The Return of a Friend

me
Originally uploaded by neonangel.

Yesterday, though I least expected it - God healed me from a old but nagging wound in the heart. The healing of this 4 year old ache did not take more than a simple minute, over a cheap $3.50 lunch, with a simple sentence - that is the power and profundity of God. That is His mysterious, strange timing.

I have mourned the loss of a very good friend for 4 years - though I tried hard to forgive, to be the better person, to be godly, to be wise, to be strong, to move on and seemed to succeed, I remained incredibly pained by it. I could not understand how our friendship could have meant nothing after all we had been through. Though we still kept in amiable contact, spotted with a few meaningful conversations here and there, BestFriend was only 20% present. BF always felt really faraway, like a curtain had been drawn between us forever.

I resented the distance. I knew what was the right thing to do - Love God, Love my Neighbour with superhuman intensity beyond understanding - but it still caused me heartache to have to do it. By God's gracious ministry, I was not embittered by the pain. But I often ached at the thought of how long it was going to remain in me with all my other questions. Why did I have to keep being the one who reached out? Why should I care in a friendship where I was not sure I was being cared for right back?

"I have always noticed when you were sad and lonely. I am sorry for not being there when you needed me most." Some old hurt just slipped out of me, as if it was nothing more than a thin scarf to be pulled off in a tug. Can a sincere apology have that much power?

"You know what - you are still my best friend." I needed those words more than I knew. A small weight vanished from within , as if it had been nothing more than smoke.

Sitting there and staring at my old best friend talk to me with 100% presence back in full force, I was literally shell-shocked. I had gotten so used to operating at the level BF had set in those 4 years. Suddenly, our friendship was back in full force - the familiarity, the ease, the back and forth, the level of giving, the unsaid assurance of full trust in Christ under everything we said. It was a miracle from heaven. I never knew how little I expected this day to happen until it did.

"I can't believe it. It feels....like a new chapter. Almost like the end of ... a saga."

"I know."
_______________________________

At night, I started thinking of how strangely grateful I am that God allowed me to feel such depths of pain and sadness in the past 4 years. In allowing me to become brutally honest with my heart's suffering, I have grown year by year in my dependence on His wisdom and hence in my ability to empathise, in my desire to reach out, in my boldness to break out of fear that comes from Loving people His way.

Without understanding pain, I would never have understood joy. WIthout tasting turmoil and unrest, I would have never loved peace. Without teaching me loss, I would have never longed so hard to find.

Though the past 4 years had not changed my circumstances in any tangible sense, I knew in the intangible realm, I was soaring. I was growing. Every year was a year of genuine gratefulness, deeper joy, stranger peace - even though pain was always muted but present.

"Though i walk through valleys low, I will fear no evil.
By the waters, still my soul, my heart will trust in you."

'My Heart WIll Trust' from some old HIllsongs album was one of the songs that brought me through the worst of the 4 melancholy years. I love it because it recalls my favourite Psalm 23 - The Lord is my Shepherd.

The words of that Psalm may have been cross-stitched, wood-burnt, curliculed to death by a million ridiculous, cheesy Christian paraphenalia makers but nothing can dim the Truth of its message - in a fallen world, a valley of where the shadow of death looms over every little thing that we do, somehow He will help us find those quiet waters, those green pastures.

Even better, even subtler - By telling us He will comfort us with the rod of justice and the staff of love, He shows us He knows we are in mourning. The Lord does not deny we are in pain. He assures us that it is okay to feel sad, it is okay to mourn and feel hurt. We do not need to pretend it is easy to be godly or that we need to pretend to be happy all the time to be an example of mature Christianity.

In His timing, He will bring healing and peace into our fractured lives: first in profound but intrinsically incomplete forms on earth; later, more importantly in full completion as HIs Kingdom comes.
For a far better exposition on this, read Dr Larry Cobb's brilliant Inside Out. I think anyone who is looking for a honest breakthrough in their Christian maturity should give it a go - it deals very wisely with the truth of how foolish, thirsty Christians can come to grips with their long search for healing, and for inner and outer integrity. If you ever wanted to know how your ungodly ways can be changed through God, and are tired of easy answers from over-smiley christian writers who tire you out with their naivete, or sick of smarmy Pharisees who think change happens when youjust run the gamut of a million rules of Christian Living, this is a great, great Godly book. The packaging of the book may make you scream "Christian Psychobabble Self-Help!!!!! Ewwwww" but trust me, the book is worth getting over your prejudices.

Meanwhile.....Hallelujah and praise the God of the Impossible.

I have found my BestFriend again. : )

It's not a miracle on the Richter scale of the parting of the Red Sea, but it sure feels like a miracle to me.