Pride and Providence

Last Sunday I had an amazing meeting with a youth welfare org. that I want to collaborate with for my Seed Of a Good Idea (SOGI). There were 3 of us at the meeting - strangers pretty much brought together by a stroke of providence and yet God's hand was clear in the perfect timing and coincidence of our future plans. I was struck too by how God was working and speaking in different ways in each of our lives. 3 individuals moved by God to help youth in a big way specifically this year for 3 different reasons. We ended the meeting with 3 prayers, entrusting our future plans into His hands and praying for His purposes to be manifest in them. If only all work meetings could end in prayer! :)

The invisible hand of God moved His 3 little chess pieces whether they knew or planned it. Thank goodness.... I would not have a clue how else it could have been done.

so.......

The following Monday was thus a strange one. I had a frustrating session with my O level group of students, trying to tease out from them feedback on what issues they were keen on, what methods were working etc. The blank wall of indifference was really daunting - I would urge again and again, "Guys, I cannot just plan lessons that don't work for you. YOU have to tell me what interests you, what would it take to get YOU keen on your education." They kept saying even if they said anything in school nothing changed anyway. They also claimed they were not interested in anything at all. When they say teenagers can frustrate the heck out of anyone, they are right. Teenagers have perfected the skill of assasination by silence or inane comments. I must have been just a sickening teenager to my parents.

Drawing a blank, I carried on with the lesson I planned. Then as usual one of them jokes, "this is so boring." It's his standard line that he says at every lesson I do and he has already warned me that he says it in every class to every teacher. Guy is in Normal Tech stream, in a class of what he deems as total rejects of the school.

Knowing all that, I still snapped. I threw my marker on the floor and went to the back of the class to get a drink. By the time I walked back to the board, I had suitably chastised myself and resumed proper Encouraging Teacher Vibes. Guilt made me SMS an apology and explanation to joking kid just in case he thought I was mad at him in particular.

Earlier in the day I had also found out the O level English results were out and I called up my ex-students to find out how they did. Overall, they got decent enough grades but I wondered if I could have helped them do better.

So that Monday night, I found myself doubting my ability to teach. Maybe I was just a big old fraud of an educator. I should have done this and this better. I should have handled such and such better. What was I doing even dreaming of going ahead with Seed of A Good Idea? What a farce! No wonder I was taking so long trying to draft out the plan....I was simply not the teacher I thought I was.

.....but realisation set in....

I put Hwee's "Fulfilled" on repeat so that I could hear something comforting. I prayed a bit. And I realised I never really did pray for my students. I never prayed for God to help me teach them well, I never prayed for Him to help me guard their hearts and minds. I assumed responsibility for my students in away that unconsciously left God out of the equation. It was as if I assumed I did not need His providence. Why was I so down about the results or reactions from my students? In a sense, I had no real control over my student's results or reactions in any real way.

I guess a major problem with teaching is you feel you have the power to personally shape and change the minds and hearts of your students. You can get so wrapped up in your position to change their lives that you start to imagine you have more responsibility over what happens to them than you think.

There is a grain of truth in all that - teachers have to ensure proper stewardship over their students. But the whole picture of the truth is that students have personal responsibility as well and more importantly......God is the absolute Ruler of this universe. I have to trust too in His reasons and His plans for the lives of those entrusted to me. My task is to carry out my duties with as much humbleness and integrity as I can muster.

Biggest lesson so far this week: depend on Him to provide. There is no place for too much Pride in the work that I do. The work that I do is a gift, a blessing from God.

This week, we learnt about how Jesus took 2 humble barley loaves and 5 pathetic little fish and fed 5000. All this despite the disciples disbelief, panic and doubt.

It comforts me - in my doubt, God will still move ahead with His magnificent plans to establish righteousness still. My "2 loaves, 5 fish" of a teaching talent....humble as it is....if I can lift it up to Heaven and give thanks for it and just use it in truth and love, perhaps by faith, God will make much much more of it than I ever dreamt.

That is my Hope and my desire. May God, a far greater Sheperd than I, provide and watch over my little flock of students.