I was innocously marking terrible essays by kids ("I like playing ruby. Ruby is fun. I like my ruby coach....." URGHHHHHHHHHH) at cedele depot down at raffles city round 4pm....
...when all of a sudden a swishy, glammy Chinese couple settle down the seat next to me. I would not have looked up except both were speaking in super thick genuine sounding american accents. Both were quite urban fashionista looking and were above average lookers - the man had a fashionable leather man-bag, a slick looking goatee and fetching office wear; the woman had perfect makeup, a slick ponytail, a very cute classic handbag-jazzy skirt-sweet little sweather look. Both were wearing similar shades of black, white and grey colours.
It was hard to ignore the conversation they were having right next to me. Me guess is I hardly look like I move in their exalted circles so I did not present enough of a threat for them to have PC conversation. They were SO OBVIOUSLY FLIRTING with each other - the guy being alot more aggressive and obvious; the girl was quite coy. I swear I had to stop my eyeballs from rolling in sockets as I tried to concentrate on marking.
This is my summary of their little mating ritual:
(I KID YOU NOT! You think I can actually make this stuff up?)
ENTER GlamGal (GG) and GlamMan (GM).
GG sweetly settles GM in his seat and brings him his coffee and gets variety of cookies.
GG plays 'sweet little girl / sex-goddess-of-your-dreams' card:
Quotable quote: "Ohhh I love a good cookie. It's like a good kiss....you just want to have more and more with every taste. And a good cup of tea....that's like a nice weekend - warm and relaxing."
GM parries with 'sweet man-who-notices-your-inner-beauty' card
Quotable quote: "You know what I like about you? You are so genteel and sweet. (ok this is funny when you compare to what happens later)
GM plays ' Look at my flirty rogue side'
Quotable quote: "When you asked me for coffee or tea, I was hoping you would add the "or me" part'
GG plays 'i am not a forward woman' card
Quotable quote: "You know I have a friend who I want to introduce to you. She's your type."
GM plays 'i am not that into you' card
Quotable quote:"Well then, tell me is she hot?"
GM goes for shock and awe tactic
Quotable quote: "But more importantly, tell me, are you palming me off? Do I scare you?"
GG plays trump card ' I am highly desired by others'. She gets phone call which she entertains for a full 15 minutes - obviously talking to another male friend who is flirting with her on phone. She simultaneously assures GM she knows he still exists by caressing his chin to turn his head towards her in sweet manner.
Quotable quote: "Oh (Friend on phone), don't you want to know what I do with all my boy toys?"
VERY Quotable quote:: "Oh yes he's back in town again. I don't understand him. I mean I will do my duties to him as a good wife but apart from that he can't expect much else." (!!!!!!!good grief she's married!)
GM trying hard to disguise his peeved state. Bored, looks around and sadly my table has nothing of interest save many ugly looking giam-chye essays of my students with multiple red marks. FOr a moment there is discernable silence as they try to figure out how to continue after awkward phonecall.
GM plays final hand ' I am a man of mystery for you to unwind' card
Quotable quote: "You know you think I am obvious but actually I have a lot more underneath than you think. I used to have problems with my self-esteem but the moment I got it back, I said never again will I doubt myself"
GG cool, composed and with upper hand
Quotable quote:"There is a lot about me you have yet to find out as well."
They then get up to leave with strange non-sequitur
GG "what are you wearing tomorrow?"
GM "I am thinking of a white top, with black shorts perhaps (etc details)"
GG "so I will be seeing you tommorrow then?"
GM "definintely, I'll make sure of it"
END OF STUDY IN MATING RITUALS
geez was that a strange marking session. A lot more interesting than the stuff my kids wrote about at least!
Monday, March 28, 2005
Saturday, March 26, 2005
can you marry anyone?
can you marry anyone?
that seems to be a question that presses on in circles of singles. . Hwees blogged on that recentlyAre we being too choosy when we answer 'No" to that question? When Christ called us to love our fellow man, does that mean technically we can love everyone?
I think the trick lies in figuring out whether one has the right concept of love in the first place. "Love" as in the "Love your God with all your heart, mind, strength...Love yout neighbour".
Yes, I agree we are called to love our fellow man to the best of our ability.
Yes, I agree that many arranged marraiges work.
But I disagree with the notion that it is being "picky" to say "I dont believe we can marry anyone as long as we try...especially if we are christians"
I would like to consider the case of friendship: From strangers to mere acquaintances to best friends - I am called to do my best to Love them as deep and true as Christ did. I try to extend the same courtesies, grace and favour I do on my best friend to strangers especially in times of need.
Yet even while I try to Love everyone, I recognise that only a precious few will become my best friends, my most beloved and trusted of buddies. Even if Christ has liberated me enough that I am comfortable being myself with practically everyone I know, it does not mean I am blessed with 200 best friends. I am blessed with a handful that almost seemed crafted for me to have that instant "click" with.
WIth some friends, there is a natural synergy that goes beyond having the same goals and values. To be trite, it's that "x-factor'. WIth some people, you find a natural resting place, a Home to find rest in, a place of easy laughter. With some people, you find the comfort of just being, without having to fill it up with conversation or activty. Like there is a rightness. a fit, a Design.
I try to love everyone as a neighbour, but some seem to be Destined to become the best neighbours I have ever known. It does not mean once I found my best neighbours I can stop loving everyone. I am called to do so regardless of the blessings of best friends that have been sent my way. Everyone must be my friend - nay, everyone must be trated as precious and designed by God,
That is what I think it will be like for marriage.
My stance as a single christian woman - every man (indeed every woman as well!) is to be treated with the Love of Christ. Patience, kindness, gentleness...Corinthians 13 kind of Love.
But you cannot marry everyone of them. It is as impossible as expecting everyone to be your best friend. You can Love everyone but you do not need to marry everyone of them. You can befriend everyone but you do not need to be everyone's best friend. God has a plan for each of us - unique individuals. There are other unique individuals He will bring into our lives to really impact, and other unique individuals He will send into other people's lives to impact.
Walking into every friendship and expecting them to be your bestt buddy in the world is just as silly and even unloving as walking past every guy and expecting them to be your husband. It is a emotional burden you place on them: what can you Give me in this relationship? It is not wrong to expect people to live up to a standard of human decency but it is wrong to expect everyone (and i suspect anyone) to be as self-sacrificing as Christ. It is a given Truth that while all of us live on this earth, we are all sinners.
More importantly, it is wrong to prioritise what people can Give you in a relationship over what you can give them.
Note it is different from walking into every friendship and treating them as if they are worthy and valuable as your best friend. That's Loving. It's not that Love is given without expectancy. To clarify:Love is freely given without expectancy of reward or it being deserving. That is Graciousness.We need to walk into every relationship in our life with the expectancy to serve and to give.
Sometimes I think we single christian women whine rather too loudly about why our single christian brothers do not turn to us and love us (aka romance and marry us). We are after all wonderful desirable godly creatures right? Men suck. Men don't know what they are missing out on. Men blind etc. etc. Or Women only care about money. Women will never go out with ugly men. Women suck.
Where is the grace?
OK...while there may be grains of truth there (harhar) I think it is unproductive and after a while, silly to keep up with that refrain. Plus I think there is some degree of maliciousness in thinking, "THE MEN/WOMEN DON'T GET IT". I admit I am guilty ot thinking that and always when I do, I realise it does ZERO to encourage or edify my christian brothers or sisters. It is a statement of no hope, no peace and no understanding. Is that treating each other with gentleness?
Why do we worry of such things? Our hope has always been in Christ and the Kingdom of God. a new heavens and a new earth. We all, single and married have new life within.
Life does not start at birth, nor does it start with your first kiss, nor the moment you become one flesh with your beloved. Life starts the moment you realised God was your Father, Maker, Saviour and Lord.
Ask, Seek, Open your eyes, Unstop your ears, Soften your heart.....and be amazed at how fast God will fill you with enigmatic peace and joy within.
We have a whole world of people to Love. Among them, perhaps there will be one that we will be blessed with to marry or perhaps we may walk this world alone For a Little While. It does not matter.
All that does is for us to watch, hope and pray and always, always Feed His Sheep.....be they Clueless Bachelors or SIlly Spinsters or Smug Marrieds.
that seems to be a question that presses on in circles of singles. . Hwees blogged on that recentlyAre we being too choosy when we answer 'No" to that question? When Christ called us to love our fellow man, does that mean technically we can love everyone?
I think the trick lies in figuring out whether one has the right concept of love in the first place. "Love" as in the "Love your God with all your heart, mind, strength...Love yout neighbour".
Yes, I agree we are called to love our fellow man to the best of our ability.
Yes, I agree that many arranged marraiges work.
But I disagree with the notion that it is being "picky" to say "I dont believe we can marry anyone as long as we try...especially if we are christians"
I would like to consider the case of friendship: From strangers to mere acquaintances to best friends - I am called to do my best to Love them as deep and true as Christ did. I try to extend the same courtesies, grace and favour I do on my best friend to strangers especially in times of need.
Yet even while I try to Love everyone, I recognise that only a precious few will become my best friends, my most beloved and trusted of buddies. Even if Christ has liberated me enough that I am comfortable being myself with practically everyone I know, it does not mean I am blessed with 200 best friends. I am blessed with a handful that almost seemed crafted for me to have that instant "click" with.
WIth some friends, there is a natural synergy that goes beyond having the same goals and values. To be trite, it's that "x-factor'. WIth some people, you find a natural resting place, a Home to find rest in, a place of easy laughter. With some people, you find the comfort of just being, without having to fill it up with conversation or activty. Like there is a rightness. a fit, a Design.
I try to love everyone as a neighbour, but some seem to be Destined to become the best neighbours I have ever known. It does not mean once I found my best neighbours I can stop loving everyone. I am called to do so regardless of the blessings of best friends that have been sent my way. Everyone must be my friend - nay, everyone must be trated as precious and designed by God,
That is what I think it will be like for marriage.
My stance as a single christian woman - every man (indeed every woman as well!) is to be treated with the Love of Christ. Patience, kindness, gentleness...Corinthians 13 kind of Love.
But you cannot marry everyone of them. It is as impossible as expecting everyone to be your best friend. You can Love everyone but you do not need to marry everyone of them. You can befriend everyone but you do not need to be everyone's best friend. God has a plan for each of us - unique individuals. There are other unique individuals He will bring into our lives to really impact, and other unique individuals He will send into other people's lives to impact.
Walking into every friendship and expecting them to be your bestt buddy in the world is just as silly and even unloving as walking past every guy and expecting them to be your husband. It is a emotional burden you place on them: what can you Give me in this relationship? It is not wrong to expect people to live up to a standard of human decency but it is wrong to expect everyone (and i suspect anyone) to be as self-sacrificing as Christ. It is a given Truth that while all of us live on this earth, we are all sinners.
More importantly, it is wrong to prioritise what people can Give you in a relationship over what you can give them.
Note it is different from walking into every friendship and treating them as if they are worthy and valuable as your best friend. That's Loving. It's not that Love is given without expectancy. To clarify:Love is freely given without expectancy of reward or it being deserving. That is Graciousness.We need to walk into every relationship in our life with the expectancy to serve and to give.
Sometimes I think we single christian women whine rather too loudly about why our single christian brothers do not turn to us and love us (aka romance and marry us). We are after all wonderful desirable godly creatures right? Men suck. Men don't know what they are missing out on. Men blind etc. etc. Or Women only care about money. Women will never go out with ugly men. Women suck.
Where is the grace?
OK...while there may be grains of truth there (harhar) I think it is unproductive and after a while, silly to keep up with that refrain. Plus I think there is some degree of maliciousness in thinking, "THE MEN/WOMEN DON'T GET IT". I admit I am guilty ot thinking that and always when I do, I realise it does ZERO to encourage or edify my christian brothers or sisters. It is a statement of no hope, no peace and no understanding. Is that treating each other with gentleness?
Why do we worry of such things? Our hope has always been in Christ and the Kingdom of God. a new heavens and a new earth. We all, single and married have new life within.
Life does not start at birth, nor does it start with your first kiss, nor the moment you become one flesh with your beloved. Life starts the moment you realised God was your Father, Maker, Saviour and Lord.
Ask, Seek, Open your eyes, Unstop your ears, Soften your heart.....and be amazed at how fast God will fill you with enigmatic peace and joy within.
We have a whole world of people to Love. Among them, perhaps there will be one that we will be blessed with to marry or perhaps we may walk this world alone For a Little While. It does not matter.
All that does is for us to watch, hope and pray and always, always Feed His Sheep.....be they Clueless Bachelors or SIlly Spinsters or Smug Marrieds.
Friday, March 25, 2005
am so in love!
....with this website called Community Toolbox
IT IS SO WHAT I NEED! but man information overload or what....wish i could just buy the book. now at least got some framework to gather and control my thoughts.
Anyhow for those not in the know, My Seed of A Good Idea (aka Seed of a Bad Headache) has been preoccupying my thoughts since beginning of this year. Basically, I am trying to expand my little learning centre and turn it into a proper civic centre for youths. Aim: to develop knowledge, empathy and initiative in them.
umm....but putting idea into tangible reality of numbers, quantifiable stats and stuff has been one big FREAKOUT for someone who operates on ideas, big picture sort of thing. I am SO not cut out for operations, accounts and all. Am not a planner, not Type A, not a PDA toting mover and shaker. Me just a "cher" who wants to play with rabbits, talk rubbish to students, secretly long for fixed salary with mega bonus, talk big airy fairy concepts and theories like they can happen really easily :P
but the stupid Creating Our Future initiative had to come my way. And my stupid wannabe activist side had to push me into it. And God had to give me exactly what I was asking for before I knew that was what I wanted: A definitive Vision of where I want School of Thought to be.
Sometimes when He gives you what you want, you gotta start wondering if you even knew what you were asking for. Ask for the Kingdom of God and you will find it. It will be the Best and most difficult thing you ever got.
Been trying to read up, trying to talk to people....trying to face my fears...overcome my hatred for planning/accounts etc (yes i KNOW i have been in business for more than 3 years and ought to know...and yes, i am one of those idiots who live on a hope and a prayer. So far so good. ).....scaring myself silly with thoughts of how un-cut-out-for-this-big-community-initiative kind of thing.....musing at God's sense of humour and timing.....
this is God's version of an MBA for me. I just know it. It's payback for my constant refrain that I never wanna go back to school for a further degree. By end of year, I better DIE DIE learn something massive. Cao School of Hard Knocks. bummer.
off-tangent:
I realise this has parallels to my thoughts on relationships. Being a dyed in the wool single gal, I sometimes worry that all my heroic idealistic theories about love and sacrifice etc will one day be put to the practical test when I get attached. Maybe this is God training me to go into the trenches to show me Theories can work. I bet this is His sneaky way of preparing me for more scenarios of "eh, I give you what you sought for, can you handle it?"
huh. i can't believe its only March.
IT IS SO WHAT I NEED! but man information overload or what....wish i could just buy the book. now at least got some framework to gather and control my thoughts.
Anyhow for those not in the know, My Seed of A Good Idea (aka Seed of a Bad Headache) has been preoccupying my thoughts since beginning of this year. Basically, I am trying to expand my little learning centre and turn it into a proper civic centre for youths. Aim: to develop knowledge, empathy and initiative in them.
umm....but putting idea into tangible reality of numbers, quantifiable stats and stuff has been one big FREAKOUT for someone who operates on ideas, big picture sort of thing. I am SO not cut out for operations, accounts and all. Am not a planner, not Type A, not a PDA toting mover and shaker. Me just a "cher" who wants to play with rabbits, talk rubbish to students, secretly long for fixed salary with mega bonus, talk big airy fairy concepts and theories like they can happen really easily :P
but the stupid Creating Our Future initiative had to come my way. And my stupid wannabe activist side had to push me into it. And God had to give me exactly what I was asking for before I knew that was what I wanted: A definitive Vision of where I want School of Thought to be.
Sometimes when He gives you what you want, you gotta start wondering if you even knew what you were asking for. Ask for the Kingdom of God and you will find it. It will be the Best and most difficult thing you ever got.
Been trying to read up, trying to talk to people....trying to face my fears...overcome my hatred for planning/accounts etc (yes i KNOW i have been in business for more than 3 years and ought to know...and yes, i am one of those idiots who live on a hope and a prayer. So far so good. ).....scaring myself silly with thoughts of how un-cut-out-for-this-big-community-initiative kind of thing.....musing at God's sense of humour and timing.....
this is God's version of an MBA for me. I just know it. It's payback for my constant refrain that I never wanna go back to school for a further degree. By end of year, I better DIE DIE learn something massive. Cao School of Hard Knocks. bummer.
off-tangent:
I realise this has parallels to my thoughts on relationships. Being a dyed in the wool single gal, I sometimes worry that all my heroic idealistic theories about love and sacrifice etc will one day be put to the practical test when I get attached. Maybe this is God training me to go into the trenches to show me Theories can work. I bet this is His sneaky way of preparing me for more scenarios of "eh, I give you what you sought for, can you handle it?"
huh. i can't believe its only March.
Tuesday, March 22, 2005
teeny tidbits of thanksgiving #1
friends who are willing to get all excited about stupid poses, trashy parties and dressing up. :)
not even talking about newfound ones in church of all places. ( as testified by Communist Party silliness)
Got friends of that sort in abundance in architecture school as well. The recent weekend celebrating 2 archi people getting married was such a laugh-fest when we made the poor photographer take pseudo GQ shots for us.
It was pointed out by one archi observer that it was frightening how everyone in our stupid crowd just jumped into instant poses when told "Think attitude like America's Top model!"
haha.
not even talking about newfound ones in church of all places. ( as testified by Communist Party silliness)
Got friends of that sort in abundance in architecture school as well. The recent weekend celebrating 2 archi people getting married was such a laugh-fest when we made the poor photographer take pseudo GQ shots for us.
It was pointed out by one archi observer that it was frightening how everyone in our stupid crowd just jumped into instant poses when told "Think attitude like America's Top model!"
haha.
Update on Easter Week
geez. i tried the pastor prince-y advice about "do wrong thing already then just STOP, give thanks to His Providence, accept there is no more condemnation in Him and go sin no more."
i have to say, that really is good advice. Had plenty of tiny everyday opportunity today to be reminded of my need for His grace and how much hope and joy that brings to my heart and feet.
Stupid little things like :
- cursing under my breath at slow moving people as I was rushing from place to place
- the countless 'teacher...i finish oredi what to do now....teacher i wanna go toilet....teacher he throw things at me" refrain of 'toot' students who could not see I was trying to coach a particularly slow and naughty classmate.
-my careless haphazard planning that led to compromise in amount of time i had to teach my 2 tuition kids.
All these instances that would have generated the usual guilt in my heart instead became points of strength and buoyancy when I remembered to just STOP, restrain and THANK GOD (literally) for the fact that He died for all our iniquities and rose again to bring us new hope and Life! wahhhhhhh much better feeling after that.
interesting side story:
my above 'toot' students are 12 year old EM3 (aka not too academically inclined) students from a neighbourhood school that I am teaching creative writing to. So today I made kids create characters with strengths and weaknesses and got them to create stories based on these traits. Many of the Muslim kids somehow made their characters God-fearing but had inconsistent plots where their characters ran around doing random silly things. I was explaining concept of "short stories usually have Character making turn-around in their lives". I said something like, "Your naughty character suddenly become so likeable. Why? Did he pray to God and God changed him?"
puzzled little Malay Muslim kids said,"'Cher, cannot. No prayer mat."
I told them something vaguely politically correct like, " You can pray to God in your hearts right? Like now in class also can pray what."
Cute Malay Muslim boy promptly clasps his hands in imitation of Christian prayer and beams beatifically, "Ya of course can lah."
Then they sucker-punch me with, "'Cher, you Christian ah?" I had forgotten I was wearing my cross today ( as part of the 'try to have good easter week' reminder)
ohhhhhhh BOY was I GLAD I did not cave into irritation today at their incessant noise, monkeying around and chaos. At times, I really have to bite down the typical flustered teacher scream of non-control, "get out of the class now!" coupled with dirty look at offending student. Have caved into temptation a couple of times in my neighbourhood teaching career.
So I said, "Ya. I am christian" and smiled at them, more in relief and thankfulness at having presented a semblance of decency to them for at least that day itself.......(thanks to reminder from church which i was tempted to pontang no less!)
:) God is Good. HIs mercy thankfully endures forever.
Me is fickle rotten banana but a heckuva Saved rotter at least!
i have to say, that really is good advice. Had plenty of tiny everyday opportunity today to be reminded of my need for His grace and how much hope and joy that brings to my heart and feet.
Stupid little things like :
- cursing under my breath at slow moving people as I was rushing from place to place
- the countless 'teacher...i finish oredi what to do now....teacher i wanna go toilet....teacher he throw things at me" refrain of 'toot' students who could not see I was trying to coach a particularly slow and naughty classmate.
-my careless haphazard planning that led to compromise in amount of time i had to teach my 2 tuition kids.
All these instances that would have generated the usual guilt in my heart instead became points of strength and buoyancy when I remembered to just STOP, restrain and THANK GOD (literally) for the fact that He died for all our iniquities and rose again to bring us new hope and Life! wahhhhhhh much better feeling after that.
interesting side story:
my above 'toot' students are 12 year old EM3 (aka not too academically inclined) students from a neighbourhood school that I am teaching creative writing to. So today I made kids create characters with strengths and weaknesses and got them to create stories based on these traits. Many of the Muslim kids somehow made their characters God-fearing but had inconsistent plots where their characters ran around doing random silly things. I was explaining concept of "short stories usually have Character making turn-around in their lives". I said something like, "Your naughty character suddenly become so likeable. Why? Did he pray to God and God changed him?"
puzzled little Malay Muslim kids said,"'Cher, cannot. No prayer mat."
I told them something vaguely politically correct like, " You can pray to God in your hearts right? Like now in class also can pray what."
Cute Malay Muslim boy promptly clasps his hands in imitation of Christian prayer and beams beatifically, "Ya of course can lah."
Then they sucker-punch me with, "'Cher, you Christian ah?" I had forgotten I was wearing my cross today ( as part of the 'try to have good easter week' reminder)
ohhhhhhh BOY was I GLAD I did not cave into irritation today at their incessant noise, monkeying around and chaos. At times, I really have to bite down the typical flustered teacher scream of non-control, "get out of the class now!" coupled with dirty look at offending student. Have caved into temptation a couple of times in my neighbourhood teaching career.
So I said, "Ya. I am christian" and smiled at them, more in relief and thankfulness at having presented a semblance of decency to them for at least that day itself.......(thanks to reminder from church which i was tempted to pontang no less!)
:) God is Good. HIs mercy thankfully endures forever.
Me is fickle rotten banana but a heckuva Saved rotter at least!
Monday, March 21, 2005
easter week!
yay its easter week! am rather excited....and its odd because though i have been a christian for almost 8 years, i never really gave it much thought. christmas always excited me more --- i guess because of the attached connotations of end-of-year, celebrations, holidays etc. etc. "things of the world'.
well this year and i hope in the years to come, i will find meaning in easter week. Went to the Rock just yesterday for service. What I think about the Rock as a church and Pastor Prince as a pastor is for a whole separate blog, but generally me and my friend had a good time. I am in the camp that would try not be too quick to condemn some of the Rock's ways (esp. if one has never seen it first-hand), while simultaneously keeping out an eye for discrepancies or fallacies in the church. Pretty much the same principle applies to all churches lah.
Prince made an interesting point being made about how we should wake up each morning and conduct the rest of our day. Every time in the day we catch ourselves thinking or doing ungodly things, we are to stop whatever it is, don't beat up ourselves about it, just STOP doing whatever it is and immediately give thanks to God for his mercy, the seed He has planted in us that is changing us slowly but surely, and worship him for "there is no condemnation" in Him....thus, like the adulterous woman, we are told to "then go and sin no more".
all common sense-y stuff but a pretty good reminder of how to practically live out the belief that God has redeemed us and how that is supposed to change the way we live despite how many times we fall flat on our sinful faces.
Easter week! Hallelujah! Shall find a hot cross bun for tea today. Looking forward to a week of kick-ass talks by Michael Raiter.
well this year and i hope in the years to come, i will find meaning in easter week. Went to the Rock just yesterday for service. What I think about the Rock as a church and Pastor Prince as a pastor is for a whole separate blog, but generally me and my friend had a good time. I am in the camp that would try not be too quick to condemn some of the Rock's ways (esp. if one has never seen it first-hand), while simultaneously keeping out an eye for discrepancies or fallacies in the church. Pretty much the same principle applies to all churches lah.
Prince made an interesting point being made about how we should wake up each morning and conduct the rest of our day. Every time in the day we catch ourselves thinking or doing ungodly things, we are to stop whatever it is, don't beat up ourselves about it, just STOP doing whatever it is and immediately give thanks to God for his mercy, the seed He has planted in us that is changing us slowly but surely, and worship him for "there is no condemnation" in Him....thus, like the adulterous woman, we are told to "then go and sin no more".
all common sense-y stuff but a pretty good reminder of how to practically live out the belief that God has redeemed us and how that is supposed to change the way we live despite how many times we fall flat on our sinful faces.
Easter week! Hallelujah! Shall find a hot cross bun for tea today. Looking forward to a week of kick-ass talks by Michael Raiter.
Friday, March 18, 2005
WAH LAU
have been looking at my calendar for next few months.
By July, if all goes hunky-dory and i wont have my head blown apart by freaking out from massive to do list, or fallen flat on my face in humiliation.......I ought to have done a whole bunch of "gee i never did that before" things.
1) written my first real business/ social enterprise plan
2) gotten hold of my first governmental funding. and had major freak out. hahaha
3) headed my very first publicity campaign for big youth festival on july 2nd celebrating activism for youth.
4) written framework of my first collaborative programme with Promiseworks
5) Gone to South Italy!!!
6) taught neighbourhood kids to write half decent poetry
7) ran a student workshop teaching anime and graphic novel appreciation
8) played at being a Jie-Mei for once
WAH LAU. i feel tired and excited already thinking about it.
if if if if if all goes well, I am thinking 2005 is already shaping up to be one ARSE-KICKING year.
I am not entirely sure what i have gotten myself into. Wierd part is i never saw myself as someone doing all that.
I suck at details, operations, numbers, leader-leader, responsible responsible kinda thing.
I am good with big picture, theories, touchy feely, one-on-one relationships and the whole she-bang.
For goodness sake I still make "mao mao" sounds at rabbits and play DND like a 15 year old kid.
but putting myself more and more into this whole youth activism thing has been showing me more and more
about what I need to grow in and what I must develop. That much is clear. God knows why He is leading me down this treacherous little path of learning...but yeah, appreciate it ,BIg Guy, you da best.
Have been meeting so many SIngaporeans who are doing one million cool things everyday and are GOOD at it. HOw they can balance full time work and a trillion leadership roles in community service PLUS maintaining church ministries AND good family relations..........i was totally marvelling at this guy at today's YOuth Action meeting, who was practically pulling out names and contacts from every where to answer people's needs. It really showed you how long he had been in the trenches doing community service, searching for money to fund social causes etc.
And the speed and efficiency at which they carried out their tasks put me to shame. I desperately try to keep up at their speed and efficiency. One of them said he would connect me with some right people to talk to about my business plan.....when i get home...BOOM two fabulously crafted emails to said contacts, CC'g me. One of the contacts had already replied and requested a meeting to be set up.
phwoar. Now that's what i call making things happen.
geez. I wanna be like them. They cool. They are my "ooh seh" role models. I vow to leave my masak masak ways behind now. time to play the game the way these guys do. or attempt to fake as much of a semblance as possible.
To anyone who still thinks singaporeans are boring and not proactive, i say....man....you have so not met the inspiring people under the radar i have been meeting these past few months.
geez. gets you a real sense of the little threads God is pulling to make things happen. cannot count the number of christians who have been placing themselves in all the right nexus points in the community service circle.
exciting Kingdom of God stuffs yah.
Truly truly, the secret of the kingdom of god has been given. One only has to Seek it, and they will See it.
These guys really demonstrate that.
By July, if all goes hunky-dory and i wont have my head blown apart by freaking out from massive to do list, or fallen flat on my face in humiliation.......I ought to have done a whole bunch of "gee i never did that before" things.
1) written my first real business/ social enterprise plan
2) gotten hold of my first governmental funding. and had major freak out. hahaha
3) headed my very first publicity campaign for big youth festival on july 2nd celebrating activism for youth.
4) written framework of my first collaborative programme with Promiseworks
5) Gone to South Italy!!!
6) taught neighbourhood kids to write half decent poetry
7) ran a student workshop teaching anime and graphic novel appreciation
8) played at being a Jie-Mei for once
WAH LAU. i feel tired and excited already thinking about it.
if if if if if all goes well, I am thinking 2005 is already shaping up to be one ARSE-KICKING year.
I am not entirely sure what i have gotten myself into. Wierd part is i never saw myself as someone doing all that.
I suck at details, operations, numbers, leader-leader, responsible responsible kinda thing.
I am good with big picture, theories, touchy feely, one-on-one relationships and the whole she-bang.
For goodness sake I still make "mao mao" sounds at rabbits and play DND like a 15 year old kid.
but putting myself more and more into this whole youth activism thing has been showing me more and more
about what I need to grow in and what I must develop. That much is clear. God knows why He is leading me down this treacherous little path of learning...but yeah, appreciate it ,BIg Guy, you da best.
Have been meeting so many SIngaporeans who are doing one million cool things everyday and are GOOD at it. HOw they can balance full time work and a trillion leadership roles in community service PLUS maintaining church ministries AND good family relations..........i was totally marvelling at this guy at today's YOuth Action meeting, who was practically pulling out names and contacts from every where to answer people's needs. It really showed you how long he had been in the trenches doing community service, searching for money to fund social causes etc.
And the speed and efficiency at which they carried out their tasks put me to shame. I desperately try to keep up at their speed and efficiency. One of them said he would connect me with some right people to talk to about my business plan.....when i get home...BOOM two fabulously crafted emails to said contacts, CC'g me. One of the contacts had already replied and requested a meeting to be set up.
phwoar. Now that's what i call making things happen.
geez. I wanna be like them. They cool. They are my "ooh seh" role models. I vow to leave my masak masak ways behind now. time to play the game the way these guys do. or attempt to fake as much of a semblance as possible.
To anyone who still thinks singaporeans are boring and not proactive, i say....man....you have so not met the inspiring people under the radar i have been meeting these past few months.
geez. gets you a real sense of the little threads God is pulling to make things happen. cannot count the number of christians who have been placing themselves in all the right nexus points in the community service circle.
exciting Kingdom of God stuffs yah.
Truly truly, the secret of the kingdom of god has been given. One only has to Seek it, and they will See it.
These guys really demonstrate that.
Comrades!
more silliness from Communist party night...with old china postcard feel thanks to Desaturation button in photoshop. :)
Tuesday, March 15, 2005
Beijing or Bust!
Scene from The O.C.'s farewell bash the much inspired Communist Party.
Me giving my best impression of a KGB spy Marvel comics style (circa 1980s S.H.I.E.L.D's NIck Fury)
Agent Orange(Clouds) - We will be looking out for ya in prayers and all.
Here's looking at ya, kid.
Me giving my best impression of a KGB spy Marvel comics style (circa 1980s S.H.I.E.L.D's NIck Fury)
Agent Orange(Clouds) - We will be looking out for ya in prayers and all.
Here's looking at ya, kid.
Monday, March 14, 2005
CEWTTK - Five Loaves, Two Fishes of a talent
My insurance agent/financial advisor has recently morphed into my accountability partner / non-profit consultant by sheer meddling of the Holy Spirit.
we had initially met up to set up a investment account....being both christian, we usually begin our "work" meetings with updates on what is happenign at both our churches and cell groups. He is from shalala-ing charismatic circles, me from sober Presby. Anyhoo, I was sharing about my traumatising attempts to teach weak, unmotivated students as well as my humbling, fumbling attempts to draft the first proper business plan of my short life. He gets all excited about the business plan thingee especially because of the christian-y/ social activist aspects of the business i wish to set up.
WIth typical Charismatic enthusiasm, he got me to pray with him about it before he started attacking my "To DO' list and formatting a timeline of goals for me to achieve. ANyone who knows me, knows I abhor numbers, scary timelines and crap...I am NOT an operations minded person so it was gratifying (and scary) to have someone map it out for me. In short, now i have a semi ready made road map sent from God through my insurance agentt. haha who knew.
FUnny part is that in our discussion, my agent gets hit by a wierd realisation from God himself. He has been asking himself all along what ministry to be involved in at church. Through preparing my plan, he literally gets struck (kid you not, he literally clutched his shirt front) with the uncomfortable thought that he was meant to minister to difficult youth within his church.
Now youth ministry to him is as much of a "WAH LAU EH - CRAP!" as operations/ numbers are to me. So it was payback, Holy Spirit style - i was supposed to make sure he called his church and committed to youth ministry while he made sure i kept to my timetable for business plan. He was just as freaked by his call to ministry as i was freaked by my call to bring my school to where it ought to be.
sigh. god is good. but scary.
humbling so humbling. I feel more and more like jesus' disciples who ran after him saying "How lord? HOw can 5 loaves and 2 fishes feed 5000??? you Mad ah!"
yet i am expected to raise my meagre talent to heaven, break it, give thanks for it and somehow watch the multiplication happen.
Man......I wish I could fast forward to the future. I dont have a clue how to make things happen today. But DIE DIE must try.
bugger.
Big lesson learnt this week:
The one thing scarier than never knowing what you are supposed to do with your life...
...is knowing what to do and having to actually be bold enough to finish it.
we had initially met up to set up a investment account....being both christian, we usually begin our "work" meetings with updates on what is happenign at both our churches and cell groups. He is from shalala-ing charismatic circles, me from sober Presby. Anyhoo, I was sharing about my traumatising attempts to teach weak, unmotivated students as well as my humbling, fumbling attempts to draft the first proper business plan of my short life. He gets all excited about the business plan thingee especially because of the christian-y/ social activist aspects of the business i wish to set up.
WIth typical Charismatic enthusiasm, he got me to pray with him about it before he started attacking my "To DO' list and formatting a timeline of goals for me to achieve. ANyone who knows me, knows I abhor numbers, scary timelines and crap...I am NOT an operations minded person so it was gratifying (and scary) to have someone map it out for me. In short, now i have a semi ready made road map sent from God through my insurance agentt. haha who knew.
FUnny part is that in our discussion, my agent gets hit by a wierd realisation from God himself. He has been asking himself all along what ministry to be involved in at church. Through preparing my plan, he literally gets struck (kid you not, he literally clutched his shirt front) with the uncomfortable thought that he was meant to minister to difficult youth within his church.
Now youth ministry to him is as much of a "WAH LAU EH - CRAP!" as operations/ numbers are to me. So it was payback, Holy Spirit style - i was supposed to make sure he called his church and committed to youth ministry while he made sure i kept to my timetable for business plan. He was just as freaked by his call to ministry as i was freaked by my call to bring my school to where it ought to be.
sigh. god is good. but scary.
humbling so humbling. I feel more and more like jesus' disciples who ran after him saying "How lord? HOw can 5 loaves and 2 fishes feed 5000??? you Mad ah!"
yet i am expected to raise my meagre talent to heaven, break it, give thanks for it and somehow watch the multiplication happen.
Man......I wish I could fast forward to the future. I dont have a clue how to make things happen today. But DIE DIE must try.
bugger.
Big lesson learnt this week:
The one thing scarier than never knowing what you are supposed to do with your life...
...is knowing what to do and having to actually be bold enough to finish it.
Friday, March 11, 2005
Close Encounters with the Third Kind
people who are wondering about the identity of strange avatars can check out my comment on my flickr site.
thinking of keeping a log about wierd events in my life that happen from time to time that has the meddling fingerprints of the Holy Spirit all over.
one just happened yesterday but i really ought to be starting my work
Shall henceforth dub those blogs CEWTTK (close encounters with the Third Kind - as in trinity, holy ghost lah gedditgeddit. haha)
meanwhile here is a bizarro new avatar of me courtesy of Alto's german avatar site
: note how chibi manga style is replaced by nouveau european hed kandi-esque style. ah the wonders of avatar makers from different cultures!
check it out at "Make your own vidu"
thinking of keeping a log about wierd events in my life that happen from time to time that has the meddling fingerprints of the Holy Spirit all over.
one just happened yesterday but i really ought to be starting my work
Shall henceforth dub those blogs CEWTTK (close encounters with the Third Kind - as in trinity, holy ghost lah gedditgeddit. haha)
meanwhile here is a bizarro new avatar of me courtesy of Alto's german avatar site
: note how chibi manga style is replaced by nouveau european hed kandi-esque style. ah the wonders of avatar makers from different cultures!
check it out at "Make your own vidu"
Wednesday, March 09, 2005
Chibi Cell
Cellgroup in chibi format. haha.
no prizes for guessing who is who.
apologies for leaving anyone out or for lack of resemblance. This avatar programme has very limited choices in clothes, hair etc...hence some people just could not be made into avatars.
...and for those of you wondering what the heck CHIBI means...it is not a bad word. Chibi Art (a.k.a Super Deformed): "Chibi" is a Japanese term for "small". Chibi art is used a lot to convey humour or cuteness (kawaii mono) in anime and manga :)
no prizes for guessing who is who.
apologies for leaving anyone out or for lack of resemblance. This avatar programme has very limited choices in clothes, hair etc...hence some people just could not be made into avatars.
...and for those of you wondering what the heck CHIBI means...it is not a bad word. Chibi Art (a.k.a Super Deformed): "Chibi" is a Japanese term for "small". Chibi art is used a lot to convey humour or cuteness (kawaii mono) in anime and manga :)
Tuesday, March 08, 2005
How To Dismantle An Atomic Band ver 2.0
wrote and lost a lengthy post about U2' and am too lazy to attempt it again.
Shall just post a link to a mighty cool article I read in Christianity Today regarding Bono's recent rallying in the USA:
Bono's American Prayer
The world's biggest rock star tours the heartland, talking more openly about his faith as he recruits Christians in the fight against AIDS in Africa.
by Cathleen Falsani | posted 02/21/2003
"No poet—and Bono, the 42-year-old lead singer of the Irish rock band U2, considers himself a poet—enjoys having his verse scrutinized. And no musician likes to have to explain what a song means.
Nevertheless, for more than 20 years Bono's fans have been attempting to gauge his spiritual well-being by what he sings, what he says in interviews, talk shows, and awards programs, and what he does or doesn't do in public...."
Have never been a very big fan of U2 although I love some of their songs. I even went to a U2 concert, pretty much clueless and not liking half the songs (to be fair it was their horrendous POP tour). But reading this article and finding out more about their thinking, the causes they are supporting and actually reading through their lyrics properly...well let's just say today was the day I bought my first U2 album just to support them. :) I already have The Joshua Tree (brother's collection) so I got Everything You Cannot Leave Behind for a start.
Check out this amazing collection of writings about Christianity and U2 from Steven Stockman, a Christian with interests in pop culture and faith. Check out his other articles about Bob Dylan, Goosy Goosy Gander etc.
In light of criticisms from conservative Christians about U2's straddling of dual roles of rock superstardom vs. gospel servanthood, Stockman offers Pastor Tony Compolo's strident but cutting little quote:
"20,000 children have died of hunger today and you don't give a shit! In fact you are more concerned with the fact I used shit than that 20,000 children died of hunger".
Though Bono hardly looks like a Christian artiste and uses many a swear word to punctuate his statements, you cannot fault the man for trying really hard to raise the world's conscience about putting belief ino action. His work to relieve Third World Debt through The Jubilee Movement and fighting for aid for AIDS in Africa is nothing short of brilliance. That is one cool rocker and even cooler Christian. :)
Shall just post a link to a mighty cool article I read in Christianity Today regarding Bono's recent rallying in the USA:
Bono's American Prayer
The world's biggest rock star tours the heartland, talking more openly about his faith as he recruits Christians in the fight against AIDS in Africa.
by Cathleen Falsani | posted 02/21/2003
"No poet—and Bono, the 42-year-old lead singer of the Irish rock band U2, considers himself a poet—enjoys having his verse scrutinized. And no musician likes to have to explain what a song means.
Nevertheless, for more than 20 years Bono's fans have been attempting to gauge his spiritual well-being by what he sings, what he says in interviews, talk shows, and awards programs, and what he does or doesn't do in public...."
Have never been a very big fan of U2 although I love some of their songs. I even went to a U2 concert, pretty much clueless and not liking half the songs (to be fair it was their horrendous POP tour). But reading this article and finding out more about their thinking, the causes they are supporting and actually reading through their lyrics properly...well let's just say today was the day I bought my first U2 album just to support them. :) I already have The Joshua Tree (brother's collection) so I got Everything You Cannot Leave Behind for a start.
Check out this amazing collection of writings about Christianity and U2 from Steven Stockman, a Christian with interests in pop culture and faith. Check out his other articles about Bob Dylan, Goosy Goosy Gander etc.
In light of criticisms from conservative Christians about U2's straddling of dual roles of rock superstardom vs. gospel servanthood, Stockman offers Pastor Tony Compolo's strident but cutting little quote:
"20,000 children have died of hunger today and you don't give a shit! In fact you are more concerned with the fact I used shit than that 20,000 children died of hunger".
Though Bono hardly looks like a Christian artiste and uses many a swear word to punctuate his statements, you cannot fault the man for trying really hard to raise the world's conscience about putting belief ino action. His work to relieve Third World Debt through The Jubilee Movement and fighting for aid for AIDS in Africa is nothing short of brilliance. That is one cool rocker and even cooler Christian. :)
Saturday, March 05, 2005
little vindications of a wannabe educator
Today was A level Results day.....so nearing the hallowed hour of 3pm I awaited for little frantic SMSs from my students to tell me how they did.....and.....they.......
....did MINDBLOWINGLY well......
:))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
am proudest of my little Anderson JC group...the most earnest to learn about the world...the most endearing in their pursuit of bigger concepts to understand....they did the best. They SO ROCK da house. Everyone either got the grades they deserved or got way way better than expected.
Thank yoooooooooooooooooooooooouuuuu God!
I love teaching. SO love teaching. Nice way to end the week considering how it started :)
Amazing kiddies......okok, must feel more inspired to get the Good Idea going, God willing.
....did MINDBLOWINGLY well......
:))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
am proudest of my little Anderson JC group...the most earnest to learn about the world...the most endearing in their pursuit of bigger concepts to understand....they did the best. They SO ROCK da house. Everyone either got the grades they deserved or got way way better than expected.
Thank yoooooooooooooooooooooooouuuuu God!
I love teaching. SO love teaching. Nice way to end the week considering how it started :)
Amazing kiddies......okok, must feel more inspired to get the Good Idea going, God willing.
Thursday, March 03, 2005
Killing the Buddha - but not that way
Here's a pretty interesting site to read for articles that give you a captivating slice of insight into the American mind and religion. Some articles are very moving in their honesty like "My Kitty"
about how a Christian reporter lost her faith while writing for a Christian newsletter Being an ex-charismatic, I liked the article about
how a seminary student braces himself to be slain by the spirit of God
If you are wondering about the provocative name of the website:
In their own words: "Killing the Buddha is a religion magazine for people made anxious by churches, people embarrassed to be caught in the "spirituality" section of a bookstore. The idea of "killing the Buddha" comes from a famous Zen line, the context of which is easy to imagine: After years on his cushion, a monk has what he believes is a breakthrough: a glimpse of nirvana, the Buddhamind, the big pay-off. Reporting the experience to his master, however, he is informed that what has happened is par for the course, nothing special, maybe even damaging to his pursuit. And then the master gives the student dismaying advice: If you meet the Buddha, he says, kill him.
Why kill the Buddha? Because the Buddha you meet is not the true Buddha, but an expression of your longing. If this Buddha is not killed he will only stand in your way. "
about how a Christian reporter lost her faith while writing for a Christian newsletter Being an ex-charismatic, I liked the article about
how a seminary student braces himself to be slain by the spirit of God
If you are wondering about the provocative name of the website:
In their own words: "Killing the Buddha is a religion magazine for people made anxious by churches, people embarrassed to be caught in the "spirituality" section of a bookstore. The idea of "killing the Buddha" comes from a famous Zen line, the context of which is easy to imagine: After years on his cushion, a monk has what he believes is a breakthrough: a glimpse of nirvana, the Buddhamind, the big pay-off. Reporting the experience to his master, however, he is informed that what has happened is par for the course, nothing special, maybe even damaging to his pursuit. And then the master gives the student dismaying advice: If you meet the Buddha, he says, kill him.
Why kill the Buddha? Because the Buddha you meet is not the true Buddha, but an expression of your longing. If this Buddha is not killed he will only stand in your way. "
Wednesday, March 02, 2005
Pride and Providence
Last Sunday I had an amazing meeting with a youth welfare org. that I want to collaborate with for my Seed Of a Good Idea (SOGI). There were 3 of us at the meeting - strangers pretty much brought together by a stroke of providence and yet God's hand was clear in the perfect timing and coincidence of our future plans. I was struck too by how God was working and speaking in different ways in each of our lives. 3 individuals moved by God to help youth in a big way specifically this year for 3 different reasons. We ended the meeting with 3 prayers, entrusting our future plans into His hands and praying for His purposes to be manifest in them. If only all work meetings could end in prayer! :)
The invisible hand of God moved His 3 little chess pieces whether they knew or planned it. Thank goodness.... I would not have a clue how else it could have been done.
so.......
The following Monday was thus a strange one. I had a frustrating session with my O level group of students, trying to tease out from them feedback on what issues they were keen on, what methods were working etc. The blank wall of indifference was really daunting - I would urge again and again, "Guys, I cannot just plan lessons that don't work for you. YOU have to tell me what interests you, what would it take to get YOU keen on your education." They kept saying even if they said anything in school nothing changed anyway. They also claimed they were not interested in anything at all. When they say teenagers can frustrate the heck out of anyone, they are right. Teenagers have perfected the skill of assasination by silence or inane comments. I must have been just a sickening teenager to my parents.
Drawing a blank, I carried on with the lesson I planned. Then as usual one of them jokes, "this is so boring." It's his standard line that he says at every lesson I do and he has already warned me that he says it in every class to every teacher. Guy is in Normal Tech stream, in a class of what he deems as total rejects of the school.
Knowing all that, I still snapped. I threw my marker on the floor and went to the back of the class to get a drink. By the time I walked back to the board, I had suitably chastised myself and resumed proper Encouraging Teacher Vibes. Guilt made me SMS an apology and explanation to joking kid just in case he thought I was mad at him in particular.
Earlier in the day I had also found out the O level English results were out and I called up my ex-students to find out how they did. Overall, they got decent enough grades but I wondered if I could have helped them do better.
So that Monday night, I found myself doubting my ability to teach. Maybe I was just a big old fraud of an educator. I should have done this and this better. I should have handled such and such better. What was I doing even dreaming of going ahead with Seed of A Good Idea? What a farce! No wonder I was taking so long trying to draft out the plan....I was simply not the teacher I thought I was.
.....but realisation set in....
I put Hwee's "Fulfilled" on repeat so that I could hear something comforting. I prayed a bit. And I realised I never really did pray for my students. I never prayed for God to help me teach them well, I never prayed for Him to help me guard their hearts and minds. I assumed responsibility for my students in away that unconsciously left God out of the equation. It was as if I assumed I did not need His providence. Why was I so down about the results or reactions from my students? In a sense, I had no real control over my student's results or reactions in any real way.
I guess a major problem with teaching is you feel you have the power to personally shape and change the minds and hearts of your students. You can get so wrapped up in your position to change their lives that you start to imagine you have more responsibility over what happens to them than you think.
There is a grain of truth in all that - teachers have to ensure proper stewardship over their students. But the whole picture of the truth is that students have personal responsibility as well and more importantly......God is the absolute Ruler of this universe. I have to trust too in His reasons and His plans for the lives of those entrusted to me. My task is to carry out my duties with as much humbleness and integrity as I can muster.
Biggest lesson so far this week: depend on Him to provide. There is no place for too much Pride in the work that I do. The work that I do is a gift, a blessing from God.
This week, we learnt about how Jesus took 2 humble barley loaves and 5 pathetic little fish and fed 5000. All this despite the disciples disbelief, panic and doubt.
It comforts me - in my doubt, God will still move ahead with His magnificent plans to establish righteousness still. My "2 loaves, 5 fish" of a teaching talent....humble as it is....if I can lift it up to Heaven and give thanks for it and just use it in truth and love, perhaps by faith, God will make much much more of it than I ever dreamt.
That is my Hope and my desire. May God, a far greater Sheperd than I, provide and watch over my little flock of students.
The invisible hand of God moved His 3 little chess pieces whether they knew or planned it. Thank goodness.... I would not have a clue how else it could have been done.
so.......
The following Monday was thus a strange one. I had a frustrating session with my O level group of students, trying to tease out from them feedback on what issues they were keen on, what methods were working etc. The blank wall of indifference was really daunting - I would urge again and again, "Guys, I cannot just plan lessons that don't work for you. YOU have to tell me what interests you, what would it take to get YOU keen on your education." They kept saying even if they said anything in school nothing changed anyway. They also claimed they were not interested in anything at all. When they say teenagers can frustrate the heck out of anyone, they are right. Teenagers have perfected the skill of assasination by silence or inane comments. I must have been just a sickening teenager to my parents.
Drawing a blank, I carried on with the lesson I planned. Then as usual one of them jokes, "this is so boring." It's his standard line that he says at every lesson I do and he has already warned me that he says it in every class to every teacher. Guy is in Normal Tech stream, in a class of what he deems as total rejects of the school.
Knowing all that, I still snapped. I threw my marker on the floor and went to the back of the class to get a drink. By the time I walked back to the board, I had suitably chastised myself and resumed proper Encouraging Teacher Vibes. Guilt made me SMS an apology and explanation to joking kid just in case he thought I was mad at him in particular.
Earlier in the day I had also found out the O level English results were out and I called up my ex-students to find out how they did. Overall, they got decent enough grades but I wondered if I could have helped them do better.
So that Monday night, I found myself doubting my ability to teach. Maybe I was just a big old fraud of an educator. I should have done this and this better. I should have handled such and such better. What was I doing even dreaming of going ahead with Seed of A Good Idea? What a farce! No wonder I was taking so long trying to draft out the plan....I was simply not the teacher I thought I was.
.....but realisation set in....
I put Hwee's "Fulfilled" on repeat so that I could hear something comforting. I prayed a bit. And I realised I never really did pray for my students. I never prayed for God to help me teach them well, I never prayed for Him to help me guard their hearts and minds. I assumed responsibility for my students in away that unconsciously left God out of the equation. It was as if I assumed I did not need His providence. Why was I so down about the results or reactions from my students? In a sense, I had no real control over my student's results or reactions in any real way.
I guess a major problem with teaching is you feel you have the power to personally shape and change the minds and hearts of your students. You can get so wrapped up in your position to change their lives that you start to imagine you have more responsibility over what happens to them than you think.
There is a grain of truth in all that - teachers have to ensure proper stewardship over their students. But the whole picture of the truth is that students have personal responsibility as well and more importantly......God is the absolute Ruler of this universe. I have to trust too in His reasons and His plans for the lives of those entrusted to me. My task is to carry out my duties with as much humbleness and integrity as I can muster.
Biggest lesson so far this week: depend on Him to provide. There is no place for too much Pride in the work that I do. The work that I do is a gift, a blessing from God.
This week, we learnt about how Jesus took 2 humble barley loaves and 5 pathetic little fish and fed 5000. All this despite the disciples disbelief, panic and doubt.
It comforts me - in my doubt, God will still move ahead with His magnificent plans to establish righteousness still. My "2 loaves, 5 fish" of a teaching talent....humble as it is....if I can lift it up to Heaven and give thanks for it and just use it in truth and love, perhaps by faith, God will make much much more of it than I ever dreamt.
That is my Hope and my desire. May God, a far greater Sheperd than I, provide and watch over my little flock of students.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
