A thing of Beauty is a joy forever

A perennial complaint among my girlfriends, christian and non-christian, is that men seem to be fixated on physical beauty more than any other asset in a woman. Women speak of that with resignation and a bit of fatalism.

Let's cut guys a little slack. To be fair, yes let's admit that women judge men also by physical beauty. I don't think that is right either. And women can be their own worst enemies, judging members of their own gender with bitchy flair.

However, back to the original issue, most guys admit there is something about the physical that grips them much more so than women.

Funnily enough, when I hear men past their 30s talk seriously about the woman they want, they earnestly name recurring intangible traits like faithfulness, trustworthiness...a woman who will be their shelter from the stormy demanding world outside, a woman who will be their support to fall back on in rough times. I do not doubt that men seek this.

So why don't they talk about women more in those terms rather in terms of sexiness or "chioh-ness"? Why don't more women witness men talking about women in terms of how good they are, how kind, how patient, how slow to anger, how quick to give? Why don't we hear more stories from men about how this girl made their heads turn because of her good character or lovely personality?

After all, If they did, women would feel more hopeful that character truly matters to a man more than looks. Women may feel less pressure to dress or look in a certain way and feel more encouraged to develop those traits of faithfulness, trustworthiness and strength that men ultimately want at crunch time.

How rare it is to find a woman today untouched by the demands of this world to look sexually attractive. All women and girls feel it from as early as 8...how perverse is it when the need to have clear skin, a taut torso, sleek thighs, wind-blown hair and bikini-worthy breasts overrides the need to grow an astute mind, generous heart and faithful soul?

I have always adored Amazon.com's Jeff Bezos for what he said about why he married the woman he did. He joked that he wanted a woman who could crack him out of a MIddle Eastern prison if he ever got thrown into one. Its a funny way of putting it, but I think he was saying he wanted a woman who was more than just a good looker.

A hot bod that turns you on may not sustain you as much as a whole lot of faith and love during bankruptcy, unemployment, wartime, sickness or the death of a child.

I wonder how many men actually realise the extent which women are taught to hate their bodies. Men may treat it as a laugh when women talk about hating how fat they look. But men dont have a clue that the hate some women feel towards their bodies can be a real visceral thing.

Grown women can cry in dressing rooms because of the sadness triggered from not being able to fit into a designated Small size any more. School girls can grab their own flesh and fat as cruelly as an abuser and wish with all their might for it to melt away. Flat chested, skinny girls are made to feel ashamed at having no breasts. I have sat in an eating disorder help group where young skeletal, hollow eyed women talk about hating themselves for wanting to eat. I know men who did nothing as their girlfriends vomitted after every meal because they did not think it was that big a deal.

I get sad thinking of how little the world understands about Beauty. I get angry when I hear a girl made to feel small and ugly thanks to some throwaway remark by guy or girl. I hate it that we don't do enough to make each other, man or woman, feel worthy, feel human and feel truly beautiful.

As a school girl, I felt ashamed of how little I looked like the typical Asian beauty. I despised my coat-hanger mannish shoulders, relatively big frame, big mouth and un-perky nose. I was and still am not a wispy, sweet looking Zhang Ziyi. Growing older in university had helped me make peace with that. I have learnt to enjoy the way I look.

Fashion and the common sense go some way in helping you to make the most of what you have I guess. But it's Knowing God that has helped me the most fundamentally in untangling the mystery of Beauty, especially what defines a woman's true Beauty.

It's in Proverbs 31's famour epilogue "The Wife of Noble Character"

"...She is clothed with strength and dignity;
she can laugh at the days to come.
She speaks with wisdom,
and faithful instruction is on her tongue.

...Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;
but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.
Give her the reward she has earned,
and let her works bring her praise at the city gate. "

I like that. :)

I want to be that woman who can laugh at the present and the future, dressing her aging body with the strength, dignity and wisdom that comes through a lifetime of service.

I think little is gained by arguing who is to blame for inculcating the false ideas of men and women. Playing the Blame Game is the best way of falling for the devil's trickery.

Instead, let women believe for themselves the God given Truth about what real Beauty is and pursue that even if the world laughs. Let men help women find that Truth through encouraging words and actions.