Built to Last

"Cause this is real and this is good
It warms the inside just like it should
But most of all
Most of all it’s built to last
It’s built to last
It’s built to last"

Melee, Built to Last

I just love this song. Plus the music video is a pretty cute reenactment of every over the top romantic gesture we secretly loved in the movies. The jangly opening, the completely optimistic lyrics, the celebratory way the lead singer belts out that chorus - It just grabs me, makes me want to dance and puts a silly smile on my face. It's really nice to know that song writers in this age can still pen hopeful love songs that are so remarkably old-fashioned. After a slew of booty-callin', get down and dirty type of 'love songs', this one just stands out.

I first heard it at a wedding: it was played during one of those obligatory powerpoint presentations of the bride and groom's childhood pictures. Somehow that song stuck in many of the guests' heads. I guess everybody is looking for an old fashioned love song as well. :)

I ended 2007 and am starting 2008 thinking seriously about what it takes to fall in love, stay in love and have love last. How do you build the foundations of a relationship that can see two people through friendship, courtship and finally marriage? I never had to think about it seriously before because it just wasn't in my field of vision. I never thought I would have choices this way.

I have stayed single for 30 years - at first, not out of choice but over the years, I did come to realise I did have a choice and I was sticking to it. I made a promise to myself and to God: stay single until the right one and the right moment appears. There have been opportunities to start something romantic and completely unwise that would definitely have ended in hurt and loss. It has been incredibly tempting and it still is tempting to cross the line that has been drawn in the sand. And every time I tell a guy about that line in the sand, part of me feels how right it is, part of me wants to kick myself for basically cementing yet another year as a singleton.

Last year was a strange year. It was the year where I felt suddenly more sure and comfortable with what made me an attractive woman. It sounds odd - but it's just not something I was ever at ease about having spent much of my teens and university years wrestling with insecurity after insecurity. Then suddenly in my late 20s there was a turning point - I am not entirely sure how I got there, but I did by God's undending grace and unflinching truth.

In late 2006, when I was 29, I wrote this. Now when I look back at my friend's prophetic words to me, I understand them anew. Then, the words transacted through the cool medium of email still brought tears of hope smeared with a bit of fear and disbelief.

Now, I read these words and I am moved by how they gell with the truth I am living now.

"now, He's undoing… and He will fit it all back together again
… it wasn't a mistake, just that it's out grown it's present purpose, function, which is a great thing
… and piecing together with other parts to fit together into something new."

I have recognised the fruits that have been bourne from being unattached through all the crucial formative years of adulthood. I see the providence of lessons that I could only learn when I learnt to walk by myself with only God to hold onto. I find a strength, resilience, wisdom and discipline within me that is not of my own creation but seeded there by God's gospel.

And I am really grateful that he took me and transformed the person I was into who I am today. I am not the same woman I was when I first knew Him. And such deep change cannot happen by human will - not mine for sure, which was definitely weak and backbone-less.

Proverbs 31 sits in from of my computer, held by a little yellow binder clip. There are words in there, phrases that shed light to what kind of woman I want to be someday. I have always found the description in there of
"An Excellent Wife" profound, difficult but ultimately - moving.

I hoped but never used to actually believe with a whole heart that the womanly traits in there were traits that modern men would find beautiful. But last year, I found two who affirmed that for me. They encouraged me that those traits in Proverbs were traits men did find deeply attractive even amid all the noise. They were traits well worth fighting for, well worth preserving and aspiring to keep. They were old-fashioned traits that would never lose their lustre to those who knew what they were looking for.

When I was in my early 20s, like a fool, I thought I would be happy if I was prettier and skinnier.
It was such a fruitless and angst-filled struggle to achieve and I never did make it.

At the cusp of my 30s, I don't need to make it that way any more. It's like an old, tacky outfit I realise I never want to wear anymore.

There has been a new paradigm of womanly beauty that has been revealed to me that is far more worthy to try and achieve.

"Strength and dignity are her clothing,
and she laughs at the time to come
She opens her mouth with wisdom,
and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue."
says Proverbs 31:25-25

From beginning to end, that will be something really worth trying a lifetime to achieve - single or married.

The future is not set in stone and things may change as the Lord gives and takes away.
I am secure in who I am by myself, with God always as my Saviour but I do look forward with joy and anticipation to the possibility of someday sharing my life with a good husband created, shaped and transformed just for me.

I want nothing less than a marriage worth waiting for.
Something real. Something good. Warms the inside like it should.
But most of all, most of all, Built to Last.

why criticism should sometimes be taken with a pinch of salt

i love how brad bird inserts this interesting speech right at the end of a children's movie.
Ratatouille is not as flashy as The Incredibles or clever as Toy Story. But it certainly has a lot of adult charm.

Anton Ego: "In many ways, the work of a critic is easy. We risk very little yet enjoy a position over those who offer up their work and their selves to our judgment. We thrive on negative criticism, which is fun to write and to read. But the bitter truth we critics must face is that, in the grand scheme of things, the average piece of junk is more meaningful than our criticism designating it so. But there are times when a critic truly risks something, and that is in the discovery and defense of the new. Last night, I experienced something new, an extraordinary meal from a singularly unexpected source. To say that both the meal and its maker have challenged my preconceptions is a gross understatement. They have rocked me to my core. In the past, I have made no secret of my disdain for Chef Gusteau’s famous motto: Anyone can cook. But I realize that only now do I truly understand what he meant. Not everyone can become a great artist, but a great artist can come from anywhere. It is difficult to imagine more humble origins than those of the genius now cooking at Gusteau’s, who is, in this critic’s opinion, nothing less than the finest chef in France. I will be returning to Gusteau’s soon, hungry for more."

this week, three of my staff in the cafe had birthdays on the same day so Y dressed up as a big old cow and delivered a cake to the cafe. We then took turns taking pictures with the enormous cow head. :)

it's nice to know silliness can still prevail, humour can still win the day and work can still be as enjoyable as it always has been for the past 6 years since the SOT enterprise began. New challenges - personal, spiritual, material - crop up all the time but it really is good to know God is in control and I still passionately believe, as long as you keep trying to stay on the striaght and narrow, He will help make things work on all levels.

this is perpetually in my mind these days: what does it mean to be a christian especially as a colleague to difficult colleagues, as an employer of staff that make mistakes, as a waitress to demanding customers, as a teacher to unresponsive students. as a daughter to sometimes rambunctious parents.

it's so tough applying what you know about grace and forgiveness when it comes to work - where demands on efficiency are high and less slack can be cut. I suspect if all of us in church or cell group were forced to work together in a office context, we would see a lot more of our true selves. Work sometimes can bring out the demanding beast in us. Simultaneously though, because you see each other in high stress situations and see the tough, less likable parts emerge - there are much more opportunities for grace to emerge and bless.

the difficult part of course is making the decision to actively - not passively - issue grace.

we don't need to dispense grace. Grace is a senseless choice in our world. You give grace to those who may not appreciate it or acknowledge it in any way and you are expected to be glad for it.

Grace is tough and it ain't meant to be cheap. Grace is costly and goes against your intellect and pride.

my constant prayer - when i remember to pray - is just to be able to allow grace to overflow and soothe my own self-righteous wrath away.

It is so humbling to be reminded in Proverbs to make every word of your tongue a word of HEALING and BLESSING. not cursing and undermining.

I really love the apostle Paul for voicing out the everyday struggle of Christians in Romans 7:14-25 (The Message)

"I can anticipate the response that is coming: "I know that all God's commands are spiritual, but I'm not. Isn't this also your experience?" Yes. I'm full of myself—after all, I've spent a long time in sin's prison. What I don't understand about myself is that I decide one way, but then I act another, doing things I absolutely despise. So if I can't be trusted to figure out what is best for myself and then do it, it becomes obvious that God's command is necessary.

But I need something more! For if I know the law but still can't keep it, and if the power of sin within me keeps sabotaging my best intentions, I obviously need help! I realize that I don't have what it takes. I can will it, but I can't do it. I decide to do good, but I don't really do it; I decide not to do bad, but then I do it anyway. My decisions, such as they are, don't result in actions. Something has gone wrong deep within me and gets the better of me every time.

It happens so regularly that it's predictable. The moment I decide to do good, sin is there to trip me up. I truly delight in God's commands, but it's pretty obvious that not all of me joins in that delight. Parts of me covertly rebel, and just when I least expect it, they take charge.

I've tried everything and nothing helps. I'm at the end of my rope. Is there no one who can do anything for me? Isn't that the real question?

The answer, thank God, is that Jesus Christ can and does. He acted to set things right in this life of contradictions where I want to serve God with all my heart and mind, but am pulled by the influence of sin to do something totally different."

Every day is beautiful and joyful and hopeful - not because things are always beautiful, joyful and hopeful...because oh man, there are PROBLEMS all the time - but everyday is gorgeous because it is a wonderful thing to know that God is in charge.

Worrying and fearing just lead to evil. Trusting, hoping and doing what needs to be done again and again - no matter how many times you feel you could have done better - leads to glory.

little bits of providence

to me friends who have been wondering what on earth i have been up to...

i think i have never worked this hard in my life.
but conversely, i think if this is what working super hard feels like - its not a bad feeling actually.
i feel excited thinking about how this year is going to end ( and yes...i am looking forward to year end and a slow down oof the madness). Its cool to know you can end the year having created really fantastic things that you believed in and still believe in.

have not been feeling stressed, overwhelmed or unhappy
mostly just severely tested - intellectually, emotionally, spiritually, and physically

my workdays are now classic: i get up at about 8 - 830am, reread the nearest trashy novel next to my messy bed, and then i am in the office by 10-11am. Once at work, its non-stop - no MSN, no trashy web-trawling any more and certainly there has been no blogging for a while. At work, I am either teaching, writing magazine articles, doing magazine layout, designing collateral for office or cafe OR doing waitressing shift downstairs in the cafe. After teaching at night and maybe helping out in cafe a bit more, its back upstairs again for more magazine work. By the time I reach home, its 2am usually.

And then wash, repeat, rinse. cycle has been going on for past month and probably will continue till end of year.

I secretly like waitressing I think. I have always gotten some kind of cheap thrill from being able to keep many table's demands in my head and get them out on time and still keep that smile going. I enjoy hearing the chefs go "pick up for table six" and i can call back as professionally as i can muster "picking up table six!". Its kinda therapeutic washing dishes, wiping tables, making small talk and what not after all the intellectual blah blahing i have to do at the school.

but multi-tasking does have its limits.

somedays i stumble back exhausted and wake up cranky: and that's usually when i know i have pushed my limits too far and need to step back and rest. like really really rest. not just physically but just to take quiet time to sit down and remember again who is Sovereign and who is in control.

Running a cafe is like asking for a big humbling - in my opinion. never go into it "for fun" or "because it looks cool". F&B makes running a school look like nothing.

It has been really really good though for me to remember and rest in God's promise that He is in control of everything. Worrying only leads to evil. And I tell you, that is really balm to the soul when you have to deal with uneasonable customers, cafe staffing problems, scary numbers and the freaky thing called the Internet where all sorts of people have no trouble at all telling you in your face if they don't like what you are doing.

Keeping perspective - a heavenly one centred on God's kingdom - has been the most, the most, the most sane thing I can do for myself.

So yeah, still essentially joyful - but damn, that's a lot of work we are doing this year. woah. still not sure how we are going to finish it all and finish it well...but I have learnt to just take each day as it comes and to remember He will provide.

Thank you, God.

and thank you, all my nice friends and lovely sister and mom, for continuously turning up at the cafe so that I can still imagine I have an outside life. i have been encouraged really. truly grateful for the support. and for God bringing people constantly into the cafe - dont know how it happens. just know that it does and i feel really it is a kind of miracle.

Perspective. perspective. perspective.

Kay....going home now. leaving the office - once more at 130am. ha.

hee hee

SHOUT OUT from the blogosphere about food for thought. yay!

Where do we go from here?

In my head, I call this picture "Where do we go from here?"

One of my favourite shots from Cinque Terre in Italy. There's something that gets to me about the picture - the emptiness of the platform, the serene stretch of ocean behind them, and the amiable yet pensive tension of a couple waiting for their train to arrive.

Why Gorday Ramsay (Minus Expletives) reminds me of God

While re-reading Anthony Bourdain's "A Cook's Tour", this passage struck me:

"Finally, there’s England’s greatest chef, or England’s biggest bully, depending on which paper you’re reading at the time – the fearsome and prodigiously talented Gordon Ramsay. I’d been hearing about this guy for years. Ex-footballer. Formerly with Robuchon, Ducasse, Guy Savoy, Marco Pierre White. A legendary wordsmith in the kitchen – famed for excoriating his crew, ejecting food critics, speaking his mind bluntly and undiplomatically. Awhile back, I was told about the cinema verité Boiling Point series, in which the beleaguered Ramsay was said to behave monstrously to his staff. Intrigued, I managed to track down a copy of the videotape series. To my mind, Ramsay was sympathetic from beginning to end. I rooted for him as he sweated out the beginning of a service period for a massive banquet at Versailles, ill-equipped, with only a rent-a-staff of indolent bucket heads to help him. I cheered when he summarily dismissed a waiter for guzzling water in full view of the dining room. Pour décourager les autres, I’m guessing. I suffered as he suffered the interminable wait for his much-hoped-for third Michelin star and was heartbroken when he didn’t get it. (He since has.) Those who can’t understand why a chef operating at Ramsay’s level gets a little cranky, or who appears to be operating at a higher and more self-important pitch than their boss, simply don’t understand what it’s like to work in a professional kitchen. They certainly don’t understand what it takes to be the best in that world. It is not how well you can cook alone that makes a great chef, but your ability to cook brilliantly, day in and day out – in an environment where a thousand things can go wrong, with a crew that oftentimes would just as happily be sticking up convenience stores, in a fickle, cost-conscious, capricious world where everybody is hoping that you fail.

Is he really such a complete bastard? Let’s put it this way: On a recent visit to his restaurant in Chelsea, I recognized large numbers of staff – both front and back of the house – from Boiling Point. Years later and they’re still there. When Ramsay walked out of Aubergine, the entire staff, service staff included – an incredible forty-five people – chose to go with him. That’s really the most telling statistic. Does he still enjoy the loyalty of his crew? He does. No cook shows up every day in Gordon Ramsay’s kitchen, works those kind of hours, offers themselves up daily to the rigors of a three-star service period, toiling in a small, hot space where at any moment they could get a painful and humiliating ass reaming because Gordon Ramsay is the biggest bastard or the biggest bully in England. They show up every day and work like Trojans because he’s the best."

When I read that, it made me think of how so many people perceive God as a complete bastard who should tone down. We like the soft parts about Love and Grace in the Bible but are embarrassed or unhappy about the much nastier bits about Judgment, God's intolerance for Sin and quest for Perfection in us snivelling never-do-wells.

Why do people stick with Ramsay and endure all that pain and suffering? For similar reasons why many sincere Christians sacrifice time, money and face to do things they pretty much did not need to do or would not have desired to do - like giving more money to the poor, lending an ear to friend after friend, serving in ministry after ministry etc.

We "show up every day and work like Trojans" because we know God is the best.

To paraphrase Bourdain, what's amazing is God's ability to manage the world brilliantly, day in and day out – in an environment where a thousand things can go wrong, with a bunch of human beings that oftentimes would just as happily be doing every bad or convenient thing under the sun, in a fickle, cost-conscious, capricious world where everybody is hoping that God will fail.

If I had to do God's job, I would find it mighty hard to be Mr Popular when I know I need to lay down some serious smack-down.