talked and talked and talked for the whole of today. A level Boot Camp is no joke man. My day as a long running gabfest would look like this:
Don'tWriteAboutBigEvilMedia!
BalanceWithIdeaOfMediaAsPossibleInitiatorofSocioPoliticalChangeYa?
HeardoftheZapatistaRebels?ReformationandRenaissanceandGutenbergBible?
Glasnost?CensorshipIsNecessary.WhatAboutThatVoltaireGuy.
RememberGuyRightsCannotBeDivorcedFromResponsibility!
HowDoesMediaProgrammingTodayLinkToViolence?
Passivity?AgressiveTendencies?BeholdenToPoliticalAgendas?
IsTVCompletelyUseless?WestWingAsCleverCommentryOnAmericanForeignPolicy!
YouDon'tKnowWhatIsSesameStreet?WahLauBertandErnie?
YesBananaTradeWarIsGoodExampleofCorporatePressureOnMedia
OhDon'tForgetWatergateScandaletcetcetcetcetcetc..........
sometimes when I end the day I am just completely talked out. My words come out tongue twisted and garbled. Towards the end of the day, I start repeating my words to kids because I keep stumbling on my tongue. Its a fun job but honestly, sometimes I wonder how scary it is that they are taking down every single word I say.
I try to warn them jokingly,"Oy, I am making this up as I go along. Don't assume everything I say is grammatically correct!" I get mildly worried when they remind me I never completed one of my sentences. I have to remind them why I dropped the sentence half way was because the syntax got screwed up. They jot jot jot jot down everything any way and look all giggly when I tell them like some whacko Pai Mei-esque sensei,"Don't just COPY! Understand! See The Point! See The Link. Understand and Apply!" I need me some bushy white eyebrows.
It's so cute to look at them and remember what it was like to be 18 and panicky. I still get the rare recurring nightmare about A level Chinese exam paper that I failed to study for. haha.
Other things I tell them irreverently:
"Fail A levels neh mind. Can sell chicken rice. I tell you go find a nice old famous hawker who has ungrateful sons who don't want to study his art. Go bai him as shi fu. Then even if you have F for GP, you can still drive Mercedes and be in Makansutra."
"Don't do well for A level also still got hope. Look at David Gan, he is practically illiterate and he lives in the penthouse at Paterson Edge and sits on Versace furniture. Elim Chew, Jean Yip all these people, they don't have grades but they have guts. That makes the difference ok. Don't play play. Not doing well may end up being the best thing that happened to you."
"Aiyah, just do your best. I swear everything will work out some how. Can one. Any way, even if you don't do well, think about how amazingly fortunate you still are in Singapore - all the multiple opportunities. Sleep on the street also can depend on the policeman to pick you up and put you in a home for vagrants. You could have been born in Rwanda. If those guys can hope in something, you can too. A levels is SO not the end of the world."
But as we all can testify, at that age when an adult says things like that, you don't really believe them anyway. Some things just need perspective and the enlightenment of Been There Done That.
Ended day at 11pm drowning in blissful brainless trashiness of girly magazines, toasted sandwiches frm Hans, re-reading Revelation 21 and 22 and praying with a friend. Now working on design project. probably end at 3am.
But it was a busy but nice productive day.
And tiny flash of existential angst from night before has simmered down. Amazing what a night's sleep will do.
Now thinking : Little steps, little steps. God knows what He is doing. Don't fret too much about things beyond your control or understanding. Just overcome. Just stay true. Don't be cowardly. Just stay faithful.
In a little while, you say? Okay Boss. I believe ya.
Thursday, October 20, 2005
Wednesday, October 19, 2005
A LIttle Less Conversation. A Little More Action
...so sayeth Elvis the King.
Mildly depressed by thoughts in head: If the Kingdom Come is the most important hope of Christians, then why don't more of us behave as if it is? If we are supposed to hope for Christ to come back like the apostle John prayed at the end of the the Book of Revelation, then why do we act as if He is not real?
I don't know what's more depressing some times:
a) the lucky who have already seen the truth of Christ and yet remain unmoved, lukewarm or deliberately contrary.
b) the large numbers of people who have not seen the truth of Christ.
Its moments like this where you realise its all about faith, hope and love.
The greatest of which is love. No sense getting angsty or angry at people or at God. Just trust His plan and keep loving people and honouring the Truth.
Should my walk be just talk talk talk
Should my praise be yadayadayada
Should my worship be just blahblahblah
If I start acting like a KnowItAll Holier Than Thou jerk
Just kick me hard, ok?
I mean just KICK me.
'Cause that's gonna be nothing compared to the colossal Kingdom-sized kick in the ass I will get when Christ returns.
Wonder how God puts up with our jerky behaviour sometimes. No wonder they say Love is Patient.
Sigh.
If you are wondering, nobody was a jerk today to me. I was not a jerk to anyone today (but if I was please tell me, because I could have been blissfully ignorant). Just having a mild fling with Christian existentialist angst in between working at 2am on things that will all fade away. ha.
_______________________________________________________________________
U2's Yahweh lyrics to flavour a snotty, not so cheery blog
"Take these shoes
Click clacking down some dead end street
Take these shoes
And make them fit
Take this shirt
Polyester white trash made in nowhere
Take this shirt
And make it clean, clean
Take this soul
Stranded in some skin and bones
Take this soul
And make it sing...
...Take this city
A city should be shining on a hill
Take this city
If it be your will
What no man can own, no man can take
Take this heart
Take this heart
Take this heart
And make it break."
Mildly depressed by thoughts in head: If the Kingdom Come is the most important hope of Christians, then why don't more of us behave as if it is? If we are supposed to hope for Christ to come back like the apostle John prayed at the end of the the Book of Revelation, then why do we act as if He is not real?
I don't know what's more depressing some times:
a) the lucky who have already seen the truth of Christ and yet remain unmoved, lukewarm or deliberately contrary.
b) the large numbers of people who have not seen the truth of Christ.
Its moments like this where you realise its all about faith, hope and love.
The greatest of which is love. No sense getting angsty or angry at people or at God. Just trust His plan and keep loving people and honouring the Truth.
Should my walk be just talk talk talk
Should my praise be yadayadayada
Should my worship be just blahblahblah
If I start acting like a KnowItAll Holier Than Thou jerk
Just kick me hard, ok?
I mean just KICK me.
'Cause that's gonna be nothing compared to the colossal Kingdom-sized kick in the ass I will get when Christ returns.
Wonder how God puts up with our jerky behaviour sometimes. No wonder they say Love is Patient.
Sigh.
If you are wondering, nobody was a jerk today to me. I was not a jerk to anyone today (but if I was please tell me, because I could have been blissfully ignorant). Just having a mild fling with Christian existentialist angst in between working at 2am on things that will all fade away. ha.
_______________________________________________________________________
U2's Yahweh lyrics to flavour a snotty, not so cheery blog
"Take these shoes
Click clacking down some dead end street
Take these shoes
And make them fit
Take this shirt
Polyester white trash made in nowhere
Take this shirt
And make it clean, clean
Take this soul
Stranded in some skin and bones
Take this soul
And make it sing...
...Take this city
A city should be shining on a hill
Take this city
If it be your will
What no man can own, no man can take
Take this heart
Take this heart
Take this heart
And make it break."
Sunday, October 16, 2005
A Long-awaited Conversation: thoughts on friendship
In the gorgeous dark woodiness of Mezza9, I met L. for a long anticipated good conversation. Scrooge McDuck that I am, I normally shy away from expensive places. This time though, it seemed fitting to celebrate this moment properly.
After all, this conversation has been 4 years in the making. Heaven conspired to make it happen.
L has always been floating in my peripheral vision. We had been through a series of bizarre events together. Though there have been one or two attempts on both ends to get to know each other better as a consequence of bizarre events, no real friendship ever took root. We both were not ready for it. Our hearts were closed and the intentions too shallow, the fears too many to found anything solid on. Christ had not readied either of us for the moment yet.
Genuine friendship seems to require as much of a miracle as a genuine romantic relationship. Both parties need to be open, interested and willing to give it a go. I suppose next time, if I am ever tempted to think of why I have not been abundantly blessed in the romance department, I must give thanks for the extensive way I have been blessed in the friendship department. Real friends - encouraging, heart-to-heart, walk-me-through-Damascus friends - are true miracles as well.
Back to L : I have prayed for her to know God from time to time, always hoping that she would find Him in an unshakeable, healing way. I prayed sporadically, without any real expectations beyond a vague hope that something would change. God held more true than I did, thank goodness.
When I found out two weeks ago that God had dragged her into His Kingdom in a mighty big zap-from-the-sky way, I was literally dumbfounded. I sent her an SMS to gush out my congratulations and that led to many emotional SMS exchanges gushing about the amazing, fabulous, cunning, humourous, no holds barred God that we were now sharing at long last.
I love it when I can gush with a fellow believer about God - it makes me feel for the Paul-like ideal of Christian community. Paul was the original gusher - he really poured out his heart before the brethren he wrote to. Just check out the abandonment of his greetings, encouragements and grievings. I want to feel as passionately as he felt for the godliness of his fellow believers.
When L and I met today, we talked for three and a half hours straight - exchanging our salvation stories, summing up the past four years, musing through the life-changing revelations God led us to and urging each other on in our newfound desire to be humble and love our parents more meaningfully. "What's keeping you in your comfort zone?" she challenged me about my reluctance to be more consistent in relating to my mother. I was grateful for the fortrightness. She after all was taking a big step of her own with her mother. It gladdened me because she was the last person in the world whom I would expect to hear that from and want to be held accountable to. God has a great sense of timing and humour.
We talked about coming to realise that in Christianity, one's commitment to anyone and everyone was for life. Our relationships - friends, family, husbands to be - once committed to Christ, were meant to last through thick and thin, till His Kingdom Come. I think we are mistaken to believe that marriage is the only major, no-holds-barred commitment we can make in our lives. When Christ called us to be living sacrifices and be a Body to each other, I think He was that serious. Marriage just happens to be the most obvious, visible manifestation of sacrificial commitment. It does have the extra element of literal cleaving onto each other of course which makes it a unique commitment. But I think we need to seriously reconsider our unconscious devaluation of Christian relationships as lesser things compared to Christian marriages.
She handed me my birthday present. It was brilliant - throughly unexpected and genuine in its effort to find something I would want but never get for myself. I told her by SMS later that the conversation we shared and her present were one of the best birthday presents I had ever gotten in my life.
I was gladdened by our newfound friendship. I also thought about how I never had this chance to welcome somebody into God's fold before. It made me think I want to have more chances like this - where I can literally celebrate your turning point from "dead in sin" to "alive in Christ". We should celebrate this momentous occasion with great fanfare - after all the angels are rocking up a storm for us up in heaven as well! (Off tangent: I think we need to celebrate each other more in general. For instance, birthdays should be celebrated as rejoicing in your growing another year in Christ. We should not dread aging, disdain or brush aside birthdays as nothing. They are a momentous occasion for celebrating Christ's gift of life! We should not see it as a time to wheel out a perfunctory cake and card.)
730pm : It was a lovely conversation as we both hoped in our earlier SMSes. We searched for Christian books in Borders for a while and decided to part at the junction of Scotts and Orchard.
"Hey," I said, "Welcome to the kingdom." I gave her an embrace.
She returned it with the firmness that comes from sincerity.
She smiled and said,"We will keep talking." She later sent an SMS musing that she had a feeling we would be in each other's lives for a long time. I believe her.
We both left for home. I crossed a street. It glittered with rain, headlights and possibility.
God is good. His ways are high ways.
After all, this conversation has been 4 years in the making. Heaven conspired to make it happen.
L has always been floating in my peripheral vision. We had been through a series of bizarre events together. Though there have been one or two attempts on both ends to get to know each other better as a consequence of bizarre events, no real friendship ever took root. We both were not ready for it. Our hearts were closed and the intentions too shallow, the fears too many to found anything solid on. Christ had not readied either of us for the moment yet.
Genuine friendship seems to require as much of a miracle as a genuine romantic relationship. Both parties need to be open, interested and willing to give it a go. I suppose next time, if I am ever tempted to think of why I have not been abundantly blessed in the romance department, I must give thanks for the extensive way I have been blessed in the friendship department. Real friends - encouraging, heart-to-heart, walk-me-through-Damascus friends - are true miracles as well.
Back to L : I have prayed for her to know God from time to time, always hoping that she would find Him in an unshakeable, healing way. I prayed sporadically, without any real expectations beyond a vague hope that something would change. God held more true than I did, thank goodness.
When I found out two weeks ago that God had dragged her into His Kingdom in a mighty big zap-from-the-sky way, I was literally dumbfounded. I sent her an SMS to gush out my congratulations and that led to many emotional SMS exchanges gushing about the amazing, fabulous, cunning, humourous, no holds barred God that we were now sharing at long last.
I love it when I can gush with a fellow believer about God - it makes me feel for the Paul-like ideal of Christian community. Paul was the original gusher - he really poured out his heart before the brethren he wrote to. Just check out the abandonment of his greetings, encouragements and grievings. I want to feel as passionately as he felt for the godliness of his fellow believers.
When L and I met today, we talked for three and a half hours straight - exchanging our salvation stories, summing up the past four years, musing through the life-changing revelations God led us to and urging each other on in our newfound desire to be humble and love our parents more meaningfully. "What's keeping you in your comfort zone?" she challenged me about my reluctance to be more consistent in relating to my mother. I was grateful for the fortrightness. She after all was taking a big step of her own with her mother. It gladdened me because she was the last person in the world whom I would expect to hear that from and want to be held accountable to. God has a great sense of timing and humour.
We talked about coming to realise that in Christianity, one's commitment to anyone and everyone was for life. Our relationships - friends, family, husbands to be - once committed to Christ, were meant to last through thick and thin, till His Kingdom Come. I think we are mistaken to believe that marriage is the only major, no-holds-barred commitment we can make in our lives. When Christ called us to be living sacrifices and be a Body to each other, I think He was that serious. Marriage just happens to be the most obvious, visible manifestation of sacrificial commitment. It does have the extra element of literal cleaving onto each other of course which makes it a unique commitment. But I think we need to seriously reconsider our unconscious devaluation of Christian relationships as lesser things compared to Christian marriages.
She handed me my birthday present. It was brilliant - throughly unexpected and genuine in its effort to find something I would want but never get for myself. I told her by SMS later that the conversation we shared and her present were one of the best birthday presents I had ever gotten in my life.
I was gladdened by our newfound friendship. I also thought about how I never had this chance to welcome somebody into God's fold before. It made me think I want to have more chances like this - where I can literally celebrate your turning point from "dead in sin" to "alive in Christ". We should celebrate this momentous occasion with great fanfare - after all the angels are rocking up a storm for us up in heaven as well! (Off tangent: I think we need to celebrate each other more in general. For instance, birthdays should be celebrated as rejoicing in your growing another year in Christ. We should not dread aging, disdain or brush aside birthdays as nothing. They are a momentous occasion for celebrating Christ's gift of life! We should not see it as a time to wheel out a perfunctory cake and card.)
730pm : It was a lovely conversation as we both hoped in our earlier SMSes. We searched for Christian books in Borders for a while and decided to part at the junction of Scotts and Orchard.
"Hey," I said, "Welcome to the kingdom." I gave her an embrace.
She returned it with the firmness that comes from sincerity.
She smiled and said,"We will keep talking." She later sent an SMS musing that she had a feeling we would be in each other's lives for a long time. I believe her.
We both left for home. I crossed a street. It glittered with rain, headlights and possibility.
God is good. His ways are high ways.
Saturday, October 15, 2005
I Heart Les Miserables
For nostalgia's sake brought on by previous post.
The Epilogue rocks like nobody's business. So Revelation.
CHORUS
Do you hear the people sing
Lost in the valley of the night
It is the music of a people
Who are climbing to the light
For the wretched of the earth
There is a flame that never dies
Even the darkest night will end
And the sun will rise.
They will live again in freedom
In the garden of the Lord
They will walk behind the plough-share
They will put away the sword
The chain will be broken
And all men will have their reward!
Will you join in our crusade?
Who will be strong and stand with me?
Somewhere beyond the barricade
Is there a world you long to see?
Do you hear the people sing
Say, do you hear the distant drums?
It is the future that they bring
When tomorrow comes!
Will you join in our crusade?
Who will be strong and stand with me?
Somewhere beyond the barricade
Is there a world you long to see?
Do you hear the people sing
Say, do you hear the distant drums?
It is the future that they bring
When tomorrow comes!
Tomorrow comes!
Tomorrow comes!
[The curtain falls.]
The Epilogue rocks like nobody's business. So Revelation.
CHORUS
Do you hear the people sing
Lost in the valley of the night
It is the music of a people
Who are climbing to the light
For the wretched of the earth
There is a flame that never dies
Even the darkest night will end
And the sun will rise.
They will live again in freedom
In the garden of the Lord
They will walk behind the plough-share
They will put away the sword
The chain will be broken
And all men will have their reward!
Will you join in our crusade?
Who will be strong and stand with me?
Somewhere beyond the barricade
Is there a world you long to see?
Do you hear the people sing
Say, do you hear the distant drums?
It is the future that they bring
When tomorrow comes!
Will you join in our crusade?
Who will be strong and stand with me?
Somewhere beyond the barricade
Is there a world you long to see?
Do you hear the people sing
Say, do you hear the distant drums?
It is the future that they bring
When tomorrow comes!
Tomorrow comes!
Tomorrow comes!
[The curtain falls.]
Charming Schmarming
E.B.'s piece about the sleaziness of fairytale princes and Marx's musings about what modern day princes need to do to win princesses had me thinking too about where I got my ideas about romance and What Maketh a Real Prince from....so, here goes.
Age 4 - 7: Guy as One and Only Saviour. Ew.
I never liked the fairytale romance set-up. The Prince Charming archetype seemed as insipid and interesting as a Ken doll. I privately thought (overly precocious kid that I was) that Charming did not deserve such luck with the ladies of LaLa Land. Let's see: Charming had looks, money, a kingdom that dear King Papa gave to him. Snow White endured an abusive mother, was a great housekeeper to seven boys and was kind enough to inspire the huntsman to feel great guilt. Cinderella patiently put up with an abusive family and was a great housekeeper (coincidence?) and caretaker of little animals. Briar Rose aka Sleeping Beauty ummmm....had it pretty good, except for having parents that offended the Evil Witch Next Door. Bah. Charming Sucks.
Age 8 -10 Guy as Nice Symbolic Accessory. Eww.
The next Romance Typology I was exposed to was in Nancy Drew, Hardy Boys, 3 Investigators type books. I hated Ned Nickerson, Nancy's useless boyfriend who seemed useful only as a decoy or a conveniently-just-in-time rescuer. I always wanted her to date Frank Hardy, the more steady, intelligent and manly of the Hardy brothers. (Joe was just a frat boy. ewww. and the 3 Investigators were basically fun but asexual.)
Signs of alternative concepts to come : Came across the abridged version of Dickens' Tale of Two Cities and was kinda taken by how Sidney Carton secretly loved Lucie Manette so much that he took the place of her fiance in the guillotine to preserve her happiness. When he sees the guillotine and thinks "This is a far far better thing than I have ever done", I was like - whoooo, you the man. Also discovered Little Women series, got terribly charmed by the sweet old-fashioned and chaste take on marriage and courtship there. Alcott's Protestant values were all over the book. Loved Jo's clumsy little romance with Professor Behr best. But then again, every girl loves Jo.
Age 11 - 13 Guy as Sacrificial, Grown-up Partner. Mmm.
From that Sidney Carton thread, I went on being more inspired by the romances I saw in my Dragonlance fantasy novels and X-Men comics. These were written for older audiences, so this was my first exposure to more adult ideas on romance. The Dragonlance novels were written by Mormons so some Christian-like elements were insinuated into the character's romantic choices. I liked how Tanis Half-Elven had to learn through multiple losses to appreciate that his childhod infatuation for Laurana needed to grow up into a more enduring, steadfast love that could survive a dark, suffering world. I liked how Laurana was inspired to mature her own whiny crush on Tanis when she witnessed how the sacrificial patient bond between Riverwind and Goldmoon brought hope and faith into the land. I was moved by how the tortured knight Sturm Brightblade gave up a chance at romance with his soul mate so that he could meet his final destiny, to fight in faith and die heroically in a pivotal battle. All of them so noble, can die. My teenage heart goes truly gaga.
Age 14 - 19 The Possibility of No Guy. Woah.
I discovered Les Miserables as well as the longsuffering Eponine in Les MIserables and her soliloquy "On My Own", destined to be the classic torch-song of all single women of the world with secret crushes on unattainable men. :) I had no sympathies for Cosette (her unwitting rival) who got all she wanted with little effort. I developed great admiration for Jean Valjean - the single Christian martyr of a man who devoted his entire life to Loving others. I was really taken at the final scene when Valjean lies dying and he sees a ghostly vision of Eponine and Fantine, women devastated by earthly romances, calling him to find the rest he deserved in the Kingdom to a greater glory and a greater Love. Phwaor.
When you think about it - It is a mindblowing thing to witness as a young, non Christian. It was an extraordinary, inspirational alternative message to the usual 'Everybody Gets Married/Falls in Love/Escapes With Their Soulmate' ending of musicals like Sound of Music, Fiddler on the Roof, Phantom etc. The promise of a Bigger, Profound Love versus earthly romance was a tremendously moving concept.
Age 20 -28 Christ enters picture. Win Already lor.
My take on romance today? If I can find the great equation of Guy Who Loves God + Who Tries To Love Others + Who Incidentally Kinda Loves Me too, I think that's a pretty cool foundation for romance to start. No more. No less.
What would I totally go for? If I see the guy constantly thinking about God, looking out for needs to care for and people to reach out to, and if I see all that brings a genuine smile to his face, lightness to his step and infectious confidence and passion to his voice - whoo!!
Chocolates, flowers, charming demeanor, moonlit dates, witchkilling, dragonslaying kinda cute, maybe sweet, slightly gimmicky BUT eh, completely and utterly negotiable.
Postscript - writing this blog kinda makes me realise how impactful undercover-Christian books, film and television are. I never knew all that stuff shaped my thinking on romance so much. We need more Christian artists, musicians, writers and filmmakers out there to produce subtle, insightful cultural goods!
Age 4 - 7: Guy as One and Only Saviour. Ew.
I never liked the fairytale romance set-up. The Prince Charming archetype seemed as insipid and interesting as a Ken doll. I privately thought (overly precocious kid that I was) that Charming did not deserve such luck with the ladies of LaLa Land. Let's see: Charming had looks, money, a kingdom that dear King Papa gave to him. Snow White endured an abusive mother, was a great housekeeper to seven boys and was kind enough to inspire the huntsman to feel great guilt. Cinderella patiently put up with an abusive family and was a great housekeeper (coincidence?) and caretaker of little animals. Briar Rose aka Sleeping Beauty ummmm....had it pretty good, except for having parents that offended the Evil Witch Next Door. Bah. Charming Sucks.
Age 8 -10 Guy as Nice Symbolic Accessory. Eww.
The next Romance Typology I was exposed to was in Nancy Drew, Hardy Boys, 3 Investigators type books. I hated Ned Nickerson, Nancy's useless boyfriend who seemed useful only as a decoy or a conveniently-just-in-time rescuer. I always wanted her to date Frank Hardy, the more steady, intelligent and manly of the Hardy brothers. (Joe was just a frat boy. ewww. and the 3 Investigators were basically fun but asexual.)
Signs of alternative concepts to come : Came across the abridged version of Dickens' Tale of Two Cities and was kinda taken by how Sidney Carton secretly loved Lucie Manette so much that he took the place of her fiance in the guillotine to preserve her happiness. When he sees the guillotine and thinks "This is a far far better thing than I have ever done", I was like - whoooo, you the man. Also discovered Little Women series, got terribly charmed by the sweet old-fashioned and chaste take on marriage and courtship there. Alcott's Protestant values were all over the book. Loved Jo's clumsy little romance with Professor Behr best. But then again, every girl loves Jo.
Age 11 - 13 Guy as Sacrificial, Grown-up Partner. Mmm.
From that Sidney Carton thread, I went on being more inspired by the romances I saw in my Dragonlance fantasy novels and X-Men comics. These were written for older audiences, so this was my first exposure to more adult ideas on romance. The Dragonlance novels were written by Mormons so some Christian-like elements were insinuated into the character's romantic choices. I liked how Tanis Half-Elven had to learn through multiple losses to appreciate that his childhod infatuation for Laurana needed to grow up into a more enduring, steadfast love that could survive a dark, suffering world. I liked how Laurana was inspired to mature her own whiny crush on Tanis when she witnessed how the sacrificial patient bond between Riverwind and Goldmoon brought hope and faith into the land. I was moved by how the tortured knight Sturm Brightblade gave up a chance at romance with his soul mate so that he could meet his final destiny, to fight in faith and die heroically in a pivotal battle. All of them so noble, can die. My teenage heart goes truly gaga.
Age 14 - 19 The Possibility of No Guy. Woah.
I discovered Les Miserables as well as the longsuffering Eponine in Les MIserables and her soliloquy "On My Own", destined to be the classic torch-song of all single women of the world with secret crushes on unattainable men. :) I had no sympathies for Cosette (her unwitting rival) who got all she wanted with little effort. I developed great admiration for Jean Valjean - the single Christian martyr of a man who devoted his entire life to Loving others. I was really taken at the final scene when Valjean lies dying and he sees a ghostly vision of Eponine and Fantine, women devastated by earthly romances, calling him to find the rest he deserved in the Kingdom to a greater glory and a greater Love. Phwaor.
When you think about it - It is a mindblowing thing to witness as a young, non Christian. It was an extraordinary, inspirational alternative message to the usual 'Everybody Gets Married/Falls in Love/Escapes With Their Soulmate' ending of musicals like Sound of Music, Fiddler on the Roof, Phantom etc. The promise of a Bigger, Profound Love versus earthly romance was a tremendously moving concept.
Age 20 -28 Christ enters picture. Win Already lor.
My take on romance today? If I can find the great equation of Guy Who Loves God + Who Tries To Love Others + Who Incidentally Kinda Loves Me too, I think that's a pretty cool foundation for romance to start. No more. No less.
What would I totally go for? If I see the guy constantly thinking about God, looking out for needs to care for and people to reach out to, and if I see all that brings a genuine smile to his face, lightness to his step and infectious confidence and passion to his voice - whoo!!
Chocolates, flowers, charming demeanor, moonlit dates, witchkilling, dragonslaying kinda cute, maybe sweet, slightly gimmicky BUT eh, completely and utterly negotiable.
Postscript - writing this blog kinda makes me realise how impactful undercover-Christian books, film and television are. I never knew all that stuff shaped my thinking on romance so much. We need more Christian artists, musicians, writers and filmmakers out there to produce subtle, insightful cultural goods!
Sunday, October 09, 2005
thoughts on a 28th year of life
It has been a sweet birthday week - not a dramatic one - but one which I find particularly endearing. It has been a birthday week of small gatherings and gentle words, old friends and new ones, old hopes and new dreams, excited promises and godly encouragement. And so my birthday week comes to an end. It's near midnight, and I am wondering how I can capture what I am feeling and thinking in words. What have I learnt by 28? Have I aged with grace? Am I happy? Do I like where I am going?
I love growing old. I like watching myself change internally and externally with the passage of time. I love the taste of being another year wiser and I love knowing how it is God who has made all the difference.
When I was younger, I thought great birthdays had to be ones involving melodramatic presents, frantic partying plans or some secret surprise from a guy crazy for you. Of course, I still love a well-orchestrated surprise - increasingly harder these days because I am such a wily, nosy sniffer out-er of surprises that I spoil my own fun.
But at 28, I realise I have acquired a taste for the romance of the seemingly everyday and ordinary. I have learnt to seek the beauty of 'the simple life' - being as kind and gracious to as many as possible, being glad in heart for all of God's blessings, being ever watchful for opportunities to serve. I realise I don't want anything more. I don't want a life anything less than that. I don't need that car, that appartment, that lifestyle, that dream man. If I get them, I will be glad and thankful for the luxury. Meanwhile, I find an alternative list of things I need and want.
I realise I do need to know I have been courageous in the way I loved.
I want to know I have been kind.
I want to die with peace in my heart that I fought a good fight.
I want to die knowing with all my heart, that I tried.
Today, at church I prayed for God to break my heart for Him. I prayed that too as I blew out the candle of my cake a few nights ago.
I think that's all I really want. I have seen how much more pours out of my heart when He breaks it compared to how little comes out when He leaves it alone, whole but complacent, un-Touched, un-Moved. I don't want anything more than to have this life spent and spilled as an offering for His cause - Love Him and in turn, Love My Neighbour. Left to my own devices, I would not live my life so vulnerably.
Where I used to aspire to impossible and dramatic dreams of making the world a better place, I have learnt to focus on making my small corner a better place. God has portioned for me a home, a school, a disciple ship group, a circle of friends, a local church. What is the best way to steward these gifts? How can I truly love the person next to me in a way that is deeply meaningful? These small, simple questions are the foundation to large, complex, purposeful living.
On my 28th, I am grateful for miracles...
...for how faithfully God takes this lump of selfish complacent clay, sees the best in it and shapes a useful life out of it.
...for how God broke my heart the first time to show me how that was in His plans to bring three struggling souls - including mine - to a far, far better place. I am awed and humbled by how much more imaginative He is that I am. In all my imagined scenarios, I would never have seen things come to the point it has. I have rediscovered an old friend and uncovered a new one.
...for how through that, God shed my facade of contentment and grew the urgency to learn how to give more of myself, to care for others in more sacrificial ways.
...for how God is slowly but surely cracking my cynicism and hardheartedness about caring for my parents.
...for how in my discouragement, He taught me the need to encourage
... for how faithfully He has provided over the whole span of my disparate self-run career. If you know my lack of money-mindedness, you will know it is a miracle of Five Fishes, Two Loaves. I still cannot believe it sometimes.
... for how many friends and strangers He has brought my way, each a mirror of a greater Picture of Heaven. How beautiful it is to see stony hearts transmute into flesh. Every changing life in front of me is a blessed assurance of a Perfect future to come.
...for the opportunities I have been blessed with to serve and minister. I am honoured and thankful to those who have welcomed me to share in their burdens. The sharing of your burdens, sorrows and joys has been a privilege I will try not to abuse or forget.
So what did I get this birthday week?
...bags blue as the summer sky and red as sun-warmed brick,
...a new wallet to replace a stolen one,
...flowers chosen for being both hardy and enduring as they were beautiful
...a nice morning of peaceful grocery shopping with my mother
...an empty museum to draw in
...an SMS promise of one long, good conversation and many more to come
...the sweet shared joy of friends coming back find the Promised Land after years of wandering in the Desert
...a truly surprising gift with a hefty price tag and a gently offered compliment "You are always worth it"
In my 28th year of life, my 8th year of Christian life, I am happy.
Happier still to say - I owe it all to Christ.
He made all the difference.
Nothing can I boast in.
May I never admit to anything else.
I can't wait to be 29.
I love growing old. I like watching myself change internally and externally with the passage of time. I love the taste of being another year wiser and I love knowing how it is God who has made all the difference.
When I was younger, I thought great birthdays had to be ones involving melodramatic presents, frantic partying plans or some secret surprise from a guy crazy for you. Of course, I still love a well-orchestrated surprise - increasingly harder these days because I am such a wily, nosy sniffer out-er of surprises that I spoil my own fun.
But at 28, I realise I have acquired a taste for the romance of the seemingly everyday and ordinary. I have learnt to seek the beauty of 'the simple life' - being as kind and gracious to as many as possible, being glad in heart for all of God's blessings, being ever watchful for opportunities to serve. I realise I don't want anything more. I don't want a life anything less than that. I don't need that car, that appartment, that lifestyle, that dream man. If I get them, I will be glad and thankful for the luxury. Meanwhile, I find an alternative list of things I need and want.
I realise I do need to know I have been courageous in the way I loved.
I want to know I have been kind.
I want to die with peace in my heart that I fought a good fight.
I want to die knowing with all my heart, that I tried.
Today, at church I prayed for God to break my heart for Him. I prayed that too as I blew out the candle of my cake a few nights ago.
I think that's all I really want. I have seen how much more pours out of my heart when He breaks it compared to how little comes out when He leaves it alone, whole but complacent, un-Touched, un-Moved. I don't want anything more than to have this life spent and spilled as an offering for His cause - Love Him and in turn, Love My Neighbour. Left to my own devices, I would not live my life so vulnerably.
Where I used to aspire to impossible and dramatic dreams of making the world a better place, I have learnt to focus on making my small corner a better place. God has portioned for me a home, a school, a disciple ship group, a circle of friends, a local church. What is the best way to steward these gifts? How can I truly love the person next to me in a way that is deeply meaningful? These small, simple questions are the foundation to large, complex, purposeful living.
On my 28th, I am grateful for miracles...
...for how faithfully God takes this lump of selfish complacent clay, sees the best in it and shapes a useful life out of it.
...for how God broke my heart the first time to show me how that was in His plans to bring three struggling souls - including mine - to a far, far better place. I am awed and humbled by how much more imaginative He is that I am. In all my imagined scenarios, I would never have seen things come to the point it has. I have rediscovered an old friend and uncovered a new one.
...for how through that, God shed my facade of contentment and grew the urgency to learn how to give more of myself, to care for others in more sacrificial ways.
...for how God is slowly but surely cracking my cynicism and hardheartedness about caring for my parents.
...for how in my discouragement, He taught me the need to encourage
... for how faithfully He has provided over the whole span of my disparate self-run career. If you know my lack of money-mindedness, you will know it is a miracle of Five Fishes, Two Loaves. I still cannot believe it sometimes.
... for how many friends and strangers He has brought my way, each a mirror of a greater Picture of Heaven. How beautiful it is to see stony hearts transmute into flesh. Every changing life in front of me is a blessed assurance of a Perfect future to come.
...for the opportunities I have been blessed with to serve and minister. I am honoured and thankful to those who have welcomed me to share in their burdens. The sharing of your burdens, sorrows and joys has been a privilege I will try not to abuse or forget.
So what did I get this birthday week?
...bags blue as the summer sky and red as sun-warmed brick,
...a new wallet to replace a stolen one,
...flowers chosen for being both hardy and enduring as they were beautiful
...a nice morning of peaceful grocery shopping with my mother
...an empty museum to draw in
...an SMS promise of one long, good conversation and many more to come
...the sweet shared joy of friends coming back find the Promised Land after years of wandering in the Desert
...a truly surprising gift with a hefty price tag and a gently offered compliment "You are always worth it"
In my 28th year of life, my 8th year of Christian life, I am happy.
Happier still to say - I owe it all to Christ.
He made all the difference.
Nothing can I boast in.
May I never admit to anything else.
I can't wait to be 29.
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