been reading a book about understanding conversations between mothers and daughters and why they are always so fraught with tension and misunderstanding.
The title of the book says it all - "Are You Wearing That?!" heh. Was immediately amused because my mother has said that to me a few times before and that naturally led to a crossfire exchange. I remember I hated wearing skirts and dresses before university and my mother would always give me despairing looks if I walked out of the house in yet another pair of pants.
There was once in JC when I was rushing out to catch a play and just at the door, my mother yells, "GO WEAR A SKIRT!" My 17 year old smart mouth answers back, "FOR WHAT?! I AM LATE!" Then, she delivers the clincher," You want people to think you are LESBIAN is it?!" Of course, that did not go down too well with my 17 year old ego. :) Argument naturally ensues and to save time, I grouchily leave house with dress on and think nasty thoughts of Mother Nazi being 1) evil and always looking down on me 2) anti-homosexual.
At 29, I quarrel a lot less with my mother. It comes with growing up and understanding how human everybody is. I think that's the first marker of being grown-up - realising your parents are not superhuman and perfect, and learning to be more gracious towards them.
I think like the author of the book, I start to see that the stuff that comes out of a person's mouth may be a poor reflection of the stuff that WANTS to come out of a person's mouth.
In other words, there is the Message and then, there is the Meta-Message. Apparently, this is key to understanding women-to-women conversation: one must listen hard to the Message and even harder for the Meta Message.
"Are you coming home to eat?!" , "You think this house is a hotel?!", "You think you grow big now got wings to fly is it?!" and assorted nuggets of typical furious chinese mother-daughter exchanges can be translated as a sadder "I miss you. I am scared you don't like me or care for me anymore. Why are you so cold to me?"
Learning to concentrate on the Meta Message - the unspoken volumes of thought that get lost in translation - really helps cover a multitude of harsh exchanges.
If anything, it has stopped me from reverting to my 17 year old self that sees my mother as the Moral Police, the Weight/Dressing Nazi, Incessant Nag. :) It has helped me concentrate on seeing her as a human being hoping to communicate to another human being - one that she helped bring to life by a strange twist of fate.
Monday, July 31, 2006
Thursday, July 20, 2006
Christians and Politics
We have been studying 1 Samuel these few weeks in bible study. Honestly, Old Testament studies always freak me out a little because of all the historical references. I can never remember the names, places or one gagillion Levitical laws. Sometimes the OT feels so out of my depth. But everytime we actually study it, I am reminded that OT is not so much about history and factoids. It's about understanding God and His view of the world, the status quo and - as always - the state of our hearts.
This is a great little article about the inherent ickiness of Politicised religions.
I am uncomfortable when politicians talk about God as their ultimate supporter. I don't really like the way American politics is shaping up into a trash-talking, brow-beating fight between the Christian Democrats and the Christian Republicans - each wanting Jesus to be their Homeboy, so to speak. It seems as pointless to debate about whether Jesus is Right wing or Left wing as it is to debate about whether God is a Man or a Woman. The answer is THAT'S NOT THE POINT! geez. Jesus' concerns go beyond our political parties. God is a Self beyond the notion of gender. When we try to compartmentalise Jesus or God to fit our social and political agendas, something crucial is lost along the way.
This is not to say that Christians should be apolitical and not care a bit about what is happening in the world. In fact, I think Christians ought to do their best to take some serious interest in what's happening in global politics, economics and cultures. For anyone who lives in an information-rich developed nation, there should be some rudimentary grasp of world affairs at least.
I understand if Christians are clueless about stuff happening around the world - but really, if we know we are ignorant, we can do two things...
a) we can start educating ourselves since if we profess to care about the world, it helps to put money where your mouth is and take some teensy first steps towards understanding how it REALLY works
b) we can stop shooting our mouth off like we know alot when we don't! nobody expects you to be a know-it-all. Its better to humbly admit we are not that well read in a certain world or societal issue instead of making our minuscle knowledge sound like a PHd Thesis.
I went to a service where I heard a pastor say quite benignly, "The Middle East is the product of Abraham's mistake with Hagar. All those problems we have there now - terrorists, Muslim fundamentalists, bombing - are all one man's mistake. So let's be careful in our lives....etc etc"
My dad - a non Christian - also told me how pissed off he was when he went to a church and heard some Christians chitter on about the Middle East being all violent because they were non-belivers. Before I became Christian, I remember being brought to a church where the minister declared the Kobe Earthquake killed off so many Japanese because they did not believe in Jesus. I was in my early teens - a bit of a navel-gazing ninny - and even then, I thought, "what the $*?#$????"
GAH! oh don't even get me started on listening to some Christians talk/write about poverty, homosexuality, economics etc. Don't pontificate when you don't know that much. A little knowledge is a dangerous thing.
The more we read about what serious academics - both secular and Christian - have to say , the less likely we are to offer quick-mix, instant-pour answers that offend anyone with some discernment. We become acutely aware of how big the issue is, and how much work there is to be done in human hearts, minds and hands. We see why God needs to convert the very nature of a Man, in order to stop the vicious cycles we see in our civilisations.
The kind of problems we have in the world today warrant some genuine attention and respectful study. No matter what station we have in life, we owe our fellow human beings basic respect of the depth of what they are going through. It is only proper and humble to do so. Nobody expects easy answers. Nobody expects us to be PhDs. But definitely, few can tolerate a PhD wannabe with a Big Fat Know-It-All Answer. Least of all, the people going through the difficult issues - the poor, the homosexuals, the AIDS victims, the divorcees, the states struggling with terrorism or the victims of natural and man-made disasters.
k. getting off soap box now.
This is a great little article about the inherent ickiness of Politicised religions.
I am uncomfortable when politicians talk about God as their ultimate supporter. I don't really like the way American politics is shaping up into a trash-talking, brow-beating fight between the Christian Democrats and the Christian Republicans - each wanting Jesus to be their Homeboy, so to speak. It seems as pointless to debate about whether Jesus is Right wing or Left wing as it is to debate about whether God is a Man or a Woman. The answer is THAT'S NOT THE POINT! geez. Jesus' concerns go beyond our political parties. God is a Self beyond the notion of gender. When we try to compartmentalise Jesus or God to fit our social and political agendas, something crucial is lost along the way.
This is not to say that Christians should be apolitical and not care a bit about what is happening in the world. In fact, I think Christians ought to do their best to take some serious interest in what's happening in global politics, economics and cultures. For anyone who lives in an information-rich developed nation, there should be some rudimentary grasp of world affairs at least.
I understand if Christians are clueless about stuff happening around the world - but really, if we know we are ignorant, we can do two things...
a) we can start educating ourselves since if we profess to care about the world, it helps to put money where your mouth is and take some teensy first steps towards understanding how it REALLY works
b) we can stop shooting our mouth off like we know alot when we don't! nobody expects you to be a know-it-all. Its better to humbly admit we are not that well read in a certain world or societal issue instead of making our minuscle knowledge sound like a PHd Thesis.
I went to a service where I heard a pastor say quite benignly, "The Middle East is the product of Abraham's mistake with Hagar. All those problems we have there now - terrorists, Muslim fundamentalists, bombing - are all one man's mistake. So let's be careful in our lives....etc etc"
My dad - a non Christian - also told me how pissed off he was when he went to a church and heard some Christians chitter on about the Middle East being all violent because they were non-belivers. Before I became Christian, I remember being brought to a church where the minister declared the Kobe Earthquake killed off so many Japanese because they did not believe in Jesus. I was in my early teens - a bit of a navel-gazing ninny - and even then, I thought, "what the $*?#$????"
GAH! oh don't even get me started on listening to some Christians talk/write about poverty, homosexuality, economics etc. Don't pontificate when you don't know that much. A little knowledge is a dangerous thing.
The more we read about what serious academics - both secular and Christian - have to say , the less likely we are to offer quick-mix, instant-pour answers that offend anyone with some discernment. We become acutely aware of how big the issue is, and how much work there is to be done in human hearts, minds and hands. We see why God needs to convert the very nature of a Man, in order to stop the vicious cycles we see in our civilisations.
The kind of problems we have in the world today warrant some genuine attention and respectful study. No matter what station we have in life, we owe our fellow human beings basic respect of the depth of what they are going through. It is only proper and humble to do so. Nobody expects easy answers. Nobody expects us to be PhDs. But definitely, few can tolerate a PhD wannabe with a Big Fat Know-It-All Answer. Least of all, the people going through the difficult issues - the poor, the homosexuals, the AIDS victims, the divorcees, the states struggling with terrorism or the victims of natural and man-made disasters.
k. getting off soap box now.
Monday, July 17, 2006
Kids say the darndest things...
had the funniest conversation with this 2 year old girl last night - who is REMARKABLY articulate for her age. I love talking to kids. They can make the most rubbish of topics sound cool. Best of all, they have not started to develop any form of self-censorship, layers or impressive airs. Its just therapeutic and pretty relaxing talking to them....you need almost no effort to engage or draw them out. They are just dying to talk.
Exchange one:
Kid: Yesterday I go zoo.
Me: REALLY?! I love the zoo. What did you see there?
Kid: Monkey.
Me: What did monkey do?
Kid: He fall down. He say ooh ooh ah ah.
Me: Wow. DId you see birds?
Kid: Ya.
Me: and what sound did bird make?
Kid: Ooh ooh ah ah.
Me: That's the monkey sound lah. Birds sound like this.
(I start to make ah-beng chirping sounds from side of mouth. Kid stares in astonishment)
Me: (in conspiratorial whisper) Shhh. Don't tell anyone. I am a bird. Do you believe I am a bird?
(Kid nods and stares in wonder, grinning like mad)
Me: I am not a human. I am (pause for dramatic stage whisper) BIG BIRD. GASP! you believe?
Kid: Ya.
Exchange two:
Me: So what school do you go to?
KId: Yakult School.
Me: Yakult school? You mean they give you Yakult to drink there?
Kid: (nods happily)
Me: Wow. you are lucky. You really like yakult huh.....Do yoooooou like Yakult better than......hamsters?
Kid: Ya.
Me: Shall I give you a Yakult...or a RABBIT?
Kid: Yakult.
Me: Yakult.....or ELEPHANT?
Kid: Yakult
Me: Yakult.....or GIRAFFE?
Kid Yakult
Me: Yakult or......CAT?
Kid: Yakult
Me: Is there ANYTHING you possibly want more than Yakult?
Kid: (thinks seriously for a while) Sugar.
heh. the sugar industry has successfully indoctrinated this kid. What is it about yakult that obsesses every kid?
Exchange one:
Kid: Yesterday I go zoo.
Me: REALLY?! I love the zoo. What did you see there?
Kid: Monkey.
Me: What did monkey do?
Kid: He fall down. He say ooh ooh ah ah.
Me: Wow. DId you see birds?
Kid: Ya.
Me: and what sound did bird make?
Kid: Ooh ooh ah ah.
Me: That's the monkey sound lah. Birds sound like this.
(I start to make ah-beng chirping sounds from side of mouth. Kid stares in astonishment)
Me: (in conspiratorial whisper) Shhh. Don't tell anyone. I am a bird. Do you believe I am a bird?
(Kid nods and stares in wonder, grinning like mad)
Me: I am not a human. I am (pause for dramatic stage whisper) BIG BIRD. GASP! you believe?
Kid: Ya.
Exchange two:
Me: So what school do you go to?
KId: Yakult School.
Me: Yakult school? You mean they give you Yakult to drink there?
Kid: (nods happily)
Me: Wow. you are lucky. You really like yakult huh.....Do yoooooou like Yakult better than......hamsters?
Kid: Ya.
Me: Shall I give you a Yakult...or a RABBIT?
Kid: Yakult.
Me: Yakult.....or ELEPHANT?
Kid: Yakult
Me: Yakult.....or GIRAFFE?
Kid Yakult
Me: Yakult or......CAT?
Kid: Yakult
Me: Is there ANYTHING you possibly want more than Yakult?
Kid: (thinks seriously for a while) Sugar.
heh. the sugar industry has successfully indoctrinated this kid. What is it about yakult that obsesses every kid?
Sunday, July 16, 2006
where were you in 1984?
I was in front of the computer screen and television a lot. :)
Just did a random cut and paste up job from google images based on the theme "STUFF I WATCHED/PLAYED IN THE 80S/90S".
how many do you recognise? :)
Just did a random cut and paste up job from google images based on the theme "STUFF I WATCHED/PLAYED IN THE 80S/90S".
how many do you recognise? :)
Wednesday, July 12, 2006
a house divided
Talking to a few people about their Bad Moments and Experiences with some local churches/cell groups made me reflect on my own feelings about the matter.
Sometimes the stories are horrible. It makes you stop and say, "How could a Christian say that to you?!" You know, the kind who would tell you at your beloved grandfather's funeral that it was your lack of faith that caused him to die painfully.
Although Christians have been changed by Jesus' love, all of us are very much works in progress. Becoming a Christian is really about a first step of admitting we need God. Christians then spend their entire lives letting God in to rework their inner heart, to substitute all the rotteness within for something more beautiful.
We need God's wisdom to illuminate how badly we need Him to reshape our ethics, our choices and our lives.
...Which is why realistically speaking, Church can still sometimes be a depressing place. Christians can still sometimes be depressing to hang out with. We are all not made perfect yet and only will be when He returns.
I am sure I must have depressed someone out there. By neglect, by compacency or by conscious avoidance.
Pride teaches us to cocoon ourselves in the lovely warmth of self-righteousness. There is this incessant -sinful- need to prove ourselves better, cleverer, more generous than another.
I am at my worst behaviour when I get so wrapped up in my own needs and agendas that I block off all desire to empathise. There are seasons where I consciously distance myself and wallow, and refuse to think outside of my own self.
Every year I learn more about how sophisticated and tough Love is. I am taught again and again why Love takes a lifetime to learn.
Its not something we learn by theory or mugging a bunch of verses. We only see how incredibly difficult Love is when we attempt to apply it consistently and realise how intrinsically inconsistent we are.
We are so rotten in places we have never conceived.
When I was not a christian, I did think of myself fairly highly - nice, generous, good, kind etc. When I became a christian, all those pretty lies were shattered by God's standards of holiness. Of course, God is the ultimate expression of Love - after He shatters your lies with the Truth, He proceeds to build you up, this time on firmer foundations.
The Christian walk is about God moving within us, lighting up the dark twists and turns of our very souls, showing us evil where we never thought could exist. No Christian can say with a straight face that he is a good person - God inspires us to recognise how bad we are and how much we need to be good.
If I had one wish about the Church, I wish I could help make Church a safer place for people to be honest about their badness. I wish I could take away that idea that in Church, you must put up a front of "I am good", "Everything is fine", "I got it going right."
I do wear that front at times because it seems so much easier and safer too. Its safe because when you feel like you are screwing up your life and feeling lousy about your sinful behaviour, I find it hard to trust that another party will listen without prejudice.
At times, I find it difficult to believe I will not be judged. So you keep things within. You don't share or talk until you sorted everything out. 'Cos you don't want to even let yourself be slighted by some guy offering you his Big Fat Thesis about Why You are Wrong and Do Not Realise It, and Let Me Tell You Why I am Right. It's incredibly painful to listen to because it is so unhelpful.
You just wanna say: Look, pal, God has already done a pretty good job showing me exactly what a rotter I am. That's not your job okay? Just let Him be my Judge. You just keep encouraging me on to turn back to Him.
Its not that I don't want people to tell me what I am doing wrong. Its that its not what I need at that time to drive me towards goodness, repentance and God. I just need a reminder that God is there, God is just and God is good. That reminder is enough to make me want to repent and try to change.
I just need grace. I need love. I need a friend.
Not a sermon. Nor an apologetic. Nor a judgment.
And its awful, depressing and sad to feel that way sometimes among Christians.
If you cannot confess your sins and wrongs in Church, where else can you go?
Putting the argument to myself - what have I done that makes it safe for others to talk to me about their own wrongs? How do I make my presence, my cell group a safe place for confession? A safe place to unload a burden?
Church should be a safe place for bad people to come home.
Maybe that just means listening without prejudice, being honest without being rude. Maybe it means not being too quick on the trigger with an easy answer. Maybe it just means being quiet, holding someone's hand, watching over them and just saying, "I don't really understand what you are going through. Help me understand. I want to help."
Maybe it just means knowing when to just be still and know that He is God. Together.
In the Book of Job, when Job experienced a horrible bout of suffering and crossed dangerously into the territory of questioning God, his four friends gave him 20 odd chapters of 'godly' sounding advice and pontification. The message was "Job, you are an IDIOT. you are UNGODLY. Repent."
I am always struck by the surprising turnaround when God appeared on the scene. God was greatly displeased with Job's talkative, Scripture thumping friends. I don't think God thought Job was pure and perfect in his response. God held Job into account for his presumption to question God. But its always humbling to remember God came down very hard on Job's unwitting friends for not supporting Job and judging him.
Sometimes it might be good to remember we could very well turn into one of those guys.
At least that's gonna be something I want to stick in my stubborn ass head anytime I feel the urge to sermonise someone in need.
Let God judge. It is not our place. It is not my place.
Sometimes the stories are horrible. It makes you stop and say, "How could a Christian say that to you?!" You know, the kind who would tell you at your beloved grandfather's funeral that it was your lack of faith that caused him to die painfully.
Although Christians have been changed by Jesus' love, all of us are very much works in progress. Becoming a Christian is really about a first step of admitting we need God. Christians then spend their entire lives letting God in to rework their inner heart, to substitute all the rotteness within for something more beautiful.
We need God's wisdom to illuminate how badly we need Him to reshape our ethics, our choices and our lives.
...Which is why realistically speaking, Church can still sometimes be a depressing place. Christians can still sometimes be depressing to hang out with. We are all not made perfect yet and only will be when He returns.
I am sure I must have depressed someone out there. By neglect, by compacency or by conscious avoidance.
Pride teaches us to cocoon ourselves in the lovely warmth of self-righteousness. There is this incessant -sinful- need to prove ourselves better, cleverer, more generous than another.
I am at my worst behaviour when I get so wrapped up in my own needs and agendas that I block off all desire to empathise. There are seasons where I consciously distance myself and wallow, and refuse to think outside of my own self.
Every year I learn more about how sophisticated and tough Love is. I am taught again and again why Love takes a lifetime to learn.
Its not something we learn by theory or mugging a bunch of verses. We only see how incredibly difficult Love is when we attempt to apply it consistently and realise how intrinsically inconsistent we are.
We are so rotten in places we have never conceived.
When I was not a christian, I did think of myself fairly highly - nice, generous, good, kind etc. When I became a christian, all those pretty lies were shattered by God's standards of holiness. Of course, God is the ultimate expression of Love - after He shatters your lies with the Truth, He proceeds to build you up, this time on firmer foundations.
The Christian walk is about God moving within us, lighting up the dark twists and turns of our very souls, showing us evil where we never thought could exist. No Christian can say with a straight face that he is a good person - God inspires us to recognise how bad we are and how much we need to be good.
If I had one wish about the Church, I wish I could help make Church a safer place for people to be honest about their badness. I wish I could take away that idea that in Church, you must put up a front of "I am good", "Everything is fine", "I got it going right."
I do wear that front at times because it seems so much easier and safer too. Its safe because when you feel like you are screwing up your life and feeling lousy about your sinful behaviour, I find it hard to trust that another party will listen without prejudice.
At times, I find it difficult to believe I will not be judged. So you keep things within. You don't share or talk until you sorted everything out. 'Cos you don't want to even let yourself be slighted by some guy offering you his Big Fat Thesis about Why You are Wrong and Do Not Realise It, and Let Me Tell You Why I am Right. It's incredibly painful to listen to because it is so unhelpful.
You just wanna say: Look, pal, God has already done a pretty good job showing me exactly what a rotter I am. That's not your job okay? Just let Him be my Judge. You just keep encouraging me on to turn back to Him.
Its not that I don't want people to tell me what I am doing wrong. Its that its not what I need at that time to drive me towards goodness, repentance and God. I just need a reminder that God is there, God is just and God is good. That reminder is enough to make me want to repent and try to change.
I just need grace. I need love. I need a friend.
Not a sermon. Nor an apologetic. Nor a judgment.
And its awful, depressing and sad to feel that way sometimes among Christians.
If you cannot confess your sins and wrongs in Church, where else can you go?
Putting the argument to myself - what have I done that makes it safe for others to talk to me about their own wrongs? How do I make my presence, my cell group a safe place for confession? A safe place to unload a burden?
Church should be a safe place for bad people to come home.
Maybe that just means listening without prejudice, being honest without being rude. Maybe it means not being too quick on the trigger with an easy answer. Maybe it just means being quiet, holding someone's hand, watching over them and just saying, "I don't really understand what you are going through. Help me understand. I want to help."
Maybe it just means knowing when to just be still and know that He is God. Together.
In the Book of Job, when Job experienced a horrible bout of suffering and crossed dangerously into the territory of questioning God, his four friends gave him 20 odd chapters of 'godly' sounding advice and pontification. The message was "Job, you are an IDIOT. you are UNGODLY. Repent."
I am always struck by the surprising turnaround when God appeared on the scene. God was greatly displeased with Job's talkative, Scripture thumping friends. I don't think God thought Job was pure and perfect in his response. God held Job into account for his presumption to question God. But its always humbling to remember God came down very hard on Job's unwitting friends for not supporting Job and judging him.
Sometimes it might be good to remember we could very well turn into one of those guys.
At least that's gonna be something I want to stick in my stubborn ass head anytime I feel the urge to sermonise someone in need.
Let God judge. It is not our place. It is not my place.
Monday, July 10, 2006
Bella Italia!
ITALY WON THE WORLD CUP! WHOO! :)
I admit I am not much of a soccer fan but I do love watching people watch soccer. Have always tried to make it a point to catch the final match for World Cup.
Avidly gaming to stay awake, at 2am I met up with L at the National Library to watch Italy go up against France on a BIGBIGBIG Sony sponsored screen. :) It was pretty cool - hundreds of Singaporeans were there (including many school age kids...me thinks there will be many absentees today on scholl registers). Hans stayed open all night and the library threw open its toilet doors. Best public screening EVER.
How fabulous was those final penalty kicks? Everybody was screaming away at the library. Couple of German tourists were waving a big German flag for kicks. :)
Me loves Italy even more after the match. I luuuuuurve Buffon. That's one hot goalkeeper. And i dont mean his looks, k. (Although tis quite true that I find the dark, swarthy Italian look much hotter than the blond Gaellic look - In fact, P and I were musing this afternoon about the merits of Luke Skywalker vs Han Solo, Legolas vs Aragon, Cyclops vs Wolvie - I always ended up picking the swarthier, darker eyed of the two. LOL.)
Poor Zidane. That headbutt will go down in football history. and he was so cool in the first half too. :_(
Meanwhile, whoohoo! Italy rocks! So looking forward to Italy trip part 2.
I admit I am not much of a soccer fan but I do love watching people watch soccer. Have always tried to make it a point to catch the final match for World Cup.
Avidly gaming to stay awake, at 2am I met up with L at the National Library to watch Italy go up against France on a BIGBIGBIG Sony sponsored screen. :) It was pretty cool - hundreds of Singaporeans were there (including many school age kids...me thinks there will be many absentees today on scholl registers). Hans stayed open all night and the library threw open its toilet doors. Best public screening EVER.
How fabulous was those final penalty kicks? Everybody was screaming away at the library. Couple of German tourists were waving a big German flag for kicks. :)
Me loves Italy even more after the match. I luuuuuurve Buffon. That's one hot goalkeeper. And i dont mean his looks, k. (Although tis quite true that I find the dark, swarthy Italian look much hotter than the blond Gaellic look - In fact, P and I were musing this afternoon about the merits of Luke Skywalker vs Han Solo, Legolas vs Aragon, Cyclops vs Wolvie - I always ended up picking the swarthier, darker eyed of the two. LOL.)
Poor Zidane. That headbutt will go down in football history. and he was so cool in the first half too. :_(
Meanwhile, whoohoo! Italy rocks! So looking forward to Italy trip part 2.
Thursday, July 06, 2006
And now for a cute break...
Am lazy to find photos to load into flickr. But I think blog is in bad need of a cute picture break. Thought I should blog first cute (non fluffy animal) pic I could find in archives. AND well....who can say no to a cutie wutie coochie coo like Baby Naylor? :)
awwwwwww....me likes the little heartbreaker.
Babies are God's way of telling us He doesn't think we are that screwed up yet. Apparently its still worth it to keep that human baby factory going. :)
Cutie Cutie cUTIE! Pinch yer chubby cheeks then you know!
awwwwwww....me likes the little heartbreaker.
Babies are God's way of telling us He doesn't think we are that screwed up yet. Apparently its still worth it to keep that human baby factory going. :)
Cutie Cutie cUTIE! Pinch yer chubby cheeks then you know!
Wednesday, July 05, 2006
Hard lessons
TissueAunty's saga has taken on a new twist. I got a call from her son saying they had trouble paying the rent and they were going to get evicted if they did not pay by 7pm that night. I thought if I could speak to the housing agent directly I could find out more about the situation and reason it out.
It turns out the agent herself sympathised with the family but the owner of the flat was quite no-nonsense and unsympathetic because in her view, the TissueFamily (TF) was nothing but trouble - messy, late in their payments and unreliable in their word. They had apparently promised to pay by a certain time but kept delaying and delaying and hence had broken trust with the owner. The rent and PUB bill for the month was up and that was that.
I offered to bail the family out by paying the rent first. The TF was grateful and I made them promise to pay the PUB bill at least on the alloted date. I stressed to them how they could not give the landlord any reason to mistrust them anymore. TF repeated that they would be getting their pay on that day and could definitely pay.
So anyhow, today was the alloted date. TF had actually called me in the day quite happily telling me they got their salary and were going to pay. But at 9pm, I got a distraught call from the harrassed agent wailing that she did not want to take charge of their account anymore because TF kept delaying the appointed time to meet and deliver the money. She was frustrated and fed up with being the middle man between an unreliable tenant and an unreasonable landlord. I think she was appealing to me once more to take up the bill.
I admit - I feel really frustrated and irritated now with the TF - I don't like the thought that now that I am involved, I cannot ignore their plight. I have to help them as my neighbour. But how do I do this for the long haul? I find myself thinking the same thoughts as the agent - What if next month and the month after that is the same thing? I cant keep bailing them out, I cant keep paying their rent for them. That cant be the solution - can it?
Her problems have now become my problems. The agent now has me on speed dial. And I had to talk with nasty landlord as well. I am officially INVOLVED. ha. Precisely what I asked God for - great. Now what?
Beyond the idealistic fervour of prayer after moving sermons about "love your neighbour", when given a chance to do so and having to confront that said neighbour may not consistently uplifting and fun to love - what do we do? what would Jesus do?
I am trying to give them the benefit of the doubt that something happened and thus they have not been able to meet the agent. But I am sorely tempted with the thought of getting angry at them, bailing out, telling them I cannot do this any more, drawing the boundaries etc. But I am haunted by a constant question - is it right? I know it is practical...but is it right? is it right? is it God's way or mine? What's wrong with the picture? Is it me? I am shocked too by my own anger, impatience and irritation - it is there, at the edges, waiting. If I dont figure out the godly answer to this little conundrum, I am gonna breed some self-righteous hullabooloo within.
This whole 'get-personally-involved-with-the-poor' mission I have taken on is really teaching me some super hard lessons in the cost of grace and hands-on love thy neighbour. Making me solidify my theories. So so so so much harder when you apply ideals to real life!
Its a real education - a regular PhD in theology of sorts! ha.
I have to confront some awful truths about my own attachment to money and my own ideas about personal responsibility and fairness.
Am more and more aware I can never deceive myself that I am "nice". NO, I am certainly not "nice" - I have many more lessons to learn about
true humility, integrity and patience. I am sure there is something I must learn and change - but what?
I dont have my thoughts straight yet. But off the cuff - yeah, it is damnably frustrating. MIssionaries to the poor have my greatest respect.
Gonna read a new book I got about missions to the poor - hopefully it is less airy fairy theory and more on practical application. Post more when I sort out my thoughts.
Meanwhile....ARGH! >:( and GAH!
It turns out the agent herself sympathised with the family but the owner of the flat was quite no-nonsense and unsympathetic because in her view, the TissueFamily (TF) was nothing but trouble - messy, late in their payments and unreliable in their word. They had apparently promised to pay by a certain time but kept delaying and delaying and hence had broken trust with the owner. The rent and PUB bill for the month was up and that was that.
I offered to bail the family out by paying the rent first. The TF was grateful and I made them promise to pay the PUB bill at least on the alloted date. I stressed to them how they could not give the landlord any reason to mistrust them anymore. TF repeated that they would be getting their pay on that day and could definitely pay.
So anyhow, today was the alloted date. TF had actually called me in the day quite happily telling me they got their salary and were going to pay. But at 9pm, I got a distraught call from the harrassed agent wailing that she did not want to take charge of their account anymore because TF kept delaying the appointed time to meet and deliver the money. She was frustrated and fed up with being the middle man between an unreliable tenant and an unreasonable landlord. I think she was appealing to me once more to take up the bill.
I admit - I feel really frustrated and irritated now with the TF - I don't like the thought that now that I am involved, I cannot ignore their plight. I have to help them as my neighbour. But how do I do this for the long haul? I find myself thinking the same thoughts as the agent - What if next month and the month after that is the same thing? I cant keep bailing them out, I cant keep paying their rent for them. That cant be the solution - can it?
Her problems have now become my problems. The agent now has me on speed dial. And I had to talk with nasty landlord as well. I am officially INVOLVED. ha. Precisely what I asked God for - great. Now what?
Beyond the idealistic fervour of prayer after moving sermons about "love your neighbour", when given a chance to do so and having to confront that said neighbour may not consistently uplifting and fun to love - what do we do? what would Jesus do?
I am trying to give them the benefit of the doubt that something happened and thus they have not been able to meet the agent. But I am sorely tempted with the thought of getting angry at them, bailing out, telling them I cannot do this any more, drawing the boundaries etc. But I am haunted by a constant question - is it right? I know it is practical...but is it right? is it right? is it God's way or mine? What's wrong with the picture? Is it me? I am shocked too by my own anger, impatience and irritation - it is there, at the edges, waiting. If I dont figure out the godly answer to this little conundrum, I am gonna breed some self-righteous hullabooloo within.
This whole 'get-personally-involved-with-the-poor' mission I have taken on is really teaching me some super hard lessons in the cost of grace and hands-on love thy neighbour. Making me solidify my theories. So so so so much harder when you apply ideals to real life!
Its a real education - a regular PhD in theology of sorts! ha.
I have to confront some awful truths about my own attachment to money and my own ideas about personal responsibility and fairness.
Am more and more aware I can never deceive myself that I am "nice". NO, I am certainly not "nice" - I have many more lessons to learn about
true humility, integrity and patience. I am sure there is something I must learn and change - but what?
I dont have my thoughts straight yet. But off the cuff - yeah, it is damnably frustrating. MIssionaries to the poor have my greatest respect.
Gonna read a new book I got about missions to the poor - hopefully it is less airy fairy theory and more on practical application. Post more when I sort out my thoughts.
Meanwhile....ARGH! >:( and GAH!
Sunday, July 02, 2006
adultery exposed - a guy's take
i got an interesting forwarded email lately and have been musing about how many responses it got from guys who agreed with what it said. It offers a pretty interesting look at how men get seduced. AND it also deals with that age old debate among us ARPC gals about whether you should just settle for any "godly" guy or be more stringent. heh.
Any male (or female of course) blurkers wanna offer their take?
btw, am changing some of his comments to protect his identity. :)
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Here's a surprising fact I discovered - In the many divorce cases I have seen, the women responsible for breaking up marriages and families were not as physically attractive as the wives. I used to be a big fan of a marriage counseling book on the different needs of men and women but this threw the theories of that book out the window.
What I found was this. Men have two very deep, very primal emotional needs. Women who choose to meet these needs become irresistible to men. The needs are:
1) to feel happy with who they truly are when they are with a woman
2) to know that this woman is truly happy when she is with them.
But what usually happens after marriage?
The dude comes home after a hard day's work. The first words out of his wife's mouth are a torrent of complaints. And when it comes to Sunday morning, it usually gets worse. The wife is usually the first one up. She'll lovingly prepare breakfast, help pack the kid's stuff and all that.Then barge into the bedrooms of the rest of the family yelling at them that they're gonna be late for church. And after that the wife feels so frustrated and pissed off at why everyone else in the family is grumpier than her even though they got more sleep than she did.
To the dude, married life is a series of minor catastrophies. He is fighting fires day-by-day and he gets tired.
This, ladies, is a dangerous situation. But it's even more dangerous if there are issues that need to be worked out. If the wife is unhappy with the dude over his job, or his pay, or his hobby. And she regularly makes it known by complaining or nagging at him about it. And he gets even more tired.
'Better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife.' (Pro 21:9) "Better to live in a desert than with a quarrelsome and ill-tempered wife." (Pro 21:19)
When we dudes look at you and decide that we wanna have a dating/courtship relationship with you, we usually are looking out for red-flags, warning signs that tell us the future problems we're gonna have with you when we get married.
And if we actually propose to you, we do so knowing your problems and hang-ups. We look at them and say "Hey, I can live with them." And we foolishly shrug our shoulders and assume that you ladies look at our problems and hang-ups in the same way too, that if you agree to marry us you're cool with who we really are, warts and all.
That's why, sisters, nagging and complaining about us hits us so badly. It hits us at our core emotional need for acceptance. If the woman I love and choose to spend the rest of my life with is so dissatisfied with me, there must be something really wrong with me. How then can I be happy with being who I really am?
It's kinda like rejection from parents - if the people who brought me into this world think I'm lousy, I must be lousy.
And at this point, any woman who can meet our core needs is gonna affect us powerfully. Hey, it may not even grow to the point of adultery. But doesn't it offend your very sensibilities that it's another woman who makes your husband feel good about being himself, and not YOU?
And if this other woman is genuinely happy when she's with your husband, he's gonna look at her seriously. Even if he's still loyal to you, if he's gotta choose between spending time with you (and hearing you nag) or spending time with her (watching her smile and laugh) who do you think he's gonna choose?
And don't let the marriage vow deceive you into thinking you can get away with emotionally abusing your husband. I had to confront this woman who discovered that her husband, a serious believer, loving father and a husband with a heart of servanthood, fell in love with another woman. It was only his love for God and his children that kept him from actually committing adultery with her.
I had to be the one who told her "If you've been threatening him with divorce at every quarrel (from within the first 3 months of marriage) and constantly telling him how marrying him has totally ruined your future, your hopes, your dreams and your life, how do you think he's gonna feel about anyone who's happy when she's with him?"
I plead with you, don't ever let your marriage go there. Because you know after every quarrel he's wondering why he married you instead of her. He'll be wondering how much longer he can put up with this. And he's gonna be praying "God, deliver me from this marriage!"
Guys, please recognize the power of the two needs I mentioned. You need a woman who makes you happy to be who you really are. And who is truly happy when she's with you. This is the type of woman you WILL love as you love yourself.
On your side the responsibility is this: NEVER commit yourself to a woman who doesn't fulfill these needs, or even worse, is dragging you down in this two areas.
I don't care if she's a pastor, super-model or worship-leader, I don't care how many church meetings, prayer meetings or bible-studies she goes to each week, I don't care how much she's "improved" (God, that word makes me cringe to the very core of my being!) since you first got to know her.
If she makes you unhappy about being you, or you can't see regular evidence that she's happy when she's with you (and don't lie to yourself guys), leave her.
Now.
Because it may be that this woman is unable to fulfill your core needs because of who she is as a person. And if you put her in a position where she HAS to fulfill them even though she can't, you are not being fair to her, putting on her a burden she can't carry.
And if you meet a woman fulfills all these needs for you, recognize this: she's like water to a thirst you may never realized you had. So before you totally lose all ability for rational thought, get a couple of good brothers-in-Christ to check her out and look out for danger signs that you're most probably gonna miss, because you're too deeply in love.
And sisters, when you look for a husband, I plead with you, don't just look for a godly man. Seriously, they abound. Look for a man for whom you fulfill these needs just by being you.
Because if you can fulfill those needs, you WILL respect your husband, as God commands. Effortlessly. It takes genuine respect for who your husband truly is as a person to make him happy to be himself when he's with you. And to be happy when you're with him.
Junk the angmo-nised cookie cutter approach to relationships and marriage that you'll get by browsing the Christian bookshops. The books that get sold there make you believe that marriage is meant to be hard work, and you need to learn 5 love languages, 5 needs of men and women and go through one year of devotionals on becoming soul mates.
After all the experiences I've been through and all the relationships and marriages I've seen, I can honestly tell you from the depths of my heart, if you're not soul mates to begin with, you won't be even after going through all those books, seminars and message CDs.
Finally, brothers and sisters, spend lots of time in God's presence. Because through the blood of Christ he's given you a darn good reason to be happy with who you truly are as a person and he's overjoyed whenever you're with him. And when you get used to having those two needs met by God, you'll recognize it when you meet that special someone who'll meet those needs for you."
Any male (or female of course) blurkers wanna offer their take?
btw, am changing some of his comments to protect his identity. :)
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Here's a surprising fact I discovered - In the many divorce cases I have seen, the women responsible for breaking up marriages and families were not as physically attractive as the wives. I used to be a big fan of a marriage counseling book on the different needs of men and women but this threw the theories of that book out the window.
What I found was this. Men have two very deep, very primal emotional needs. Women who choose to meet these needs become irresistible to men. The needs are:
1) to feel happy with who they truly are when they are with a woman
2) to know that this woman is truly happy when she is with them.
But what usually happens after marriage?
The dude comes home after a hard day's work. The first words out of his wife's mouth are a torrent of complaints. And when it comes to Sunday morning, it usually gets worse. The wife is usually the first one up. She'll lovingly prepare breakfast, help pack the kid's stuff and all that.Then barge into the bedrooms of the rest of the family yelling at them that they're gonna be late for church. And after that the wife feels so frustrated and pissed off at why everyone else in the family is grumpier than her even though they got more sleep than she did.
To the dude, married life is a series of minor catastrophies. He is fighting fires day-by-day and he gets tired.
This, ladies, is a dangerous situation. But it's even more dangerous if there are issues that need to be worked out. If the wife is unhappy with the dude over his job, or his pay, or his hobby. And she regularly makes it known by complaining or nagging at him about it. And he gets even more tired.
'Better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife.' (Pro 21:9) "Better to live in a desert than with a quarrelsome and ill-tempered wife." (Pro 21:19)
When we dudes look at you and decide that we wanna have a dating/courtship relationship with you, we usually are looking out for red-flags, warning signs that tell us the future problems we're gonna have with you when we get married.
And if we actually propose to you, we do so knowing your problems and hang-ups. We look at them and say "Hey, I can live with them." And we foolishly shrug our shoulders and assume that you ladies look at our problems and hang-ups in the same way too, that if you agree to marry us you're cool with who we really are, warts and all.
That's why, sisters, nagging and complaining about us hits us so badly. It hits us at our core emotional need for acceptance. If the woman I love and choose to spend the rest of my life with is so dissatisfied with me, there must be something really wrong with me. How then can I be happy with being who I really am?
It's kinda like rejection from parents - if the people who brought me into this world think I'm lousy, I must be lousy.
And at this point, any woman who can meet our core needs is gonna affect us powerfully. Hey, it may not even grow to the point of adultery. But doesn't it offend your very sensibilities that it's another woman who makes your husband feel good about being himself, and not YOU?
And if this other woman is genuinely happy when she's with your husband, he's gonna look at her seriously. Even if he's still loyal to you, if he's gotta choose between spending time with you (and hearing you nag) or spending time with her (watching her smile and laugh) who do you think he's gonna choose?
And don't let the marriage vow deceive you into thinking you can get away with emotionally abusing your husband. I had to confront this woman who discovered that her husband, a serious believer, loving father and a husband with a heart of servanthood, fell in love with another woman. It was only his love for God and his children that kept him from actually committing adultery with her.
I had to be the one who told her "If you've been threatening him with divorce at every quarrel (from within the first 3 months of marriage) and constantly telling him how marrying him has totally ruined your future, your hopes, your dreams and your life, how do you think he's gonna feel about anyone who's happy when she's with him?"
I plead with you, don't ever let your marriage go there. Because you know after every quarrel he's wondering why he married you instead of her. He'll be wondering how much longer he can put up with this. And he's gonna be praying "God, deliver me from this marriage!"
Guys, please recognize the power of the two needs I mentioned. You need a woman who makes you happy to be who you really are. And who is truly happy when she's with you. This is the type of woman you WILL love as you love yourself.
On your side the responsibility is this: NEVER commit yourself to a woman who doesn't fulfill these needs, or even worse, is dragging you down in this two areas.
I don't care if she's a pastor, super-model or worship-leader, I don't care how many church meetings, prayer meetings or bible-studies she goes to each week, I don't care how much she's "improved" (God, that word makes me cringe to the very core of my being!) since you first got to know her.
If she makes you unhappy about being you, or you can't see regular evidence that she's happy when she's with you (and don't lie to yourself guys), leave her.
Now.
Because it may be that this woman is unable to fulfill your core needs because of who she is as a person. And if you put her in a position where she HAS to fulfill them even though she can't, you are not being fair to her, putting on her a burden she can't carry.
And if you meet a woman fulfills all these needs for you, recognize this: she's like water to a thirst you may never realized you had. So before you totally lose all ability for rational thought, get a couple of good brothers-in-Christ to check her out and look out for danger signs that you're most probably gonna miss, because you're too deeply in love.
And sisters, when you look for a husband, I plead with you, don't just look for a godly man. Seriously, they abound. Look for a man for whom you fulfill these needs just by being you.
Because if you can fulfill those needs, you WILL respect your husband, as God commands. Effortlessly. It takes genuine respect for who your husband truly is as a person to make him happy to be himself when he's with you. And to be happy when you're with him.
Junk the angmo-nised cookie cutter approach to relationships and marriage that you'll get by browsing the Christian bookshops. The books that get sold there make you believe that marriage is meant to be hard work, and you need to learn 5 love languages, 5 needs of men and women and go through one year of devotionals on becoming soul mates.
After all the experiences I've been through and all the relationships and marriages I've seen, I can honestly tell you from the depths of my heart, if you're not soul mates to begin with, you won't be even after going through all those books, seminars and message CDs.
Finally, brothers and sisters, spend lots of time in God's presence. Because through the blood of Christ he's given you a darn good reason to be happy with who you truly are as a person and he's overjoyed whenever you're with him. And when you get used to having those two needs met by God, you'll recognize it when you meet that special someone who'll meet those needs for you."
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