the weekend has been full of reminders about how the way of Christ is truly divided from the way of the world. Sometimes my life is so content that I forget that the essential call for followers of Christ is to be set up in opposition to the world.
i hate confrontation although i recognise the need for it. Increasingly I have been convicted of the need to speak up and be bold about the gospel and everything it implies on my life, values and outlook. But when I actually try to do it, despite all of God's warnings , I am still strangely shocked by how hard and painful it is to live by His ways.
My life can be in an easy, happy, cruise control mode. I can choose to coast along, not dealing with family, friends, strangers in a deep and meaningful manner. I can live as a surface follower of Christ with simple, happy pithy sayings, shallow assurances of 'i will be there for you" "i will pray for you" etc. or i can really commit my life to doing it right and really really be there fopr people or pray for people.
the challenge is too much:. Love is so difficult. Truth is so hard.
How do you act in graciousness and patience and kindness and yet not back down on voicing on the truth, and possibly causing pain to others and hassle to your own life? How do you rest assured that a life devoted to humbly serving God and serving people is not a stupid choice in a world that tells you your status depends on your money, your title, your romantic conquests and your earthly possessions?
i should not be shocked and scared but i still am. we live in a scary world. go out on a limb to live out in truth and love and there may be a strong chance that you will get bitten, get hurt, get downtrodden, get misunderstood, get mocked or laughed at.
by my own understanding, i should either pretend not to see the needs around me and coast along in "blissful, blind christianhood" or get all self-righteous and angry about things. but by leaning on God's understanding of the world, i see a far more frightening and yet more fruitful response ; persevere, fight, run the race, love with all your mind and heart and strength whatever the cost.
in the morning, i talked with Pastor Ting about the problem with having to be an example of Christ-likeness in a non Christian family. in the night, i had a disturbing conversation with my father about the life and ambitions I have chosen to live for. It was not like we quarrelled or anything, it was a pretty decent, nice conversation. but I felt the burden of how silly my life must look to him sometimes - i don't make the kind of money that my exalted Rafllesian peers must be making right now. I did not run down the scholarship path that I was expected to. I still think he wishes I did so just to set his mind at ease that I have a good future.
i went to bed, wretched and in tears. it was pretty painful to think through whether I was truly not trying hard enough to do the things i could be doing, earn the kind of money that i could be earning. I think the only way I got to sleep was because I kept pleading to God, "Please be real, please be real, please be true. Don't let me be put to shame. My whole life is staked on the fact that you are true." Sent out a bunch of pathetic SOS type SMSs to friends, the way you fling out bottles to sea hoping for a rescue response.
In the morning, I woke to messages in virtual bottles, floating back on a sea of ether. The many encouraging SMSs from fellow "fools in Christ". Their many words of Truth brought peace again. Picked myself up, found my daily bread and continued walking, the way it has always been for every Christian since Christ walked earth.
How much harder it must be for Christians who have far more painful, difficult walks to go through? I am tempted sometimes to brush aside my own struggles because they sound so stupid compared to real Christian martyrs. Yet God assures us He understands and sees each of our individual pains - we don't need to feel embarrassed at our individual struggles, as long as we follow HIs way, we will never be brought to shame.
Come home soon, Lord Messiah. We need you, man.
We need your kingdom soon to replace the screwed up one we have on earth.
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2 comments:
John 14 (I think it's 14) about abiding in the vine has been helpful to me.
It's not true that our non-Christian friends who have chosen different paths are any happier. So if we are to all be miserable, we might as well be existentially correct :)
heya beijing babe
we are missing ya back in the merlion metropolis. :) thanks for the encouragement. will look up John 14 again and see what the Spirit's got up His cunning little sleeves.
yeah, one way i try and comfort myself with my lack of 4 month bonuses is the intangible payments i get from doing what i do. like free time to read all the books i want to read and talk to people anytime, anywhere.
actually, i think i would be pretty miserable if i got a high-flying, high-paying office job. am not mentally built for it at all, office cubicles, ugly carpeting and flourescent white lighting freak me out....am a secret hippie at heart.
so cannot do yuppie for nuts.
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