too inconsistent to dress up all the time
3) too hands-on muck-about to have manicures/pedicures/high maintenance hairdos

but I do LOVE staring at pretty pictures of people who really know how to work a look and style an outfit that says who they are. Thanks to the weather and the general bo-chap culture of Singapore, not many people care to dress up. But oh I get such a KICK (!) when I spot well-dressed people.

Okay - shall go back to reality of classroom now.

Still fantasising about my $167 Mango 1950s jacket and $119 Zara silk dress that I spotted with redbeanfish. :_(
I want. I want. I want. I need to get a more exciting life to justify those buys. haha.

Documentaries I wanna watch!

1) Deliver Us From Evil
a pedophile ex-priest talks about the cover-up of sexual abuse in the Catholoc Church


2)Fast Food Nation
an insight into the modern fast food industry

3)So Goes the Nation
a look at how America's electoral process can be manipulated. Case Study: Kerry vs Bush elections


4)49 Up
The seventh film in a series of landmark documentaries that began 42 years ago when UK-based Granada’s WORLD IN ACTION team, inspired by the Jesuit maxim “Give me the child until he is seven and I will give you the man,” interviewed a diverse group of seven-year-old children from all over England, asking them about their lives and their dreams for the future.

5)Jesus Camp
A look at the increasingly militant Evangelical Christian movement in America.

Two Nudes in Repose

I have caved in and gave my bunnies official names.
Light brown one is called Flopsy aka Flopflop, Flops, flooooooopy, flopita, boy-boy, pui-pui
Dark brown one is called Mopsy aka Mopmop, mopey, girl-girl, kiki

Flops lurves to lollop around and flop around the room like the diva-leader that he is.
Mops is developing quite a personality: she seems like a quiet follower at first, happy to cuddle up to Flops and follow him around as he takes the lead in recce-ing any new space.

But when left to her own devices, Mops is a far more insidious invader of space - no corner is left pellet-less. And she has found new hidey holes i never thought existed in my room.

Privately, I think Mops is the more intelligent though morose of the two.
Flops is the happy go lucky, brash little stud.

heh heh.

Dont you just love how Mops lies down like a human being? So cute.

Birthday Bunny Bonanzaaaaa!

Signs that the week is off to a pretty cute start.....
i walk into office and get what i always wanted for YEARS.

my own BUNNY RABBITS!!!!!! :)

they are dwarf lops - courtesy of my long-suffering partners in crime who have decided that it is ok for the office to have furry things lollop around.

they have no names yet. Although Pui Pui is becoming a hot favourite for the light brown cutie.

Any ideas? :)

yay. bunnies forever.

Signs that people are truly bored :)

1) there actually is a website dedicated to people who are zhng-ing their favourite snacks.....into MEGA BIG versions. ha


PIMP THAT SNACK!

2) here's another gem with a nasty name that says it all:
GO FUG YOURSELF

dedicated to running down the ugly dresses that Paris Hilton and all other celebs inflict on us poor mortals.

i confess: i read them! guilty pleasure! bolded, underlined, italicised guilty pleasure. lol.

sigh. i am so easy.

Through the Barricades

I have been doing a lot of mulling over what makes human relationships deep and meaningful. It's crazy how many walls - conscious and unconscious - that we erect around our precious selves. When I look deep within my own self, with the revealing light of God's truth looming before me, I see an internal labyrinth of twists and turns. I am guilty of much of what I am gonna talk about for sure.

The psychologist Larry Crabb talks about how deeply hurtful the sin of self-protection is - and yet not many of us are unaware of the fact that it is a sin. We claim we have the right to "protect ourselves" or say with total sensibility "we cannot expect to be best friends with everybody". It sounds absolutely logical and looks absolutely logical to keep people at arm's length. It sounds almost too convenient.

Sometimes I think being nice and polite can be insufferable and frustrating. Being nice and polite, we sometimes refrain from saying what is always on our minds. It does not mean that we should be aggressive, rude or in-your-face. Nice and polite has a place and time.

BUT sometimes our being 'nice and polite' and 'sensitive' can be convenient excuses to stay indifferent to another person. We don't want to create trouble. And God FORBID, we get involved!

We don't want to go into the uncharted scary territory of offence and in doing so, we create opportunities for ourselves to become hypocrites.

Some of us are scared of OFFENDING another person. So we keep our mouth shut and keep our grouses within in the name of 'niceness'. Yet, we get disdainful and arrogant about how 'touchy' and 'closed up' the person is. Or worse, we gossip with others about why he/she is so touchy.

The question here to answer honestly is : Why don't we attempt to push past the person's barricades and find out how they are and what they think?

Some of us are scared of BEING OFFENDED by another person. So we keep our mouth shut around the type of people who aggravate us the most in the name of 'niceness'. Yet, deep within, we fester with resentment about being forced into a closeted, constrained kind of life by such 'nasty, insensitive' people - we grumble ironically about a closet we actually created for ourselves.

The question here to answer honestly is: Why don't we let down our barriers and let others see our thoughts - ugly as they are?

It is funny how often we deliberately choose not to engage deeply with people. And be driven to despair with the lack of deep engagement. It's a self-fulfilling prophecy, a tragic comedy of sorts. The one thing we demand of people, we are not willing to give of ourselves to make it happen.

So many of us hunger so deeply for real, genuine heart-to-heart, deep-calls-out-to-deep relationships. We read up books and hear sermons telling us how to do so but nothing penetrates - especially when the books and sermons sound like meaningfullly offered but flat instructions.

It's like handing our recipies to starving people - they don't want to know the instructions of how to make a meal, they want the meal itself. There is something very wrong and very sad when all people have heard the preaching about Love THY Neighbour and yet not all people can testify that they have felt that Love.

Jesus tells us to Feed our sheep. Not tell them how to feed themselves. Or hope that other people will feed them.

Why are we so scared of crossing the barricades we erect around ourselves?
Why do we erect so many barricades around us?
Why do so many of our words and conversations rotate around and around the desire for genuine relationships and genuine love and yet we never dare to do anything about it?
Why do so many of us pin an obsessive hope for a soulmate to come along as if the perfect husband or wife will solve our deep hunger for real relationships?

Why are we so scared to lose the life that we have? The peaceful, feel good life of non-confrontation?
Why do we cling on so tightly to our privacy?
Our life without fights, difficult conversations and awful truths?

Could it be that deep relationships only happen if we let go of 'polite niceness', speak words of truth IN LOVE - embrace the possibility of fights, difficult conversations and awful truths which may actually open doors for deeper relating?

Luke 9:24 records for us Christ's intoxicating words:
"For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will save it."

Christ demanded that we give up all earthly things in our life. I don't think he meant just the surface tangible stuff. I think he meant the difficult parts as well - ego, esteem, privacy, vulnerability.

It does not mean we should bare our souls like modern Pharisees, proclaiming loudly in the streets "Look how brave and vulnerable I am!!!! Oh so godly!!!! and honest!!" That's repulsive and reeks of showmanship.

I mean we should have a disarmament. We should lay down our defenses and surrender our need to protect our lives. And say the honest thing, even if that lays everything vulnerable before another.

The writer Frederick Buechner felt this keenly as he struggled through his father's suicide. He wrote a book that quotes King Lear in its title, "Speak What We Feel (Not What We Ought To Say): Reflections on Literature and Faith."

Like all Shakespearen tragedies, King Lear involves miscommunication of epic proportions. Lear has his daughters compete for their inheritance by judging who can proclaim their love for him in the grandest possible fashion. Cordelia finds that she is unable to show her love with mere words. While her elder sisters posture and preen about their love to their happy father, Cordelia says in a famous quiet aside that goes on to start the tragedy going:

"What shall Cordelia speak?
Love, and be silent."

Though traditionally seen as the epitome of goodness in the play, Cordelia is not as innocent as we think. Her general silence - dare we say 'wimpiness - about how she feels about such mistreatment and injustice really does contribute somewhat to how much her wicked sisters get away with.

At the end of the play, among the dead bodies of both the heroes and villains, the Duke of Albany says with great regret:

"The weight of this sad time we must obey,
Speak what we feel, not what we ought to say."

In short : the truth of our dark times must be told, whether or not it is what others want to hear.

Buechner himself ends off his poignant book with this encouragement:
"Fear not. Be alive. Be merciful. Be human.
And most unlikely of all:
Even when you can't believe,
even if you don't believe at all,
even if you shy away at the sound of his name,
be Christ."

Christ was able to talk to everyone with BOTH truth and love.

He never feared vulnerability or testing other people's pretence at invulnerability.

Surely, we who know and love Christ, and claim to be his disciples - should try to do the same?

How much of our own life do we still want to keep for ourselves? And for what purpose honestly?
How much are we willing to pour out at the feet of others irregardless of whether they trample upon them or not?

I want to see real change in relationships.
But first, it starts off with taking a real good look at how to change ME.

I am serious about this: If you know me personally, and if you have things you want to make me aware of - like how I frustrate you, or how I am insensitive to you - please let me know. :)

I am truly willing to disarm and learn. And die die humble myself. So call me out if I get defensive.

And if it gets ugly, it gets ugly. Love and Truth will deal with it.

God will make sure I am ready to hear about my inner ugliness. :)

"He takes us as we are but does not leave us as we are"

I just wanted to blog. primarily to remember that line in the conversation.

++++

Under the light fall of stray raindrops, with the bright glare of a spotlight from a corner window
over bowls of over-sweet Rochor bean curd, we talked about what it means to follow Christ.

B was worried that he would never be sincere enough to become a Christian. Earnestly worried and deeply troubled by how hard God was pursuing him, he wondered, "How can I ever be genuine enough to pray to God? I have no face to meet him."

I groped for words adequate to express how I felt about it and said,"It's true and that's the sincerest thing we can tell God - I am sorry. I have no face to meet you. I am an awful piece of crap. and I need you."

R piped up with her sweet voice,"God takes us as we are."

I followed with,"God takes us as we are....but He does not leave us as we are. That is His grace to us."

B sat thoughtfully and mused,"I don't know how to pray though."

Glad that Jesus himself taught us how to pray then in Matthew 6, we shared the Lord's Prayer with B.

It's a beautiful prayer that says everything that matters to a tired heart, weary with longing for perfection.

"Our Father in heaven,
hallowed be your name,
your kingdom come,
your will be done
on earth as it is in heaven.

Give us today our daily bread.
Forgive us our debts,
as we also have forgiven our debtors.
And lead us not into temptation,
but deliver us from the evil one."

No matter how lousy I feel about myself, I can rest knowing that He gives me daily strength and deliverance.

God, thank you for taking me as I am. Thank you more for not leaving me as I am.

I need to remember tonight's words more often. :)

Confessions of a Brother of the Prodigal Son

When I was 22 and living out on my own, I was obsessed with the idea of going out to make One Big Mistake.

It was a really perverse thought - I rationally, logically decided that life would not be complete without making that One Big Mistake that would teach you big things. It did not help that there were some friends around me then who had that same concept - that to learn from life, you gotta go out and make mistakes. True to some extent - but it can be a really insidious way of justifying many wrong things that you want to do with your life.

By some grace, I did NOT get to make my One Big Mistake. My life on paper looks pretty vanilla in some aspects.

But from time to time, I do get bitter thoughts about how much more "fun" other people had - making mistakes before turning over a new life. I sometimes -perversely - wonder why I could not have been one of those "lucky" few. Objectively, I know its a stupid thought. Emotionally, its a thought that still makes me wonder.

Sometimes when I read the story of the Prodigal Son, I see myself empathising with the angsty elder brother. God (the Father in the story) is quick to show a tremendous outpouring of grace upon people who have done a great deal of wrong. And sometimes I look at the Prodigal Sons around me - richly blessed after a life of Big Mistakes - and wonder, "So what was the whole point in me being good and all for, God?! I mean, why don't I get rewarded for staying good?!"

And that's the whole reason why C.S. Lewis said Pride is arguably the biggest sin.

What's even uglier than Pride in one's sinfulness is Pride in one's 'goodness' - "Look at me! I am Good! Yeah Baby! Check out how GOOOOOD I AM! I am gooder than you'll ever be, punk."

In Luke 15, the angsty goody goody brother of the Prodigal Son yells," 'Look! All these years I've been slaving for you and never disobeyed your orders. Yet you never gave me even a young goat so I could celebrate with my friends. But when this son of yours who has squandered your property with prostitutes comes home, you kill the fattened calf for him!'"

But the father (God) replies "My son, you are always with me, and everything I have is yours. But we had to celebrate and be glad, because this brother of yours was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.' "

I admit - I am jealous of the Prodigal Sons around me. I wish I had a taste of life on the Bad side even if I rationally know that's the last thing I want to wish on myself. I wish I could get double the gifts from God for "being in God's good books" I want to get "paid" for being good.

But God doesn't work that way. God's Kingdom is not a meritocracy. Just because you extra good, you don't get extra goodies. God is fair. Every one who comes to Him gets richly paid - whether they came early or came late into His Kingdom. And I must NEVER begrudge anyone that!

Celebrate and be glad for how richly God chooses to bless even the most Prodigal of Prodigals.
And just find delight in living for God's sake rather than my own sake.

That's the lesson I am still learning.

sigh - I've got a Martha Martyr complex! Gag - I am a pissy goody-goody.

Boo.

My So-Called Life

In the virtual world of Stormreach, you get to run around with a whoopin' flaming longsword and wear pretty silver armour. How can ya not love that? Yes, I am vain enough to be indecently pleased that I found armour that actually matches my hair. *end bimbo moment* This is why I cannot be a legit power gamer - I make dumb girl choices like refusing to wear ugly helmets which make my character look like some rugby player. :D

Ashara is finally a Level 10 cleric! (Whoo! goes all 4 of my gaming friends and "...." goes the rest of the world.)

Meanwhile, my poor halfling paladin is still stuck at Level 5 and unlikely to advance with the A level Exam Onslaught on the horizon.

Ugh.....can't wait till November. No. More. Lesson Prep!

In the Eye of the Beholder

I just read this funny bit of info:

"Some researchers also found that men judge the female figure they found most attractive as heavier than women's ratings of the ideal body shape. In contrast, most women, including overweight women, desire men with a very low percentage of body fat, whether they be thin or muscular. This suggests that, contrary to the media focus, men are far more likely to be attracted to larger women than women are to be attracted to larger men. Additionally, men are also more likely to be unsatisfied with their height, due to a perceived preference in women for men above average height.

Men, on the other hand, don't tend to factor height in when choosing a mate; they're attracted to short, tall, and everything in between. According to a study "Gender Differences in Body Dysmorphic Disorder" by Katharine A. Phillips and S. Diaz (1997), the most common body areas that cause the most distress among men with body image disorders include skin (58%), head hair (57%), nose (38%), body build (25%), eyes (18%), genitals (15%), legs (14%), chest (12%), and stomach/abs (11%)."

Seriously....'skin'? I didn't know guys freaked out that much about their skin or nose for that matter.Wonder how true that is in Asian context.

Isn't it so odd that the sexes are seriously miscommunicating about what each other finds attractive? I would not really care if a guy had bad skin, was balding or had a big ol' nose or no rippling six-pack. I really don't give a darn if he drives a sexy lil' Porsche or cycles to work, plays high money stocks or plays Counterstrike. And if one more guy rolls his eyes and tells me "Oh you don't understand. Girls say that but they actually want it.", I will smack him. I mean it. But then again, I suppose that's why some guys get offended when a girl insists that guys just like girls for looks.

The only thing that counts for me is : If a guy has no heart or no head for anything outside of himself, he's a goner.
So is it that hard to believe that there are guys out there who do think the same way? That they can separate between fantasy figures and who they want in real life? If I can totally luuuuuuuuurve Hugh Jackman and Pierce Brosnan (supersigh) on screen and yet very objectively know that they are not the kind of guys I want in real-life, I am sure there are guys who think the same.

But what is funny - of course - is how many guys refuse to believe that there are quite a few girls who don't care about their bods, wallets or jobs. It is similar to how many of us girls find it hard to believe that there are quite a few decent guys who think countercultural.

That's awful ain't it? I admit sometimes I like to believe guys are really as shallow as FHM makes them out to be. But that makes me a FSP - Female Sexist Pig. And FSP is just as condescending and awful as an MCP.

I asked NCM up front about whether looks mattered to guys as much as conventional wisdom would have us believe.
NCM thought for a while and said, "Yeah, its a fact...guys will always look at a gorgeous girl. But after a while, most guys grow up and look beyond looks. Wisdom becomes really attractive. It matters more."

Well, maybe NCM was humouring me.

Or maybe it was a genuine reflection of what goes on in guys' heads once they have tasted the 30s and dated around a bit.

Well, I guess me, my chubchub bod and my eye-baggage shall take comfort in knowing that if there is one guy who thinks like NCM, there must be more of them out there.

Yeah, yeah go on and sue me for being a Pollyanna.

how can a lump of cotton be sooooo cute?

I HEART these ridiculously useless but OH SO CUTE dollies.
Come on, doesn't the lil stuffed tofu and lil stuffed jiaozi make you go awwwwwww?
SO cute. SO uselessly cute.
even if i bought them i would not know what the heck to do with them.

If you are taken by these lil cuties, go check out
http://www.etsy.com/shop_sold.php?user_id=268

Conversations with Psycho Cabby

Was taking yet another 1am cab ride home and I flagged down an innocuous looking red taxi. The cabby was a 40 something year old chinese man with pale-as-a-fish kind of skin. The whole cab smelled of baby powder which should have signalled to be his innate psycho-ness......(cue scary music) We drove past Suntec City where a lot of spring cleaning has been taking place in anticipation of the big IMF meeting coming up in Singapore.

Me: (attempting to be friendly) Wow, they are really putting up a lot of new plants on the road for the IMF people ah?

Cabby: Ya, every night they are paving the roads. Very inconvenient. Cause traffic jam.

Me: Aiyah, must make things look nice for the important people what.

Cabby: (slowly working up a steam to turn into Mr Hyde) Ha! Important people? You know the cab company send me letter telling me I must be nice to the IMF people who get into my taxi?

Me: Is it?

Cabby: (starting to sound really pissy) Yah! The IMF people ah - get this taxi gift certificates that they can use like money like that. Then the company say must be like tour guide to them you know? If they want electronics, must bring them to Sim Lim. If they want good food, can go Newton....WHAT!!!!!?? Like They so BIG SHOT is it?

PSYCHO CABBY: (his other personality is out!!!!)
If they tell me they want girls, I give them GEYLANG ah! Like all the tourists come ask for girl, I say GEYLANG ah!
The taxi company is so BLARDY big shot is it?? WAHHHHHH! THOSE F****ING BASTARDS!!!!!! You think I got a lot of money bring BIGSHOT to go out is it?? WAH WAH, Lee Hsien Loong very big deal is it???

WAH IF I GET THAT IMF GUY IN MY CABBY, I TEEEELLLLLLLL HIM EVVVVVEEEEERRRRRYTHING BAD ABOUT SINGAPORE AH!!!!

Me:........(thinking 'just get me home, just get me home')

(brief awkward silence in cab while I keep quiet and cabby deflates)

Cabby: ...So Miss, you work very late ah?

Me: No lah. Its ok.

Cabby: Ha. Last time I work for other people, I also work very late. Now I am cabby, I am much happier.

Me:.......!!!!!????!!!!!!!......


Geez. IF this is him much happier, i don't really wanna see him in his last job. LOL.

Theories about Training

Teacher's Day is coming and I have been reading all these blogs by teachers to get an insight into what they are thinking.
Came across two pretty funny articles about the uselessness of training. :)

entertaining reading for anyone who has despised going for corporate training or recall what it felt like to be in a boring classroom. For that matter...for anyone who has fallen asleep in a sermon or bible study which is kinda like a form of training as well...ha.

Let the Teacher/Trainer/Pastor who has watched his audience snooze beware! I also scared ah.

Harry Potter and the Trainer of Dire
http://trainingdoctor.typepad.com/salty/2006/03/harry_potter_an.html

and Why Training Is Useless
http://davidmaister.com/blog/37/

I love my new G5

Last week I finally caved in on 2 years of waiting and bought a new Mac - I am now typing this on my disgustingly beautiful, hedonistic-looking 20 inch G5 desktop. Ahhhhhhh so satisfying. :) I have been masochistically walking in to AppleCentre everytime a new Mac is released, thinking to myself, "This time I will buy it. This time I will buy it."The last Mac I bought was was beloved, second-hand, war-battered G4 Powerbook in 2001 (which I bought for a ridiculously cheap price). It has been hanging on to its last legs together with its elder brother, my G4 PowerMac desktop I got in 2000.

I swore to myself that 2006 would be the year of reckoning: if the school was doing better than I expected, and if I worked hard, I deserved to get a new Mac for Christmas. By March, it looked like a shoe-in. My partner in school rolled her eyes when I mentioned this, and said, "If you already know you are going to buy one at the end of the year, then why don't you just buy it now?"

So here I am, staring with great pleasure at something I have waited so long for. I think its the story of my life.
I think I just like that concept: Good things come to those who wait.
Somehow it makes the thing so much sweeter.

btw, the fact that the new Macs have Intel chips that allow them to reboot as Windows XP? SaAHHHHHHH-WEET.
It feels a little wrong to see Gates' software on Jobs' machine but if it allows me to play Tomb Raider, all power to the Gates!

A Good Book I am Reading Now (courtesy of pretty Photobooth function on G5):
God Talk - Cautions For Those Who Hear God's Voice by Ruth Tucker
very interesting read on how so many of us in Church misunderstand or abuse the term "God spoke to me", "God wants me to..."
I have not reached the conclusion yet but I think it's a pretty honest look at a phenomenon not many of us address in church.
I like it that she specifies the potential stumbling blocks for both the 'Spirit-led' Pentecostals and the 'Word-led' Evangelicals.

Imperfect Past Makes Present Tense

Watched Wildrice's JBJ play on Saturday with my dad. While it was not as flawed as the Straits Times made it out to be, it was definitely uneven and a little disjointed. Act 1 and Act 2 felt like 2 separate plays, each successful but when put together...it just seemed strange. It started as a light-hearted satire, almost like a romp. It ended as a melancholic, sober drama without much sign of the earlier half's breeziness. The distinct drop in tone was a little jarring.

BUT I still liked it. :)

1) for the quote "imperfect past makes present tense". nice line and I see on technorati that many other singaporeans thought so. ha. eleanor wong's got good lines as ever!

2) for the police man scene - easily rodney o's 2nd best scene. quite good, considering he was pretty weak in the first act.

3) for the amazing amazing Pam Oei - I swear the girl can really out-act any one. Every persona switch she did was spot on, pitch perfect and funny. Anything she acts in is just gold i bet. :)

4) for the pretty intense and well-acted lunch scene between "clara tang" - the up and coming civil servant - and the idealistic journalist she can never leave behind. the undercurrent of tension in that scene - sexual, political and otherwise! - was pretty well-done.

5) the strange ending - I don't fully understand it but there was something quite poetic about watching "clara" - the new cynical Singapore - drop her guardedness, her sadness and just dance in grim abandon with the ghost of an idealistic Singapore - "david" - under the momentary flare of national day fireworks. the scene had a little magic i think. :)

Origami Girl

origami
Originally uploaded by neonangel.

I got an email sometime back from a very sweet woman from a women's prayer group I visited sometime in January. Reading that email till this day still touches me deeply to tears.

I suppose one big reason why I am touched is that F - the good woman - is almost a complete stranger to me but she had apparently been faithfully praying for my concerns and petitions.

The other big reason why I am touched is how poignant the images and words are to me this year. It amazes me how God shows people
the right words and visuals to minister right into the core of someone else's secret pain. F said while praying for me, the images just flooded her mind:

"You are a box, come undone. Opened up. Outdoor plain coloured.
Inside, many patterns, designs… fascinating
… but have to open up. Don't be afraid… May even have to pry a bit, pull… stretch, undo the glue, the "comfortability" on some sides

… but to see inside. What lies inside... astounding…

Then you see the real beauty. Already nice as it is, function and place,
but He wants to unravel… and then reform…

Last time, you were flat paper
- die-cut and fitted together to become a box,
Now, He's undoing… and He will fit it all back together again
… it wasn't a mistake, just that it's out grown it's present purpose, function, which is a great thing
… and piecing together with other parts to fit together into something new." 

This year has been many moments of reassessment of who I am. It's so scary to be told to take apart the You that you have been so comfortable living in - all the saftey nets, all the protective shields, all the defences all nicely in place.

But to be told to change it...?
...to reconstruct the You that served its purpose in years that required more silent endurance and quiet soldiering on...
......and unfold and refold it to a You that is more open and vulnerable, more confrontational and starkly honest?

It is such a scary thought.

I am genuinely paranoid that people would shy away if they really knew what was on my mind in all its intensity. I guess sometimes I just don't trust people enough to be able to take what I think or feel and still look at me still with grace, love and yes...genuine friendship.

I have had people tell me before that I am too emotional and too intense for ordinary conversation - so I fall back to making conversation all about the other party. I find it difficult to introduce in my own raw thoughts and instead I give most conversations my processed, pasteurised, homogenised thoughts. Some now feedback to me that I can be so mild-mannered, contained and diplomatic that nobody knows when I am feeling hopelessly down, angry or what.

Some people have told me I am a good listener. I think it is one of my strengths. But something I have realised over time is that listening is not enough. Conversation is a kind of giving - two-way, charitable sharing of each other's thoughts. I am not always capable of doing that - I feel guilty talking about myself and my problems. I feel like a limelight hog so instead I sometimes turn into a cipher. I just morph into a gigantic Listening Ear. And sometimes that's not what people need.

God, what you up to? What do you want to fold and unfold me into?