Origami Girl

origami
Originally uploaded by neonangel.

I got an email sometime back from a very sweet woman from a women's prayer group I visited sometime in January. Reading that email till this day still touches me deeply to tears.

I suppose one big reason why I am touched is that F - the good woman - is almost a complete stranger to me but she had apparently been faithfully praying for my concerns and petitions.

The other big reason why I am touched is how poignant the images and words are to me this year. It amazes me how God shows people
the right words and visuals to minister right into the core of someone else's secret pain. F said while praying for me, the images just flooded her mind:

"You are a box, come undone. Opened up. Outdoor plain coloured.
Inside, many patterns, designs… fascinating
… but have to open up. Don't be afraid… May even have to pry a bit, pull… stretch, undo the glue, the "comfortability" on some sides

… but to see inside. What lies inside... astounding…

Then you see the real beauty. Already nice as it is, function and place,
but He wants to unravel… and then reform…

Last time, you were flat paper
- die-cut and fitted together to become a box,
Now, He's undoing… and He will fit it all back together again
… it wasn't a mistake, just that it's out grown it's present purpose, function, which is a great thing
… and piecing together with other parts to fit together into something new." 

This year has been many moments of reassessment of who I am. It's so scary to be told to take apart the You that you have been so comfortable living in - all the saftey nets, all the protective shields, all the defences all nicely in place.

But to be told to change it...?
...to reconstruct the You that served its purpose in years that required more silent endurance and quiet soldiering on...
......and unfold and refold it to a You that is more open and vulnerable, more confrontational and starkly honest?

It is such a scary thought.

I am genuinely paranoid that people would shy away if they really knew what was on my mind in all its intensity. I guess sometimes I just don't trust people enough to be able to take what I think or feel and still look at me still with grace, love and yes...genuine friendship.

I have had people tell me before that I am too emotional and too intense for ordinary conversation - so I fall back to making conversation all about the other party. I find it difficult to introduce in my own raw thoughts and instead I give most conversations my processed, pasteurised, homogenised thoughts. Some now feedback to me that I can be so mild-mannered, contained and diplomatic that nobody knows when I am feeling hopelessly down, angry or what.

Some people have told me I am a good listener. I think it is one of my strengths. But something I have realised over time is that listening is not enough. Conversation is a kind of giving - two-way, charitable sharing of each other's thoughts. I am not always capable of doing that - I feel guilty talking about myself and my problems. I feel like a limelight hog so instead I sometimes turn into a cipher. I just morph into a gigantic Listening Ear. And sometimes that's not what people need.

God, what you up to? What do you want to fold and unfold me into?