the road is long

so outed in the blogosphere....mrkaif is tired, island is tired, rust is tired and now i add on to the tired-out-from-ministry-but-not-in-a-bad-way meme. :)

today, i had sent out a prayer SOS via SMS around lunchtime because I felt a wave of tiredness come over me as I was preparing for bible study in the National Library. Somewhere between thinking of ways to get people to open up about what they really felt about heaven, I just felt suddenly helpless and lonely in ministry. I sensed it was gonna be one of those "suddenly cry" from exhaustion moments. I had one before last year in church service which a few people witnessed (to my initial chagrin) even though I tried my best to escape via the back stairwell. God has a wierd sense of humour that's all i can say - try to escape and He just puts person after person in front of you to keep you from falling.

I knew a wave of misery was coming on because for the past week, I could see the symptoms starting in me - the feeling of loneliness in a crowd; paranoia about the sincerity and intentions of people; emptiness of feeling in the heart; snide judgementalism brewing in my mind. Stuffed it down as much as I could until today.

Occasionally I get hit by emotional exhaustion. In my work as a teacher and in my ministry, I try to maintain high levels of emotional and mental energy. In a small group setting, the teacher sets the overall tone and direction of the discussion and if the teacher lapses in energy level, the level of thoughtfulness in the classroom can plummet. I try to invest a lot of personal feeling into my church and non-church work as I feel when I am tempted to emotionally detach or become impersonal, I have failed in my role as a teacher and cell group leader, a relationship builder.

I doubt I will ever be exhausted enough to start to despise God, but I recognise that the temptation to despise people is far stronger. Sometimes I am tempted to think unkind thoughts about others in church. Like Island, sometimes I just wish more people could step up to serve, especially in areas where you are not that indispensable. Sometimes it can make you cold and resentful if you are not careful to guard your heart with God's truth and love. From the account of the Mary vs Martha tale, we know to serve actively with resentment in your heart is a terrible and saddening sight to Jesus.

Anyhow, thanks to the sweet messages of encouragement from various people on my SOS network and HKgal's affirming prayers, it was not hard to feel better and more motivated to stay on course.

Once you go out on a limb to live and love God's way, you have chosen a life which stakes all your heart, all your soul, all your mind and all your strength. No 2 ways about it. It is exhausting, daunting and seemingly discouraging at times but focusing on God's bigger picture, remembering his Kingdom will Come makes me go on.

Loneliness, exhaustion and resentment may attempt to snare me but they cannot for He makes my feet fleet as a deer. Tired as I may be, I find comfort that even mighty and beloved King David had his terrible moments of lonely, complain-worthy misery that He triumphed over simply by depending on God and remembering he had a responsibility to hold onto the truth of God rather than his complaints.

Psalm 142
A maskil of David. When he was in the cave. A prayer. [a]

    1 I cry aloud to the LORD;
       I lift up my voice to the LORD for mercy.

    2 I pour out my complaint before him;
       before him I tell my trouble.

    3 When my spirit grows faint within me,
       it is you who know my way.
       In the path where I walk
       men have hidden a snare for me.

    4 Look to my right and see;
       no one is concerned for me.
       I have no refuge;
       no one cares for my life.

    5 I cry to you, O LORD;
       I say, "You are my refuge,
       my portion in the land of the living."

    6 Listen to my cry,
       for I am in desperate need;
       rescue me from those who pursue me,
       for they are too strong for me.

    7 Set me free from my prison,
       that I may praise your name.
       Then the righteous will gather about me
       because of your goodness to me.

you said it, David, my man. It's all about praising His name.
Hang on fellow tired, marathon runners, we can do this. We just gotta pick each other up and move one step at a time, our eye on the finish line of His KIngdom.

tired now. eyes closing. Gotta go to bed now. :)