a house divided

twins
Originally uploaded by neonangel.

Talking to a few people about their Bad Moments and Experiences with some local churches/cell groups made me reflect on my own feelings about the matter.

Sometimes the stories are horrible. It makes you stop and say, "How could a Christian say that to you?!" You know, the kind who would tell you at your beloved grandfather's funeral that it was your lack of faith that caused him to die painfully.

Although Christians have been changed by Jesus' love, all of us are very much works in progress. Becoming a Christian is really about a first step of admitting we need God. Christians then spend their entire lives letting God in to rework their inner heart, to substitute all the rotteness within for something more beautiful.

We need God's wisdom to illuminate how badly we need Him to reshape our ethics, our choices and our lives.

...Which is why realistically speaking, Church can still sometimes be a depressing place. Christians can still sometimes be depressing to hang out with. We are all not made perfect yet and only will be when He returns.

I am sure I must have depressed someone out there. By neglect, by compacency or by conscious avoidance.

Pride teaches us to cocoon ourselves in the lovely warmth of self-righteousness. There is this incessant -sinful- need to prove ourselves better, cleverer, more generous than another.

I am at my worst behaviour when I get so wrapped up in my own needs and agendas that I block off all desire to empathise. There are seasons where I consciously distance myself and wallow, and refuse to think outside of my own self.

Every year I learn more about how sophisticated and tough Love is. I am taught again and again why Love takes a lifetime to learn.

Its not something we learn by theory or mugging a bunch of verses. We only see how incredibly difficult Love is when we attempt to apply it consistently and realise how intrinsically inconsistent we are.

We are so rotten in places we have never conceived.

When I was not a christian, I did think of myself fairly highly - nice, generous, good, kind etc. When I became a christian, all those pretty lies were shattered by God's standards of holiness. Of course, God is the ultimate expression of Love - after He shatters your lies with the Truth, He proceeds to build you up, this time on firmer foundations.

The Christian walk is about God moving within us, lighting up the dark twists and turns of our very souls, showing us evil where we never thought could exist. No Christian can say with a straight face that he is a good person - God inspires us to recognise how bad we are and how much we need to be good.

If I had one wish about the Church, I wish I could help make Church a safer place for people to be honest about their badness. I wish I could take away that idea that in Church, you must put up a front of "I am good", "Everything is fine", "I got it going right."

I do wear that front at times because it seems so much easier and safer too. Its safe because when you feel like you are screwing up your life and feeling lousy about your sinful behaviour, I find it hard to trust that another party will listen without prejudice.

At times, I find it difficult to believe I will not be judged. So you keep things within. You don't share or talk until you sorted everything out. 'Cos you don't want to even let yourself be slighted by some guy offering you his Big Fat Thesis about Why You are Wrong and Do Not Realise It, and Let Me Tell You Why I am Right. It's incredibly painful to listen to because it is so unhelpful.

You just wanna say: Look, pal, God has already done a pretty good job showing me exactly what a rotter I am. That's not your job okay? Just let Him be my Judge. You just keep encouraging me on to turn back to Him.

Its not that I don't want people to tell me what I am doing wrong. Its that its not what I need at that time to drive me towards goodness, repentance and God. I just need a reminder that God is there, God is just and God is good. That reminder is enough to make me want to repent and try to change.

I just need grace. I need love. I need a friend.
Not a sermon. Nor an apologetic. Nor a judgment.

And its awful, depressing and sad to feel that way sometimes among Christians.

If you cannot confess your sins and wrongs in Church, where else can you go?

Putting the argument to myself - what have I done that makes it safe for others to talk to me about their own wrongs? How do I make my presence, my cell group a safe place for confession? A safe place to unload a burden?

Church should be a safe place for bad people to come home.

Maybe that just means listening without prejudice, being honest without being rude. Maybe it means not being too quick on the trigger with an easy answer. Maybe it just means being quiet, holding someone's hand, watching over them and just saying, "I don't really understand what you are going through. Help me understand. I want to help."

Maybe it just means knowing when to just be still and know that He is God. Together.

In the Book of Job, when Job experienced a horrible bout of suffering and crossed dangerously into the territory of questioning God, his four friends gave him 20 odd chapters of 'godly' sounding advice and pontification. The message was "Job, you are an IDIOT. you are UNGODLY. Repent."

I am always struck by the surprising turnaround when God appeared on the scene. God was greatly displeased with Job's talkative, Scripture thumping friends. I don't think God thought Job was pure and perfect in his response. God held Job into account for his presumption to question God. But its always humbling to remember God came down very hard on Job's unwitting friends for not supporting Job and judging him.

Sometimes it might be good to remember we could very well turn into one of those guys.

At least that's gonna be something I want to stick in my stubborn ass head anytime I feel the urge to sermonise someone in need.

Let God judge. It is not our place. It is not my place.