guy: Eh you want to eat cake? W just passed this to me. He got it for me while he was on holiday with a friend.
Me: Oh that's so sweet that he thought of you while he was overseas!
guy: Sweet? Wah lao, that's what you girls would say lah. We men don't need that kind of thing.
Me: So what did you meet up with him just now for?
guy: oh he wanted to pass it to me and just chit chat.
Me: Aw. That's nice of him. He wants to be your friend!
guy: Ah talktalktalk that's all you girls are interested in. Everything also wanna talk. We men just meet up, don't need to talk, just do things. Like that friend friend enough what. W must be gay lah. always want to Talk talktalk.eh how come you girls can be total strangers but meet up then can talk talk already?
Me: dunno. wired like dat lor. we like the company. anyway you guys will play basketball with strangers also what.
Guy: That's different. No talking involved. Just game.
Me: Then after game, if the stranger guy tries to start conversation or asks you to go out with the rest of them to eat dinner, will you go?
Guy: That depends. If I won the game, then yeah I will go. If I lost, no way.
Me: Hah?! This is why you men die earlier, right? You drive yourselves crazy. You guys are crazy.
(Note: No guys were harmed in the making of this blog. Also this conversation was totally tongue in cheek.)
Friday, December 16, 2005
Thursday, December 15, 2005
mambo revisited
Last week I had agreed to accompany these 2 kids to Zouk's infamous Mambo Night. They thought it would be good to get 'exposed to the happening things'. Ha. So standing in the uber long queue to get in, surrounded by gaggles of teenyboppers, I wondered if I had made a mistake. I was obviously in a whole other age bracket from the rest of the crowd. :)
People-watching at Mambo Night as an Old Fogey yields great fruit. Unlike a regular club with people my age, you can go really invisible here. Nobody wants to check out or chat up the Lao Aunty after all right?
Things to note:
#1: Many Mambogirls like to wear that hip-bone shearing, low-cut denim skirt as popularised by Mischa Barton of the O.C.
Team it with long straight hair and lashings of plastic beaded jewellery. A popular runner up look - the evergreen lowcut cami and low-slung jeans combo. Sure-fire combo to get people staring at you especially when one has drunk too much, passed out on Jiak Kim Street itself and Zao-geng for the whole world. Nice.
And SCENE - "SAndra! Do NOT Slide down on me! Get up. Come on STAND up!" Girl trying to hoist up friend who had slithered off a bench and onto the road, said-low slung jeans sliding dangerously half-down her bum. Her valiant friends
had to struggle with simultaneously hoisting her as well as her jeans back up the bench. She thanked them by throwing up. Friends loyally held her hair back and rubbed her back. Ah....undergraduate friendship! Those were the days.
#2: Mamboguys are a lot better dressed and dance way better than mamboguys from my era. Gelled up Japanese street hair is de rigeur, teamed with polo tee with collar turned up (preppie look), or t-shirt with some nutty graphic (street look). Adventurous ones added on a funky jacket.
#3: Mass Dance is in. Gone is the one-finger in the air, shake your booty like you just don't care male undergrad dance.
Apparently everybody has studied the same library of dance moves and do it together like some kind of Dance Dance Revolution or Para Para thing. And they do it with frightening intensity! You ain't seen nothing yet till you have seen the moves to Sqaure Rooms. The action for the chorus is reminiscent of the moves I used to make with my fingers for Itsy Bitsy Spider. Brrrr.
#4: Zouk is like the new Church for the kids. When Michael Jackson's Heal the World came on, this wierd hush came over the crowd, everyone sang in unison as if it was some great hymnal. They did it for Black Eyed Peas "Where Is The Love as well". It was kind of bizarre. I still hate the MJ song I realise - "There are people dying! If you care enough for the living, make a better world for you and for me!" Come on....Gah the sugariness! the empty goody-goody lyrics!
#5: They play some one-kind of bizarre songs - techno Dancing Queen anyone? GhostBusters?
Oh and they played Timmy Thomas 'Dying Inside to Hold You". Ten years has not been enough to kill my hate for that song. Gah!
All in all, had a pretty good time actually. But like the Old Fogey that I am, the nicest part was the post Mambo, go Geylang for cold soya bean drink bit.
"So would you go back again? Did you have fun?"
"Ya maybe. Did not recognise many of the songs. I don't get out much. Swakoo."
"It's ok, lah. Not important to fit in to the culture. You got a lot going for you already. It's fun, just go with a bunch of good friends you can trust but don't need to keep going back. Enjoy the fun parts but don't go looking for the darker side of it."
"Got darker side meh?"
"Ya....its stuff you only notice when you get older lah. It was all happening right in front of you but you were too busy looking at the ParaPara platform dancers."
"Ya you know like that horrijible Pussycats Dolls song? Dontcha wish ya girlfriend was HOT like me? Dontcha wish your girlfriend was WRONG like me? DONTCHA! All those girls trying too hard to be sexy to get the attention of the guys."
"Gross. Mmmm soya bean."
:)
People-watching at Mambo Night as an Old Fogey yields great fruit. Unlike a regular club with people my age, you can go really invisible here. Nobody wants to check out or chat up the Lao Aunty after all right?
Things to note:
#1: Many Mambogirls like to wear that hip-bone shearing, low-cut denim skirt as popularised by Mischa Barton of the O.C.
Team it with long straight hair and lashings of plastic beaded jewellery. A popular runner up look - the evergreen lowcut cami and low-slung jeans combo. Sure-fire combo to get people staring at you especially when one has drunk too much, passed out on Jiak Kim Street itself and Zao-geng for the whole world. Nice.
And SCENE - "SAndra! Do NOT Slide down on me! Get up. Come on STAND up!" Girl trying to hoist up friend who had slithered off a bench and onto the road, said-low slung jeans sliding dangerously half-down her bum. Her valiant friends
had to struggle with simultaneously hoisting her as well as her jeans back up the bench. She thanked them by throwing up. Friends loyally held her hair back and rubbed her back. Ah....undergraduate friendship! Those were the days.
#2: Mamboguys are a lot better dressed and dance way better than mamboguys from my era. Gelled up Japanese street hair is de rigeur, teamed with polo tee with collar turned up (preppie look), or t-shirt with some nutty graphic (street look). Adventurous ones added on a funky jacket.
#3: Mass Dance is in. Gone is the one-finger in the air, shake your booty like you just don't care male undergrad dance.
Apparently everybody has studied the same library of dance moves and do it together like some kind of Dance Dance Revolution or Para Para thing. And they do it with frightening intensity! You ain't seen nothing yet till you have seen the moves to Sqaure Rooms. The action for the chorus is reminiscent of the moves I used to make with my fingers for Itsy Bitsy Spider. Brrrr.
#4: Zouk is like the new Church for the kids. When Michael Jackson's Heal the World came on, this wierd hush came over the crowd, everyone sang in unison as if it was some great hymnal. They did it for Black Eyed Peas "Where Is The Love as well". It was kind of bizarre. I still hate the MJ song I realise - "There are people dying! If you care enough for the living, make a better world for you and for me!" Come on....Gah the sugariness! the empty goody-goody lyrics!
#5: They play some one-kind of bizarre songs - techno Dancing Queen anyone? GhostBusters?
Oh and they played Timmy Thomas 'Dying Inside to Hold You". Ten years has not been enough to kill my hate for that song. Gah!
All in all, had a pretty good time actually. But like the Old Fogey that I am, the nicest part was the post Mambo, go Geylang for cold soya bean drink bit.
"So would you go back again? Did you have fun?"
"Ya maybe. Did not recognise many of the songs. I don't get out much. Swakoo."
"It's ok, lah. Not important to fit in to the culture. You got a lot going for you already. It's fun, just go with a bunch of good friends you can trust but don't need to keep going back. Enjoy the fun parts but don't go looking for the darker side of it."
"Got darker side meh?"
"Ya....its stuff you only notice when you get older lah. It was all happening right in front of you but you were too busy looking at the ParaPara platform dancers."
"Ya you know like that horrijible Pussycats Dolls song? Dontcha wish ya girlfriend was HOT like me? Dontcha wish your girlfriend was WRONG like me? DONTCHA! All those girls trying too hard to be sexy to get the attention of the guys."
"Gross. Mmmm soya bean."
:)
Sunday, December 11, 2005
The Game of Life
Warning: meandering post
In between working on school proposals for 2006 and doing much copious gaming as a mind-reliever. Right now, am playing a Gestalt version Dungeons and Dragons (D&D) campaign with two of my ex-students. It's movie-worthy stuff: 3 clerics, each from a different faith, take on a dangerous fact-gathering mission in a Dark Tower to stop a war between the Living and the Dead. I built a (very cool) elven 6th level monk/6th level cleric, a Whirling Dervish from the Order of the Phoenix.
I often get polite smiles when I mention I am a gamer to people over the age of 20. The polite would good-heartedly show some interest. Less polite audiences would a) proclaim gaming was something they 'outgrew' (insert pompous look before shifting conversation to more 'adult' topics) b) laugh off with embarrassment for me c) ignore what I said. Hence, I pick my audiences for revealing my pet hobby.
Among some people, it seems more kosher for a girl approaching the big 30 to announce she is into shopping and fine dining than it is to announce you like occasionally roughing up a bunch of no-good orcs. Is it so unbelievable that a girl can get as much kick out of finding a cute cropped cardi as much as finding a non-existent +5 Cloak of Improved Invisibility?
Traditional table-top D&D gaming is more fun than its flashier computerised versions. Of course if you are a simple Hack & Slash type of Power Gamer, who only plays to rack up bajillions of points or for an ego rush of kicking some one else's ass, you would definitely disagree. If you love spontaneity , social aspect and creative story-telling, nothing beats good ol' table-top gaming.
The smartest game software written cannot replace the unpredictability from playing with real-life people, making choices for their characters based on existing values and ideas.
While I loved Neverwinter Nights and Tomb Raider, in computer gaming....
1) your character's ethical choices are not a real make or break factor.
2) victory is a pre-programmed, sure-thing thanks to the button "SAVE GAME" and the plethora of cheat codes
3) you don't get face-to-face, humour-to-humour, idea-to-idea interaction
4) you get less of a chance at building up real-time relationships from gaming relationships
vs. table-top D&D roleplaying where....
1) your character's ethical choices would really have a discernable consequence on the rest of your gaming team.
e.g. If you created a lawful good righteous paladin but thought there was nothing hypocritical about using him to torture enemies into confession or cheating on taxes, your little misdeeds would cause you to lose your faith and powers.
2) victory is a lot more open-ended and unsure where a lot depends on the rationality and wisdom of choices made by your team-mates. There is no "SAVE GAME" - death is death especially if your game master decides to rule out the availability of character resurrection. There are no cheat codes that you can download. You wanna cheat, it's up for debate among your team and your game master to approve and allow.
3) you get to know the inner quirks, beliefs and ideals of people thanks to their being put in outrageously, unreal situations.
Designed well, table-top gaming can be a smart, social game with in-built capabilities for challenging people about their pre-conceived notions and beliefs about Cause and Effect. An example of in-game conversations:
"Oy, Why your stupid barbarian go and chop off the man's head for? He already begged for mercy!"
"He got money what. KIll him then can take lor. His +5 longsword very nice."
"You supposed to play a GOOD character man! Some more your barbarian wisdom supposed to be high. Eh must think through your next decision ok..."
Occasionally I get bouts of wondering what is a Christian way to game. Or whether Christians should game in the first place.
I thought this article put it quite well.."What Game is the Devil's Game?"
http://www.geocities.com/christian_gamers_guild/chaplain/faga015.html
"Faith and Gaming: Devil's Game: The question is often asked as to whether there are any games Christians should not play. Series author M. Joseph Young names one that would surprise most people, and in so doing sheds some light on the question itself..."
Of course I don't believe D&D, Harry Potter, Buffy, golf, tennis, photography, pop music etc are without their pitfalls of course. Take gaming - I get exceedingly tempted to turn down invites to socials and talks because of the allure of a D&D game. When I start to prioritise chopping up virtual monster spiders and collecting virtual gold over talking to flesh and blood people, I know I need to stop. When I start wasting too much time, money and brain-space on gaming, I know I am in trouble.
Fpr myself, I actually think I am in far more danger when I watch a trashy Hollywood romance or read some rubbishy "chick-lit" than when I read Harry Potter or play D&D. I realised that when I was channel-surfing the other day and found myself watching the whole of America's Sweethearts. It was a total candy-floss of a movie where Julia Roberts ends up canoodling with John Cusack after losing 65 pounds and conditioning her hair. Catherine Zeta Jones also whines, pouts and purrs her way out of adultery and general brattish behaviour. My thoughts after the movie were a mix of "yeah yeah life is easy if you are as gorgeous as those two women", "I want that room" and "I wish I could find a guy like John Cusack".
They were frivolous passing thoughts but I was struck by how they registered so clearly in my head. I can objectively recognise the silliness of the thoughts but nevertheless they surface unasked for. And the thoughts speak to my personal doubts, chinks in my Christian armour. I am sure enough of Christ's work in me to not be stumbled totally but nevertheless, I would not want to tempt myself with a marathon trashy romance movie marathon if I can help it. Conversely, another person might be able to turn his brain off in the face of a romance movie, but finds himself thinking "I wish I really had magic powers. Life would be easy" when he plays D&D.
So should a Christian play D&D, go Zouk, play mahjong, watch RA movies? My layman understanding - We all face the same problem of Sin. But Different people have different strongholds or weak spot, different ways to go astray. We cannot ban everything for the sake of not stumbling another because it is near impossible. There is always something in this fallen world to stumble someone. Instead we really have to just tailor our responses and choices to every unique relationship, every unique context and always always go back to seeking God's Will.
If we think the most evil game in the world is Pokemon, Golf, Gin rummy, Monopoly, Harry Potter or D&D...we have failed to remember what the Game of Life is really about. There is a more real and terribly insiduous form of Evil out there. To simplistically equate the work of the devil with games and Harry Potter movies would show we don't really understand how terrible Real Evil is. If we make Evil into a straw man, we reduce the Christian fight into a simple list of "Do" and "Don't Do", "Do Read" and "Don't Read".
Evil looks a lot easier to understand and conquer when we reduce it to a bits and pieces of pop culture to avoid.
God and The Devil seem a lot less real and less intimidating when we cariacature them.
In between working on school proposals for 2006 and doing much copious gaming as a mind-reliever. Right now, am playing a Gestalt version Dungeons and Dragons (D&D) campaign with two of my ex-students. It's movie-worthy stuff: 3 clerics, each from a different faith, take on a dangerous fact-gathering mission in a Dark Tower to stop a war between the Living and the Dead. I built a (very cool) elven 6th level monk/6th level cleric, a Whirling Dervish from the Order of the Phoenix.
I often get polite smiles when I mention I am a gamer to people over the age of 20. The polite would good-heartedly show some interest. Less polite audiences would a) proclaim gaming was something they 'outgrew' (insert pompous look before shifting conversation to more 'adult' topics) b) laugh off with embarrassment for me c) ignore what I said. Hence, I pick my audiences for revealing my pet hobby.
Among some people, it seems more kosher for a girl approaching the big 30 to announce she is into shopping and fine dining than it is to announce you like occasionally roughing up a bunch of no-good orcs. Is it so unbelievable that a girl can get as much kick out of finding a cute cropped cardi as much as finding a non-existent +5 Cloak of Improved Invisibility?
Traditional table-top D&D gaming is more fun than its flashier computerised versions. Of course if you are a simple Hack & Slash type of Power Gamer, who only plays to rack up bajillions of points or for an ego rush of kicking some one else's ass, you would definitely disagree. If you love spontaneity , social aspect and creative story-telling, nothing beats good ol' table-top gaming.
The smartest game software written cannot replace the unpredictability from playing with real-life people, making choices for their characters based on existing values and ideas.
While I loved Neverwinter Nights and Tomb Raider, in computer gaming....
1) your character's ethical choices are not a real make or break factor.
2) victory is a pre-programmed, sure-thing thanks to the button "SAVE GAME" and the plethora of cheat codes
3) you don't get face-to-face, humour-to-humour, idea-to-idea interaction
4) you get less of a chance at building up real-time relationships from gaming relationships
vs. table-top D&D roleplaying where....
1) your character's ethical choices would really have a discernable consequence on the rest of your gaming team.
e.g. If you created a lawful good righteous paladin but thought there was nothing hypocritical about using him to torture enemies into confession or cheating on taxes, your little misdeeds would cause you to lose your faith and powers.
2) victory is a lot more open-ended and unsure where a lot depends on the rationality and wisdom of choices made by your team-mates. There is no "SAVE GAME" - death is death especially if your game master decides to rule out the availability of character resurrection. There are no cheat codes that you can download. You wanna cheat, it's up for debate among your team and your game master to approve and allow.
3) you get to know the inner quirks, beliefs and ideals of people thanks to their being put in outrageously, unreal situations.
Designed well, table-top gaming can be a smart, social game with in-built capabilities for challenging people about their pre-conceived notions and beliefs about Cause and Effect. An example of in-game conversations:
"Oy, Why your stupid barbarian go and chop off the man's head for? He already begged for mercy!"
"He got money what. KIll him then can take lor. His +5 longsword very nice."
"You supposed to play a GOOD character man! Some more your barbarian wisdom supposed to be high. Eh must think through your next decision ok..."
Occasionally I get bouts of wondering what is a Christian way to game. Or whether Christians should game in the first place.
I thought this article put it quite well.."What Game is the Devil's Game?"
http://www.geocities.com/christian_gamers_guild/chaplain/faga015.html
"Faith and Gaming: Devil's Game: The question is often asked as to whether there are any games Christians should not play. Series author M. Joseph Young names one that would surprise most people, and in so doing sheds some light on the question itself..."
Of course I don't believe D&D, Harry Potter, Buffy, golf, tennis, photography, pop music etc are without their pitfalls of course. Take gaming - I get exceedingly tempted to turn down invites to socials and talks because of the allure of a D&D game. When I start to prioritise chopping up virtual monster spiders and collecting virtual gold over talking to flesh and blood people, I know I need to stop. When I start wasting too much time, money and brain-space on gaming, I know I am in trouble.
Fpr myself, I actually think I am in far more danger when I watch a trashy Hollywood romance or read some rubbishy "chick-lit" than when I read Harry Potter or play D&D. I realised that when I was channel-surfing the other day and found myself watching the whole of America's Sweethearts. It was a total candy-floss of a movie where Julia Roberts ends up canoodling with John Cusack after losing 65 pounds and conditioning her hair. Catherine Zeta Jones also whines, pouts and purrs her way out of adultery and general brattish behaviour. My thoughts after the movie were a mix of "yeah yeah life is easy if you are as gorgeous as those two women", "I want that room" and "I wish I could find a guy like John Cusack".
They were frivolous passing thoughts but I was struck by how they registered so clearly in my head. I can objectively recognise the silliness of the thoughts but nevertheless they surface unasked for. And the thoughts speak to my personal doubts, chinks in my Christian armour. I am sure enough of Christ's work in me to not be stumbled totally but nevertheless, I would not want to tempt myself with a marathon trashy romance movie marathon if I can help it. Conversely, another person might be able to turn his brain off in the face of a romance movie, but finds himself thinking "I wish I really had magic powers. Life would be easy" when he plays D&D.
So should a Christian play D&D, go Zouk, play mahjong, watch RA movies? My layman understanding - We all face the same problem of Sin. But Different people have different strongholds or weak spot, different ways to go astray. We cannot ban everything for the sake of not stumbling another because it is near impossible. There is always something in this fallen world to stumble someone. Instead we really have to just tailor our responses and choices to every unique relationship, every unique context and always always go back to seeking God's Will.
If we think the most evil game in the world is Pokemon, Golf, Gin rummy, Monopoly, Harry Potter or D&D...we have failed to remember what the Game of Life is really about. There is a more real and terribly insiduous form of Evil out there. To simplistically equate the work of the devil with games and Harry Potter movies would show we don't really understand how terrible Real Evil is. If we make Evil into a straw man, we reduce the Christian fight into a simple list of "Do" and "Don't Do", "Do Read" and "Don't Read".
Evil looks a lot easier to understand and conquer when we reduce it to a bits and pieces of pop culture to avoid.
God and The Devil seem a lot less real and less intimidating when we cariacature them.
Tuesday, November 22, 2005
While a file uploads...
am stuck in an internet cafe while the rain is pouring outside. I have got two 2.7MB files to send out and yahoo mail is taking centuries to attach my files to the email. Oh the wonders of the Internet age. Takes me less than a minute to access my email but almost much more than that to get the mail sent out. grrr. At least the damage is minimum - $1.50 for 30 minutes of use. Cannot complain.
Shall write List while waiting....(love lists...another reason why I love High Fidelity)
4 Sites that I just surfed while waiting for Yahoo to do its work:
1) Bioware.com: To see progress on Neverwinter Nights 2.
2) my own school of thought mail server - which apparently is doing a much faster job uploading my fat files.
3) Rottentomatoes.com: to check out reviews for Harry Potter. Loved Goblet of Fire!That has to be the best cinematic dragon I have seen so far. Also, those kids are really really growing up fast. Those are man muscles on Harry and Ron..scary.
4) TuxedoDiplomat's recommendation: a nice little animation about love lost and gained again on
http://www.cube-creative.fr/site/html/nt/nt_lc/akoa_hd.html
Okay Down to my last minute of time before I have to pay more than $1.50. Logging off now like the miser that I am. :)
Shall write List while waiting....(love lists...another reason why I love High Fidelity)
4 Sites that I just surfed while waiting for Yahoo to do its work:
1) Bioware.com: To see progress on Neverwinter Nights 2.
2) my own school of thought mail server - which apparently is doing a much faster job uploading my fat files.
3) Rottentomatoes.com: to check out reviews for Harry Potter. Loved Goblet of Fire!That has to be the best cinematic dragon I have seen so far. Also, those kids are really really growing up fast. Those are man muscles on Harry and Ron..scary.
4) TuxedoDiplomat's recommendation: a nice little animation about love lost and gained again on
http://www.cube-creative.fr/site/html/nt/nt_lc/akoa_hd.html
Okay Down to my last minute of time before I have to pay more than $1.50. Logging off now like the miser that I am. :)
Sunday, November 13, 2005
back from the dead
i have not been blogging in a while because of exam boot camp with kids and sudden attraction to bed and trashy tv. After teaching, the last thing you want to face is more words.
Post LAN gaming with ZhangZiyi, I thought I would at least attempt an entry to jumpstart the blog again. So to make things simple, I thought I would just make a list of ...
5 would-be blog entries I might have written in the past month if I had the energy to
#1: Musings on the notorious BBC brain-sex quiz
(go take it if you have not! www.bbc.co.uk/science/humanbody/sex/)
- So apparently like most of the ARPC gals, I have a male-ish or androgynous brain
- I scored way above average (8/10) for ability to empathise through reading body language and way below average (4/10) for ability to systemise and compartmentalise. Now I understand even more why I am a dunce at planning and organising. Tables, graphs and charts send me shivers in a bad way.
- the "pick which face you are attracted to" test was mighty disturbing. Felt like was looking through mugshots. All the faces looked like potential psychopaths to me. I think I consistently picked 'only just prefer' as options.
#2: My love-affair with "SnowWhite", my little Nano
How cool is it to orchestrate your personal soundtrack to the movie of your life? Would you be a hero in a Hollywood popcorn summer flick or a gritty independent film? How the function 'SHUFFLE SONGS' becomes a fun way of playing roulette with your reality. A mundane bus-ride home can suddenly turn into an indie-worthy moment when the theme from Eternal Sunshine comes seeping through the earphones.
#3: How I am the world's crappiest liar
Apparently I just cannot keep a poker face when it comes to keeping significant secrets. I can lie perfectly well if its for the sake of keeping your surprise party a surprise. But if you ask me to be your secret-keeper for big, bad things....I won't divulge a word but my face apparently betrays everything. I have no future in espionage.
#4: The marathon of things I want to do in November-December, my mild panic at my ability to do them and God's answer via one crazy ex-insurance agent who has made himself my personal Cheerleader/PseudoManager. The man actually gets a kick out of writing To Do lists.
#5 The coolness of the Oestrogen Brigade
An ode to female friendships and the art of bonding over Re-Bonding. How an afternoon at the hair-salon with the gals can be a great reminder of why I will always want to be a girl and not a guy.
Post LAN gaming with ZhangZiyi, I thought I would at least attempt an entry to jumpstart the blog again. So to make things simple, I thought I would just make a list of ...
5 would-be blog entries I might have written in the past month if I had the energy to
#1: Musings on the notorious BBC brain-sex quiz
(go take it if you have not! www.bbc.co.uk/science/humanbody/sex/)
- So apparently like most of the ARPC gals, I have a male-ish or androgynous brain
- I scored way above average (8/10) for ability to empathise through reading body language and way below average (4/10) for ability to systemise and compartmentalise. Now I understand even more why I am a dunce at planning and organising. Tables, graphs and charts send me shivers in a bad way.
- the "pick which face you are attracted to" test was mighty disturbing. Felt like was looking through mugshots. All the faces looked like potential psychopaths to me. I think I consistently picked 'only just prefer' as options.
#2: My love-affair with "SnowWhite", my little Nano
How cool is it to orchestrate your personal soundtrack to the movie of your life? Would you be a hero in a Hollywood popcorn summer flick or a gritty independent film? How the function 'SHUFFLE SONGS' becomes a fun way of playing roulette with your reality. A mundane bus-ride home can suddenly turn into an indie-worthy moment when the theme from Eternal Sunshine comes seeping through the earphones.
#3: How I am the world's crappiest liar
Apparently I just cannot keep a poker face when it comes to keeping significant secrets. I can lie perfectly well if its for the sake of keeping your surprise party a surprise. But if you ask me to be your secret-keeper for big, bad things....I won't divulge a word but my face apparently betrays everything. I have no future in espionage.
#4: The marathon of things I want to do in November-December, my mild panic at my ability to do them and God's answer via one crazy ex-insurance agent who has made himself my personal Cheerleader/PseudoManager. The man actually gets a kick out of writing To Do lists.
#5 The coolness of the Oestrogen Brigade
An ode to female friendships and the art of bonding over Re-Bonding. How an afternoon at the hair-salon with the gals can be a great reminder of why I will always want to be a girl and not a guy.
Thursday, October 20, 2005
Boot Camp
talked and talked and talked for the whole of today. A level Boot Camp is no joke man. My day as a long running gabfest would look like this:
Don'tWriteAboutBigEvilMedia!
BalanceWithIdeaOfMediaAsPossibleInitiatorofSocioPoliticalChangeYa?
HeardoftheZapatistaRebels?ReformationandRenaissanceandGutenbergBible?
Glasnost?CensorshipIsNecessary.WhatAboutThatVoltaireGuy.
RememberGuyRightsCannotBeDivorcedFromResponsibility!
HowDoesMediaProgrammingTodayLinkToViolence?
Passivity?AgressiveTendencies?BeholdenToPoliticalAgendas?
IsTVCompletelyUseless?WestWingAsCleverCommentryOnAmericanForeignPolicy!
YouDon'tKnowWhatIsSesameStreet?WahLauBertandErnie?
YesBananaTradeWarIsGoodExampleofCorporatePressureOnMedia
OhDon'tForgetWatergateScandaletcetcetcetcetcetc..........
sometimes when I end the day I am just completely talked out. My words come out tongue twisted and garbled. Towards the end of the day, I start repeating my words to kids because I keep stumbling on my tongue. Its a fun job but honestly, sometimes I wonder how scary it is that they are taking down every single word I say.
I try to warn them jokingly,"Oy, I am making this up as I go along. Don't assume everything I say is grammatically correct!" I get mildly worried when they remind me I never completed one of my sentences. I have to remind them why I dropped the sentence half way was because the syntax got screwed up. They jot jot jot jot down everything any way and look all giggly when I tell them like some whacko Pai Mei-esque sensei,"Don't just COPY! Understand! See The Point! See The Link. Understand and Apply!" I need me some bushy white eyebrows.
It's so cute to look at them and remember what it was like to be 18 and panicky. I still get the rare recurring nightmare about A level Chinese exam paper that I failed to study for. haha.
Other things I tell them irreverently:
"Fail A levels neh mind. Can sell chicken rice. I tell you go find a nice old famous hawker who has ungrateful sons who don't want to study his art. Go bai him as shi fu. Then even if you have F for GP, you can still drive Mercedes and be in Makansutra."
"Don't do well for A level also still got hope. Look at David Gan, he is practically illiterate and he lives in the penthouse at Paterson Edge and sits on Versace furniture. Elim Chew, Jean Yip all these people, they don't have grades but they have guts. That makes the difference ok. Don't play play. Not doing well may end up being the best thing that happened to you."
"Aiyah, just do your best. I swear everything will work out some how. Can one. Any way, even if you don't do well, think about how amazingly fortunate you still are in Singapore - all the multiple opportunities. Sleep on the street also can depend on the policeman to pick you up and put you in a home for vagrants. You could have been born in Rwanda. If those guys can hope in something, you can too. A levels is SO not the end of the world."
But as we all can testify, at that age when an adult says things like that, you don't really believe them anyway. Some things just need perspective and the enlightenment of Been There Done That.
Ended day at 11pm drowning in blissful brainless trashiness of girly magazines, toasted sandwiches frm Hans, re-reading Revelation 21 and 22 and praying with a friend. Now working on design project. probably end at 3am.
But it was a busy but nice productive day.
And tiny flash of existential angst from night before has simmered down. Amazing what a night's sleep will do.
Now thinking : Little steps, little steps. God knows what He is doing. Don't fret too much about things beyond your control or understanding. Just overcome. Just stay true. Don't be cowardly. Just stay faithful.
In a little while, you say? Okay Boss. I believe ya.
Don'tWriteAboutBigEvilMedia!
BalanceWithIdeaOfMediaAsPossibleInitiatorofSocioPoliticalChangeYa?
HeardoftheZapatistaRebels?ReformationandRenaissanceandGutenbergBible?
Glasnost?CensorshipIsNecessary.WhatAboutThatVoltaireGuy.
RememberGuyRightsCannotBeDivorcedFromResponsibility!
HowDoesMediaProgrammingTodayLinkToViolence?
Passivity?AgressiveTendencies?BeholdenToPoliticalAgendas?
IsTVCompletelyUseless?WestWingAsCleverCommentryOnAmericanForeignPolicy!
YouDon'tKnowWhatIsSesameStreet?WahLauBertandErnie?
YesBananaTradeWarIsGoodExampleofCorporatePressureOnMedia
OhDon'tForgetWatergateScandaletcetcetcetcetcetc..........
sometimes when I end the day I am just completely talked out. My words come out tongue twisted and garbled. Towards the end of the day, I start repeating my words to kids because I keep stumbling on my tongue. Its a fun job but honestly, sometimes I wonder how scary it is that they are taking down every single word I say.
I try to warn them jokingly,"Oy, I am making this up as I go along. Don't assume everything I say is grammatically correct!" I get mildly worried when they remind me I never completed one of my sentences. I have to remind them why I dropped the sentence half way was because the syntax got screwed up. They jot jot jot jot down everything any way and look all giggly when I tell them like some whacko Pai Mei-esque sensei,"Don't just COPY! Understand! See The Point! See The Link. Understand and Apply!" I need me some bushy white eyebrows.
It's so cute to look at them and remember what it was like to be 18 and panicky. I still get the rare recurring nightmare about A level Chinese exam paper that I failed to study for. haha.
Other things I tell them irreverently:
"Fail A levels neh mind. Can sell chicken rice. I tell you go find a nice old famous hawker who has ungrateful sons who don't want to study his art. Go bai him as shi fu. Then even if you have F for GP, you can still drive Mercedes and be in Makansutra."
"Don't do well for A level also still got hope. Look at David Gan, he is practically illiterate and he lives in the penthouse at Paterson Edge and sits on Versace furniture. Elim Chew, Jean Yip all these people, they don't have grades but they have guts. That makes the difference ok. Don't play play. Not doing well may end up being the best thing that happened to you."
"Aiyah, just do your best. I swear everything will work out some how. Can one. Any way, even if you don't do well, think about how amazingly fortunate you still are in Singapore - all the multiple opportunities. Sleep on the street also can depend on the policeman to pick you up and put you in a home for vagrants. You could have been born in Rwanda. If those guys can hope in something, you can too. A levels is SO not the end of the world."
But as we all can testify, at that age when an adult says things like that, you don't really believe them anyway. Some things just need perspective and the enlightenment of Been There Done That.
Ended day at 11pm drowning in blissful brainless trashiness of girly magazines, toasted sandwiches frm Hans, re-reading Revelation 21 and 22 and praying with a friend. Now working on design project. probably end at 3am.
But it was a busy but nice productive day.
And tiny flash of existential angst from night before has simmered down. Amazing what a night's sleep will do.
Now thinking : Little steps, little steps. God knows what He is doing. Don't fret too much about things beyond your control or understanding. Just overcome. Just stay true. Don't be cowardly. Just stay faithful.
In a little while, you say? Okay Boss. I believe ya.
Wednesday, October 19, 2005
A LIttle Less Conversation. A Little More Action
...so sayeth Elvis the King.
Mildly depressed by thoughts in head: If the Kingdom Come is the most important hope of Christians, then why don't more of us behave as if it is? If we are supposed to hope for Christ to come back like the apostle John prayed at the end of the the Book of Revelation, then why do we act as if He is not real?
I don't know what's more depressing some times:
a) the lucky who have already seen the truth of Christ and yet remain unmoved, lukewarm or deliberately contrary.
b) the large numbers of people who have not seen the truth of Christ.
Its moments like this where you realise its all about faith, hope and love.
The greatest of which is love. No sense getting angsty or angry at people or at God. Just trust His plan and keep loving people and honouring the Truth.
Should my walk be just talk talk talk
Should my praise be yadayadayada
Should my worship be just blahblahblah
If I start acting like a KnowItAll Holier Than Thou jerk
Just kick me hard, ok?
I mean just KICK me.
'Cause that's gonna be nothing compared to the colossal Kingdom-sized kick in the ass I will get when Christ returns.
Wonder how God puts up with our jerky behaviour sometimes. No wonder they say Love is Patient.
Sigh.
If you are wondering, nobody was a jerk today to me. I was not a jerk to anyone today (but if I was please tell me, because I could have been blissfully ignorant). Just having a mild fling with Christian existentialist angst in between working at 2am on things that will all fade away. ha.
_______________________________________________________________________
U2's Yahweh lyrics to flavour a snotty, not so cheery blog
"Take these shoes
Click clacking down some dead end street
Take these shoes
And make them fit
Take this shirt
Polyester white trash made in nowhere
Take this shirt
And make it clean, clean
Take this soul
Stranded in some skin and bones
Take this soul
And make it sing...
...Take this city
A city should be shining on a hill
Take this city
If it be your will
What no man can own, no man can take
Take this heart
Take this heart
Take this heart
And make it break."
Mildly depressed by thoughts in head: If the Kingdom Come is the most important hope of Christians, then why don't more of us behave as if it is? If we are supposed to hope for Christ to come back like the apostle John prayed at the end of the the Book of Revelation, then why do we act as if He is not real?
I don't know what's more depressing some times:
a) the lucky who have already seen the truth of Christ and yet remain unmoved, lukewarm or deliberately contrary.
b) the large numbers of people who have not seen the truth of Christ.
Its moments like this where you realise its all about faith, hope and love.
The greatest of which is love. No sense getting angsty or angry at people or at God. Just trust His plan and keep loving people and honouring the Truth.
Should my walk be just talk talk talk
Should my praise be yadayadayada
Should my worship be just blahblahblah
If I start acting like a KnowItAll Holier Than Thou jerk
Just kick me hard, ok?
I mean just KICK me.
'Cause that's gonna be nothing compared to the colossal Kingdom-sized kick in the ass I will get when Christ returns.
Wonder how God puts up with our jerky behaviour sometimes. No wonder they say Love is Patient.
Sigh.
If you are wondering, nobody was a jerk today to me. I was not a jerk to anyone today (but if I was please tell me, because I could have been blissfully ignorant). Just having a mild fling with Christian existentialist angst in between working at 2am on things that will all fade away. ha.
_______________________________________________________________________
U2's Yahweh lyrics to flavour a snotty, not so cheery blog
"Take these shoes
Click clacking down some dead end street
Take these shoes
And make them fit
Take this shirt
Polyester white trash made in nowhere
Take this shirt
And make it clean, clean
Take this soul
Stranded in some skin and bones
Take this soul
And make it sing...
...Take this city
A city should be shining on a hill
Take this city
If it be your will
What no man can own, no man can take
Take this heart
Take this heart
Take this heart
And make it break."
Sunday, October 16, 2005
A Long-awaited Conversation: thoughts on friendship
In the gorgeous dark woodiness of Mezza9, I met L. for a long anticipated good conversation. Scrooge McDuck that I am, I normally shy away from expensive places. This time though, it seemed fitting to celebrate this moment properly.
After all, this conversation has been 4 years in the making. Heaven conspired to make it happen.
L has always been floating in my peripheral vision. We had been through a series of bizarre events together. Though there have been one or two attempts on both ends to get to know each other better as a consequence of bizarre events, no real friendship ever took root. We both were not ready for it. Our hearts were closed and the intentions too shallow, the fears too many to found anything solid on. Christ had not readied either of us for the moment yet.
Genuine friendship seems to require as much of a miracle as a genuine romantic relationship. Both parties need to be open, interested and willing to give it a go. I suppose next time, if I am ever tempted to think of why I have not been abundantly blessed in the romance department, I must give thanks for the extensive way I have been blessed in the friendship department. Real friends - encouraging, heart-to-heart, walk-me-through-Damascus friends - are true miracles as well.
Back to L : I have prayed for her to know God from time to time, always hoping that she would find Him in an unshakeable, healing way. I prayed sporadically, without any real expectations beyond a vague hope that something would change. God held more true than I did, thank goodness.
When I found out two weeks ago that God had dragged her into His Kingdom in a mighty big zap-from-the-sky way, I was literally dumbfounded. I sent her an SMS to gush out my congratulations and that led to many emotional SMS exchanges gushing about the amazing, fabulous, cunning, humourous, no holds barred God that we were now sharing at long last.
I love it when I can gush with a fellow believer about God - it makes me feel for the Paul-like ideal of Christian community. Paul was the original gusher - he really poured out his heart before the brethren he wrote to. Just check out the abandonment of his greetings, encouragements and grievings. I want to feel as passionately as he felt for the godliness of his fellow believers.
When L and I met today, we talked for three and a half hours straight - exchanging our salvation stories, summing up the past four years, musing through the life-changing revelations God led us to and urging each other on in our newfound desire to be humble and love our parents more meaningfully. "What's keeping you in your comfort zone?" she challenged me about my reluctance to be more consistent in relating to my mother. I was grateful for the fortrightness. She after all was taking a big step of her own with her mother. It gladdened me because she was the last person in the world whom I would expect to hear that from and want to be held accountable to. God has a great sense of timing and humour.
We talked about coming to realise that in Christianity, one's commitment to anyone and everyone was for life. Our relationships - friends, family, husbands to be - once committed to Christ, were meant to last through thick and thin, till His Kingdom Come. I think we are mistaken to believe that marriage is the only major, no-holds-barred commitment we can make in our lives. When Christ called us to be living sacrifices and be a Body to each other, I think He was that serious. Marriage just happens to be the most obvious, visible manifestation of sacrificial commitment. It does have the extra element of literal cleaving onto each other of course which makes it a unique commitment. But I think we need to seriously reconsider our unconscious devaluation of Christian relationships as lesser things compared to Christian marriages.
She handed me my birthday present. It was brilliant - throughly unexpected and genuine in its effort to find something I would want but never get for myself. I told her by SMS later that the conversation we shared and her present were one of the best birthday presents I had ever gotten in my life.
I was gladdened by our newfound friendship. I also thought about how I never had this chance to welcome somebody into God's fold before. It made me think I want to have more chances like this - where I can literally celebrate your turning point from "dead in sin" to "alive in Christ". We should celebrate this momentous occasion with great fanfare - after all the angels are rocking up a storm for us up in heaven as well! (Off tangent: I think we need to celebrate each other more in general. For instance, birthdays should be celebrated as rejoicing in your growing another year in Christ. We should not dread aging, disdain or brush aside birthdays as nothing. They are a momentous occasion for celebrating Christ's gift of life! We should not see it as a time to wheel out a perfunctory cake and card.)
730pm : It was a lovely conversation as we both hoped in our earlier SMSes. We searched for Christian books in Borders for a while and decided to part at the junction of Scotts and Orchard.
"Hey," I said, "Welcome to the kingdom." I gave her an embrace.
She returned it with the firmness that comes from sincerity.
She smiled and said,"We will keep talking." She later sent an SMS musing that she had a feeling we would be in each other's lives for a long time. I believe her.
We both left for home. I crossed a street. It glittered with rain, headlights and possibility.
God is good. His ways are high ways.
After all, this conversation has been 4 years in the making. Heaven conspired to make it happen.
L has always been floating in my peripheral vision. We had been through a series of bizarre events together. Though there have been one or two attempts on both ends to get to know each other better as a consequence of bizarre events, no real friendship ever took root. We both were not ready for it. Our hearts were closed and the intentions too shallow, the fears too many to found anything solid on. Christ had not readied either of us for the moment yet.
Genuine friendship seems to require as much of a miracle as a genuine romantic relationship. Both parties need to be open, interested and willing to give it a go. I suppose next time, if I am ever tempted to think of why I have not been abundantly blessed in the romance department, I must give thanks for the extensive way I have been blessed in the friendship department. Real friends - encouraging, heart-to-heart, walk-me-through-Damascus friends - are true miracles as well.
Back to L : I have prayed for her to know God from time to time, always hoping that she would find Him in an unshakeable, healing way. I prayed sporadically, without any real expectations beyond a vague hope that something would change. God held more true than I did, thank goodness.
When I found out two weeks ago that God had dragged her into His Kingdom in a mighty big zap-from-the-sky way, I was literally dumbfounded. I sent her an SMS to gush out my congratulations and that led to many emotional SMS exchanges gushing about the amazing, fabulous, cunning, humourous, no holds barred God that we were now sharing at long last.
I love it when I can gush with a fellow believer about God - it makes me feel for the Paul-like ideal of Christian community. Paul was the original gusher - he really poured out his heart before the brethren he wrote to. Just check out the abandonment of his greetings, encouragements and grievings. I want to feel as passionately as he felt for the godliness of his fellow believers.
When L and I met today, we talked for three and a half hours straight - exchanging our salvation stories, summing up the past four years, musing through the life-changing revelations God led us to and urging each other on in our newfound desire to be humble and love our parents more meaningfully. "What's keeping you in your comfort zone?" she challenged me about my reluctance to be more consistent in relating to my mother. I was grateful for the fortrightness. She after all was taking a big step of her own with her mother. It gladdened me because she was the last person in the world whom I would expect to hear that from and want to be held accountable to. God has a great sense of timing and humour.
We talked about coming to realise that in Christianity, one's commitment to anyone and everyone was for life. Our relationships - friends, family, husbands to be - once committed to Christ, were meant to last through thick and thin, till His Kingdom Come. I think we are mistaken to believe that marriage is the only major, no-holds-barred commitment we can make in our lives. When Christ called us to be living sacrifices and be a Body to each other, I think He was that serious. Marriage just happens to be the most obvious, visible manifestation of sacrificial commitment. It does have the extra element of literal cleaving onto each other of course which makes it a unique commitment. But I think we need to seriously reconsider our unconscious devaluation of Christian relationships as lesser things compared to Christian marriages.
She handed me my birthday present. It was brilliant - throughly unexpected and genuine in its effort to find something I would want but never get for myself. I told her by SMS later that the conversation we shared and her present were one of the best birthday presents I had ever gotten in my life.
I was gladdened by our newfound friendship. I also thought about how I never had this chance to welcome somebody into God's fold before. It made me think I want to have more chances like this - where I can literally celebrate your turning point from "dead in sin" to "alive in Christ". We should celebrate this momentous occasion with great fanfare - after all the angels are rocking up a storm for us up in heaven as well! (Off tangent: I think we need to celebrate each other more in general. For instance, birthdays should be celebrated as rejoicing in your growing another year in Christ. We should not dread aging, disdain or brush aside birthdays as nothing. They are a momentous occasion for celebrating Christ's gift of life! We should not see it as a time to wheel out a perfunctory cake and card.)
730pm : It was a lovely conversation as we both hoped in our earlier SMSes. We searched for Christian books in Borders for a while and decided to part at the junction of Scotts and Orchard.
"Hey," I said, "Welcome to the kingdom." I gave her an embrace.
She returned it with the firmness that comes from sincerity.
She smiled and said,"We will keep talking." She later sent an SMS musing that she had a feeling we would be in each other's lives for a long time. I believe her.
We both left for home. I crossed a street. It glittered with rain, headlights and possibility.
God is good. His ways are high ways.
Saturday, October 15, 2005
I Heart Les Miserables
For nostalgia's sake brought on by previous post.
The Epilogue rocks like nobody's business. So Revelation.
CHORUS
Do you hear the people sing
Lost in the valley of the night
It is the music of a people
Who are climbing to the light
For the wretched of the earth
There is a flame that never dies
Even the darkest night will end
And the sun will rise.
They will live again in freedom
In the garden of the Lord
They will walk behind the plough-share
They will put away the sword
The chain will be broken
And all men will have their reward!
Will you join in our crusade?
Who will be strong and stand with me?
Somewhere beyond the barricade
Is there a world you long to see?
Do you hear the people sing
Say, do you hear the distant drums?
It is the future that they bring
When tomorrow comes!
Will you join in our crusade?
Who will be strong and stand with me?
Somewhere beyond the barricade
Is there a world you long to see?
Do you hear the people sing
Say, do you hear the distant drums?
It is the future that they bring
When tomorrow comes!
Tomorrow comes!
Tomorrow comes!
[The curtain falls.]
The Epilogue rocks like nobody's business. So Revelation.
CHORUS
Do you hear the people sing
Lost in the valley of the night
It is the music of a people
Who are climbing to the light
For the wretched of the earth
There is a flame that never dies
Even the darkest night will end
And the sun will rise.
They will live again in freedom
In the garden of the Lord
They will walk behind the plough-share
They will put away the sword
The chain will be broken
And all men will have their reward!
Will you join in our crusade?
Who will be strong and stand with me?
Somewhere beyond the barricade
Is there a world you long to see?
Do you hear the people sing
Say, do you hear the distant drums?
It is the future that they bring
When tomorrow comes!
Will you join in our crusade?
Who will be strong and stand with me?
Somewhere beyond the barricade
Is there a world you long to see?
Do you hear the people sing
Say, do you hear the distant drums?
It is the future that they bring
When tomorrow comes!
Tomorrow comes!
Tomorrow comes!
[The curtain falls.]
Charming Schmarming
E.B.'s piece about the sleaziness of fairytale princes and Marx's musings about what modern day princes need to do to win princesses had me thinking too about where I got my ideas about romance and What Maketh a Real Prince from....so, here goes.
Age 4 - 7: Guy as One and Only Saviour. Ew.
I never liked the fairytale romance set-up. The Prince Charming archetype seemed as insipid and interesting as a Ken doll. I privately thought (overly precocious kid that I was) that Charming did not deserve such luck with the ladies of LaLa Land. Let's see: Charming had looks, money, a kingdom that dear King Papa gave to him. Snow White endured an abusive mother, was a great housekeeper to seven boys and was kind enough to inspire the huntsman to feel great guilt. Cinderella patiently put up with an abusive family and was a great housekeeper (coincidence?) and caretaker of little animals. Briar Rose aka Sleeping Beauty ummmm....had it pretty good, except for having parents that offended the Evil Witch Next Door. Bah. Charming Sucks.
Age 8 -10 Guy as Nice Symbolic Accessory. Eww.
The next Romance Typology I was exposed to was in Nancy Drew, Hardy Boys, 3 Investigators type books. I hated Ned Nickerson, Nancy's useless boyfriend who seemed useful only as a decoy or a conveniently-just-in-time rescuer. I always wanted her to date Frank Hardy, the more steady, intelligent and manly of the Hardy brothers. (Joe was just a frat boy. ewww. and the 3 Investigators were basically fun but asexual.)
Signs of alternative concepts to come : Came across the abridged version of Dickens' Tale of Two Cities and was kinda taken by how Sidney Carton secretly loved Lucie Manette so much that he took the place of her fiance in the guillotine to preserve her happiness. When he sees the guillotine and thinks "This is a far far better thing than I have ever done", I was like - whoooo, you the man. Also discovered Little Women series, got terribly charmed by the sweet old-fashioned and chaste take on marriage and courtship there. Alcott's Protestant values were all over the book. Loved Jo's clumsy little romance with Professor Behr best. But then again, every girl loves Jo.
Age 11 - 13 Guy as Sacrificial, Grown-up Partner. Mmm.
From that Sidney Carton thread, I went on being more inspired by the romances I saw in my Dragonlance fantasy novels and X-Men comics. These were written for older audiences, so this was my first exposure to more adult ideas on romance. The Dragonlance novels were written by Mormons so some Christian-like elements were insinuated into the character's romantic choices. I liked how Tanis Half-Elven had to learn through multiple losses to appreciate that his childhod infatuation for Laurana needed to grow up into a more enduring, steadfast love that could survive a dark, suffering world. I liked how Laurana was inspired to mature her own whiny crush on Tanis when she witnessed how the sacrificial patient bond between Riverwind and Goldmoon brought hope and faith into the land. I was moved by how the tortured knight Sturm Brightblade gave up a chance at romance with his soul mate so that he could meet his final destiny, to fight in faith and die heroically in a pivotal battle. All of them so noble, can die. My teenage heart goes truly gaga.
Age 14 - 19 The Possibility of No Guy. Woah.
I discovered Les Miserables as well as the longsuffering Eponine in Les MIserables and her soliloquy "On My Own", destined to be the classic torch-song of all single women of the world with secret crushes on unattainable men. :) I had no sympathies for Cosette (her unwitting rival) who got all she wanted with little effort. I developed great admiration for Jean Valjean - the single Christian martyr of a man who devoted his entire life to Loving others. I was really taken at the final scene when Valjean lies dying and he sees a ghostly vision of Eponine and Fantine, women devastated by earthly romances, calling him to find the rest he deserved in the Kingdom to a greater glory and a greater Love. Phwaor.
When you think about it - It is a mindblowing thing to witness as a young, non Christian. It was an extraordinary, inspirational alternative message to the usual 'Everybody Gets Married/Falls in Love/Escapes With Their Soulmate' ending of musicals like Sound of Music, Fiddler on the Roof, Phantom etc. The promise of a Bigger, Profound Love versus earthly romance was a tremendously moving concept.
Age 20 -28 Christ enters picture. Win Already lor.
My take on romance today? If I can find the great equation of Guy Who Loves God + Who Tries To Love Others + Who Incidentally Kinda Loves Me too, I think that's a pretty cool foundation for romance to start. No more. No less.
What would I totally go for? If I see the guy constantly thinking about God, looking out for needs to care for and people to reach out to, and if I see all that brings a genuine smile to his face, lightness to his step and infectious confidence and passion to his voice - whoo!!
Chocolates, flowers, charming demeanor, moonlit dates, witchkilling, dragonslaying kinda cute, maybe sweet, slightly gimmicky BUT eh, completely and utterly negotiable.
Postscript - writing this blog kinda makes me realise how impactful undercover-Christian books, film and television are. I never knew all that stuff shaped my thinking on romance so much. We need more Christian artists, musicians, writers and filmmakers out there to produce subtle, insightful cultural goods!
Age 4 - 7: Guy as One and Only Saviour. Ew.
I never liked the fairytale romance set-up. The Prince Charming archetype seemed as insipid and interesting as a Ken doll. I privately thought (overly precocious kid that I was) that Charming did not deserve such luck with the ladies of LaLa Land. Let's see: Charming had looks, money, a kingdom that dear King Papa gave to him. Snow White endured an abusive mother, was a great housekeeper to seven boys and was kind enough to inspire the huntsman to feel great guilt. Cinderella patiently put up with an abusive family and was a great housekeeper (coincidence?) and caretaker of little animals. Briar Rose aka Sleeping Beauty ummmm....had it pretty good, except for having parents that offended the Evil Witch Next Door. Bah. Charming Sucks.
Age 8 -10 Guy as Nice Symbolic Accessory. Eww.
The next Romance Typology I was exposed to was in Nancy Drew, Hardy Boys, 3 Investigators type books. I hated Ned Nickerson, Nancy's useless boyfriend who seemed useful only as a decoy or a conveniently-just-in-time rescuer. I always wanted her to date Frank Hardy, the more steady, intelligent and manly of the Hardy brothers. (Joe was just a frat boy. ewww. and the 3 Investigators were basically fun but asexual.)
Signs of alternative concepts to come : Came across the abridged version of Dickens' Tale of Two Cities and was kinda taken by how Sidney Carton secretly loved Lucie Manette so much that he took the place of her fiance in the guillotine to preserve her happiness. When he sees the guillotine and thinks "This is a far far better thing than I have ever done", I was like - whoooo, you the man. Also discovered Little Women series, got terribly charmed by the sweet old-fashioned and chaste take on marriage and courtship there. Alcott's Protestant values were all over the book. Loved Jo's clumsy little romance with Professor Behr best. But then again, every girl loves Jo.
Age 11 - 13 Guy as Sacrificial, Grown-up Partner. Mmm.
From that Sidney Carton thread, I went on being more inspired by the romances I saw in my Dragonlance fantasy novels and X-Men comics. These were written for older audiences, so this was my first exposure to more adult ideas on romance. The Dragonlance novels were written by Mormons so some Christian-like elements were insinuated into the character's romantic choices. I liked how Tanis Half-Elven had to learn through multiple losses to appreciate that his childhod infatuation for Laurana needed to grow up into a more enduring, steadfast love that could survive a dark, suffering world. I liked how Laurana was inspired to mature her own whiny crush on Tanis when she witnessed how the sacrificial patient bond between Riverwind and Goldmoon brought hope and faith into the land. I was moved by how the tortured knight Sturm Brightblade gave up a chance at romance with his soul mate so that he could meet his final destiny, to fight in faith and die heroically in a pivotal battle. All of them so noble, can die. My teenage heart goes truly gaga.
Age 14 - 19 The Possibility of No Guy. Woah.
I discovered Les Miserables as well as the longsuffering Eponine in Les MIserables and her soliloquy "On My Own", destined to be the classic torch-song of all single women of the world with secret crushes on unattainable men. :) I had no sympathies for Cosette (her unwitting rival) who got all she wanted with little effort. I developed great admiration for Jean Valjean - the single Christian martyr of a man who devoted his entire life to Loving others. I was really taken at the final scene when Valjean lies dying and he sees a ghostly vision of Eponine and Fantine, women devastated by earthly romances, calling him to find the rest he deserved in the Kingdom to a greater glory and a greater Love. Phwaor.
When you think about it - It is a mindblowing thing to witness as a young, non Christian. It was an extraordinary, inspirational alternative message to the usual 'Everybody Gets Married/Falls in Love/Escapes With Their Soulmate' ending of musicals like Sound of Music, Fiddler on the Roof, Phantom etc. The promise of a Bigger, Profound Love versus earthly romance was a tremendously moving concept.
Age 20 -28 Christ enters picture. Win Already lor.
My take on romance today? If I can find the great equation of Guy Who Loves God + Who Tries To Love Others + Who Incidentally Kinda Loves Me too, I think that's a pretty cool foundation for romance to start. No more. No less.
What would I totally go for? If I see the guy constantly thinking about God, looking out for needs to care for and people to reach out to, and if I see all that brings a genuine smile to his face, lightness to his step and infectious confidence and passion to his voice - whoo!!
Chocolates, flowers, charming demeanor, moonlit dates, witchkilling, dragonslaying kinda cute, maybe sweet, slightly gimmicky BUT eh, completely and utterly negotiable.
Postscript - writing this blog kinda makes me realise how impactful undercover-Christian books, film and television are. I never knew all that stuff shaped my thinking on romance so much. We need more Christian artists, musicians, writers and filmmakers out there to produce subtle, insightful cultural goods!
Sunday, October 09, 2005
thoughts on a 28th year of life
It has been a sweet birthday week - not a dramatic one - but one which I find particularly endearing. It has been a birthday week of small gatherings and gentle words, old friends and new ones, old hopes and new dreams, excited promises and godly encouragement. And so my birthday week comes to an end. It's near midnight, and I am wondering how I can capture what I am feeling and thinking in words. What have I learnt by 28? Have I aged with grace? Am I happy? Do I like where I am going?
I love growing old. I like watching myself change internally and externally with the passage of time. I love the taste of being another year wiser and I love knowing how it is God who has made all the difference.
When I was younger, I thought great birthdays had to be ones involving melodramatic presents, frantic partying plans or some secret surprise from a guy crazy for you. Of course, I still love a well-orchestrated surprise - increasingly harder these days because I am such a wily, nosy sniffer out-er of surprises that I spoil my own fun.
But at 28, I realise I have acquired a taste for the romance of the seemingly everyday and ordinary. I have learnt to seek the beauty of 'the simple life' - being as kind and gracious to as many as possible, being glad in heart for all of God's blessings, being ever watchful for opportunities to serve. I realise I don't want anything more. I don't want a life anything less than that. I don't need that car, that appartment, that lifestyle, that dream man. If I get them, I will be glad and thankful for the luxury. Meanwhile, I find an alternative list of things I need and want.
I realise I do need to know I have been courageous in the way I loved.
I want to know I have been kind.
I want to die with peace in my heart that I fought a good fight.
I want to die knowing with all my heart, that I tried.
Today, at church I prayed for God to break my heart for Him. I prayed that too as I blew out the candle of my cake a few nights ago.
I think that's all I really want. I have seen how much more pours out of my heart when He breaks it compared to how little comes out when He leaves it alone, whole but complacent, un-Touched, un-Moved. I don't want anything more than to have this life spent and spilled as an offering for His cause - Love Him and in turn, Love My Neighbour. Left to my own devices, I would not live my life so vulnerably.
Where I used to aspire to impossible and dramatic dreams of making the world a better place, I have learnt to focus on making my small corner a better place. God has portioned for me a home, a school, a disciple ship group, a circle of friends, a local church. What is the best way to steward these gifts? How can I truly love the person next to me in a way that is deeply meaningful? These small, simple questions are the foundation to large, complex, purposeful living.
On my 28th, I am grateful for miracles...
...for how faithfully God takes this lump of selfish complacent clay, sees the best in it and shapes a useful life out of it.
...for how God broke my heart the first time to show me how that was in His plans to bring three struggling souls - including mine - to a far, far better place. I am awed and humbled by how much more imaginative He is that I am. In all my imagined scenarios, I would never have seen things come to the point it has. I have rediscovered an old friend and uncovered a new one.
...for how through that, God shed my facade of contentment and grew the urgency to learn how to give more of myself, to care for others in more sacrificial ways.
...for how God is slowly but surely cracking my cynicism and hardheartedness about caring for my parents.
...for how in my discouragement, He taught me the need to encourage
... for how faithfully He has provided over the whole span of my disparate self-run career. If you know my lack of money-mindedness, you will know it is a miracle of Five Fishes, Two Loaves. I still cannot believe it sometimes.
... for how many friends and strangers He has brought my way, each a mirror of a greater Picture of Heaven. How beautiful it is to see stony hearts transmute into flesh. Every changing life in front of me is a blessed assurance of a Perfect future to come.
...for the opportunities I have been blessed with to serve and minister. I am honoured and thankful to those who have welcomed me to share in their burdens. The sharing of your burdens, sorrows and joys has been a privilege I will try not to abuse or forget.
So what did I get this birthday week?
...bags blue as the summer sky and red as sun-warmed brick,
...a new wallet to replace a stolen one,
...flowers chosen for being both hardy and enduring as they were beautiful
...a nice morning of peaceful grocery shopping with my mother
...an empty museum to draw in
...an SMS promise of one long, good conversation and many more to come
...the sweet shared joy of friends coming back find the Promised Land after years of wandering in the Desert
...a truly surprising gift with a hefty price tag and a gently offered compliment "You are always worth it"
In my 28th year of life, my 8th year of Christian life, I am happy.
Happier still to say - I owe it all to Christ.
He made all the difference.
Nothing can I boast in.
May I never admit to anything else.
I can't wait to be 29.
I love growing old. I like watching myself change internally and externally with the passage of time. I love the taste of being another year wiser and I love knowing how it is God who has made all the difference.
When I was younger, I thought great birthdays had to be ones involving melodramatic presents, frantic partying plans or some secret surprise from a guy crazy for you. Of course, I still love a well-orchestrated surprise - increasingly harder these days because I am such a wily, nosy sniffer out-er of surprises that I spoil my own fun.
But at 28, I realise I have acquired a taste for the romance of the seemingly everyday and ordinary. I have learnt to seek the beauty of 'the simple life' - being as kind and gracious to as many as possible, being glad in heart for all of God's blessings, being ever watchful for opportunities to serve. I realise I don't want anything more. I don't want a life anything less than that. I don't need that car, that appartment, that lifestyle, that dream man. If I get them, I will be glad and thankful for the luxury. Meanwhile, I find an alternative list of things I need and want.
I realise I do need to know I have been courageous in the way I loved.
I want to know I have been kind.
I want to die with peace in my heart that I fought a good fight.
I want to die knowing with all my heart, that I tried.
Today, at church I prayed for God to break my heart for Him. I prayed that too as I blew out the candle of my cake a few nights ago.
I think that's all I really want. I have seen how much more pours out of my heart when He breaks it compared to how little comes out when He leaves it alone, whole but complacent, un-Touched, un-Moved. I don't want anything more than to have this life spent and spilled as an offering for His cause - Love Him and in turn, Love My Neighbour. Left to my own devices, I would not live my life so vulnerably.
Where I used to aspire to impossible and dramatic dreams of making the world a better place, I have learnt to focus on making my small corner a better place. God has portioned for me a home, a school, a disciple ship group, a circle of friends, a local church. What is the best way to steward these gifts? How can I truly love the person next to me in a way that is deeply meaningful? These small, simple questions are the foundation to large, complex, purposeful living.
On my 28th, I am grateful for miracles...
...for how faithfully God takes this lump of selfish complacent clay, sees the best in it and shapes a useful life out of it.
...for how God broke my heart the first time to show me how that was in His plans to bring three struggling souls - including mine - to a far, far better place. I am awed and humbled by how much more imaginative He is that I am. In all my imagined scenarios, I would never have seen things come to the point it has. I have rediscovered an old friend and uncovered a new one.
...for how through that, God shed my facade of contentment and grew the urgency to learn how to give more of myself, to care for others in more sacrificial ways.
...for how God is slowly but surely cracking my cynicism and hardheartedness about caring for my parents.
...for how in my discouragement, He taught me the need to encourage
... for how faithfully He has provided over the whole span of my disparate self-run career. If you know my lack of money-mindedness, you will know it is a miracle of Five Fishes, Two Loaves. I still cannot believe it sometimes.
... for how many friends and strangers He has brought my way, each a mirror of a greater Picture of Heaven. How beautiful it is to see stony hearts transmute into flesh. Every changing life in front of me is a blessed assurance of a Perfect future to come.
...for the opportunities I have been blessed with to serve and minister. I am honoured and thankful to those who have welcomed me to share in their burdens. The sharing of your burdens, sorrows and joys has been a privilege I will try not to abuse or forget.
So what did I get this birthday week?
...bags blue as the summer sky and red as sun-warmed brick,
...a new wallet to replace a stolen one,
...flowers chosen for being both hardy and enduring as they were beautiful
...a nice morning of peaceful grocery shopping with my mother
...an empty museum to draw in
...an SMS promise of one long, good conversation and many more to come
...the sweet shared joy of friends coming back find the Promised Land after years of wandering in the Desert
...a truly surprising gift with a hefty price tag and a gently offered compliment "You are always worth it"
In my 28th year of life, my 8th year of Christian life, I am happy.
Happier still to say - I owe it all to Christ.
He made all the difference.
Nothing can I boast in.
May I never admit to anything else.
I can't wait to be 29.
Friday, September 30, 2005
Laugh Lines
I have been musing about what I have accomplished before the next birthday arrives.
Lately, I have been noticing that when I smile, deep lines appear at the corners of my eyes more prominently then before. When I stop smiling, they disappear. Time would eventually make them more visible and permenant. They call those lines crow's feet or laugh lines I think.
I read somewhere that the face you get when you get old and wrinkled is the face that you really deserve. I think what the guy meant was that if you spent your lifetime smiling or frowning, it would show. The regularity of what you used your face for would carve itself inevitably on your flesh.
So yeah, accomplishment #1 -I got laugh lines now. I earned them. Cool. Hope they deepen.
But meanwhile moisturise, moisturise, moisturise. :)
Lately, I have been noticing that when I smile, deep lines appear at the corners of my eyes more prominently then before. When I stop smiling, they disappear. Time would eventually make them more visible and permenant. They call those lines crow's feet or laugh lines I think.
I read somewhere that the face you get when you get old and wrinkled is the face that you really deserve. I think what the guy meant was that if you spent your lifetime smiling or frowning, it would show. The regularity of what you used your face for would carve itself inevitably on your flesh.
So yeah, accomplishment #1 -I got laugh lines now. I earned them. Cool. Hope they deepen.
But meanwhile moisturise, moisturise, moisturise. :)
Snippets from studies
Snippet #1: Paul, Is that you?!
Have been moved by 2 Corinthians this week. Larry Crabb's exposition on how to encourage people in a godly manner drove me to check out Paul's letters with new eyes. I never really thought of Paul the Apostle as a real flesh and blood man. He always seemed like Superman. But now when I look at Corinthians and see how human he let himself be, I am even more amazed by this man of God. I never realised how emotionally available and intellectually honest he was with those he ministered to.
As the hiphoppers would say - Respect, Paul. Respect.
Snippet #2: Revelations Is Cool
At bible study, we realised that the great Exodus of the Jews from Egypt was a shadow of the great Exodus we can expect to go through on Judgement Day. We too will be freed from the chains of slavery - not to Pharoahs but our fallen state. We too will march into a Promised Land, far more perfect than Canaan.
It kind of puts everything that is said in Exodus in a more poignant light.
This particular verse caught my eye:
Exodus 14:13 "Moses answered the people, "Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the LORD will bring you today. The Egyptians you see today you will never see again. The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still."
Be still. Quiet that fearful heart as you face the desert before you.
Have been moved by 2 Corinthians this week. Larry Crabb's exposition on how to encourage people in a godly manner drove me to check out Paul's letters with new eyes. I never really thought of Paul the Apostle as a real flesh and blood man. He always seemed like Superman. But now when I look at Corinthians and see how human he let himself be, I am even more amazed by this man of God. I never realised how emotionally available and intellectually honest he was with those he ministered to.
As the hiphoppers would say - Respect, Paul. Respect.
Snippet #2: Revelations Is Cool
At bible study, we realised that the great Exodus of the Jews from Egypt was a shadow of the great Exodus we can expect to go through on Judgement Day. We too will be freed from the chains of slavery - not to Pharoahs but our fallen state. We too will march into a Promised Land, far more perfect than Canaan.
It kind of puts everything that is said in Exodus in a more poignant light.
This particular verse caught my eye:
Exodus 14:13 "Moses answered the people, "Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the LORD will bring you today. The Egyptians you see today you will never see again. The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still."
Be still. Quiet that fearful heart as you face the desert before you.
Friday, September 23, 2005
the paradox of being encouraging
Have been fascinated by the concept of encouragement ever since I read a book on teenage education reminding us to "Encourage" not "Exasperate". Pour courage and strength into those in need. Do not take the wind from their sails, remove the breath from their bodies. Pretty profound stuff in terms of the implications on our relationships.
Been reading Larry Crabb's Encouragement (from the 30% Tecman sale!) It's an interesting book on how to build a culture of meaningful encouragement in church.
Interestingly, what stood out straight away in the book was his matter-of-fact observations in the chapter labelled "The Character of an Encourager".
Paradox 1:
"We all resist being dependable. We would rather be dependent. Yet becoming dependable is precisely what christianly ministry requires."
Paradox 2:
"The more determined I am to minister, the more painfully aware I become of my desire to have someone look after me. If I am committed to helping another, then I am never free to abandon myself to another. Yet this is what my soul cries out for."
woah. You are hitting it on the head, Crabb.
"People who take seriously the goal of ministry, and who are careful to prevent their desires for receiving ministry from becoming their goals, will inevitably encounter a profound loneliness. An awareness develops that although we may share with others, we can never fully depend on others....Even if he were to scrap the purpose of ministry and actively seek to end his loneliness through others' ministry to him, he would find no real satisfaction. The best of friends will inevitably fail us, because of self-preoccupation or imperfect understanding....The human condition in its fallen state is a lonely one, and a commitment to minsiter compounds the problem."
Ouch....very honest stuff Crabb but awfully depressing. When you gonna kick in the godly way out of this paradox?
"Here's the surprising virtue of loneliness...Godly character requires knowing God firsthand. The route to knowing God eventually passes directly through the valley of profound loneliness. It is in the times when there is no one but God that we learn to know HIm most fully. Those times...come only from emptying our lives into the lives of others.
When we depend on no one to minister to us, when we thankfully accept the little encouragement coming our way from others, then the soul will feel its deepest longing - to abandon itself to someone perfectly reliable and strong.....when the loneliness is greatest, we turn in desperate dependency to God. His love penetrates most deeply when we feel unloved."
"The character of an encourager must be strong. It must be molded and hardened in the fires of loneliness when no one but God is there. And loneliness - that surprising opportunity to know God - comes as we so throughly commit ourselves to ministering to others that we depend on God alone to minister to us. His ministry draws us into HIs very presence so that we can speak to others from holy ground. Then our words have power for good."
okay, before you think Crabb is a masochist who advocates leaders getting all maniacally depressed and stoically lonely, he does write an incisive follow-up chapter called 'When Do We Tell Somebody Else How We Feel?". Fabulous stuff in there and other chapters as well - must read for every Christian but especially those in teaching or leading positions.
..but yeah, Wow. I felt so challenged and so encouraged at the same time reading that chapter.
I want to be a better encourager. It's really good that Crabb pointed out the pitfall of "profound loneliness" to come that awaits. It allows me to prepare my heart and mind before hand to blunt the impact a little.
I have tasted a teeny slice of that kind of loneliness in my maiden foray into playing at being a real encourager. It's a little scary to know I may not even have experienced the full extent of that type of loneliness yet. Am sure many pastors and missionaries have been there and done that. It certainly is a revelation to me about how much MORE we need to pray and guard our church leaders' emotional and spiritual health.
If I feel pangs of loneliness doing my small scale ministry, what on earth must be going through our pastors' or song leaders' heads when they stare out at stony faces in the congregation?
Now I know why Pastor C has been reminding us to turn up on time for church with the mindset of encouraging each other every opportunity we can - in parking properly, in waking up on time, in genuine friendship breaks, in the way we sing, in the way we listen to sermon, in the way we talk to our neighbour after sermon.
We must do so partly to encourage each other. But in between the lines... I think just as importantly, we need to do so to encourage Pastor C himself.
woah. okay. Got the message.
Am on it, Pastor C. Thanks for the heads up, Crabb. I owe ya one.
Been reading Larry Crabb's Encouragement (from the 30% Tecman sale!) It's an interesting book on how to build a culture of meaningful encouragement in church.
Interestingly, what stood out straight away in the book was his matter-of-fact observations in the chapter labelled "The Character of an Encourager".
Paradox 1:
"We all resist being dependable. We would rather be dependent. Yet becoming dependable is precisely what christianly ministry requires."
Paradox 2:
"The more determined I am to minister, the more painfully aware I become of my desire to have someone look after me. If I am committed to helping another, then I am never free to abandon myself to another. Yet this is what my soul cries out for."
woah. You are hitting it on the head, Crabb.
"People who take seriously the goal of ministry, and who are careful to prevent their desires for receiving ministry from becoming their goals, will inevitably encounter a profound loneliness. An awareness develops that although we may share with others, we can never fully depend on others....Even if he were to scrap the purpose of ministry and actively seek to end his loneliness through others' ministry to him, he would find no real satisfaction. The best of friends will inevitably fail us, because of self-preoccupation or imperfect understanding....The human condition in its fallen state is a lonely one, and a commitment to minsiter compounds the problem."
Ouch....very honest stuff Crabb but awfully depressing. When you gonna kick in the godly way out of this paradox?
"Here's the surprising virtue of loneliness...Godly character requires knowing God firsthand. The route to knowing God eventually passes directly through the valley of profound loneliness. It is in the times when there is no one but God that we learn to know HIm most fully. Those times...come only from emptying our lives into the lives of others.
When we depend on no one to minister to us, when we thankfully accept the little encouragement coming our way from others, then the soul will feel its deepest longing - to abandon itself to someone perfectly reliable and strong.....when the loneliness is greatest, we turn in desperate dependency to God. His love penetrates most deeply when we feel unloved."
"The character of an encourager must be strong. It must be molded and hardened in the fires of loneliness when no one but God is there. And loneliness - that surprising opportunity to know God - comes as we so throughly commit ourselves to ministering to others that we depend on God alone to minister to us. His ministry draws us into HIs very presence so that we can speak to others from holy ground. Then our words have power for good."
okay, before you think Crabb is a masochist who advocates leaders getting all maniacally depressed and stoically lonely, he does write an incisive follow-up chapter called 'When Do We Tell Somebody Else How We Feel?". Fabulous stuff in there and other chapters as well - must read for every Christian but especially those in teaching or leading positions.
..but yeah, Wow. I felt so challenged and so encouraged at the same time reading that chapter.
I want to be a better encourager. It's really good that Crabb pointed out the pitfall of "profound loneliness" to come that awaits. It allows me to prepare my heart and mind before hand to blunt the impact a little.
I have tasted a teeny slice of that kind of loneliness in my maiden foray into playing at being a real encourager. It's a little scary to know I may not even have experienced the full extent of that type of loneliness yet. Am sure many pastors and missionaries have been there and done that. It certainly is a revelation to me about how much MORE we need to pray and guard our church leaders' emotional and spiritual health.
If I feel pangs of loneliness doing my small scale ministry, what on earth must be going through our pastors' or song leaders' heads when they stare out at stony faces in the congregation?
Now I know why Pastor C has been reminding us to turn up on time for church with the mindset of encouraging each other every opportunity we can - in parking properly, in waking up on time, in genuine friendship breaks, in the way we sing, in the way we listen to sermon, in the way we talk to our neighbour after sermon.
We must do so partly to encourage each other. But in between the lines... I think just as importantly, we need to do so to encourage Pastor C himself.
woah. okay. Got the message.
Am on it, Pastor C. Thanks for the heads up, Crabb. I owe ya one.
Wednesday, September 21, 2005
kickarsekitty
Revelations has been a really refreshing study. Considering how little I like that book - confusing imagery, dark medieval violence, obtuse observations - that's quite something.
woke up thinking today: If all this life is leading up to a time of Great Judgement, am I prepared? Can I meet a great era of injustice and deception that will be ushered in by the notorious (and oft misunderstood by Hollywood) "666"?
In the first place, do I have the wisdom and insight to discern the things of "666" and the things of God?
It is too easy to imagine "666" is Al Pacino in a sharp devilish suit or a CGI-created literal Beast.
I reckon the real "666" or "Beast" is a far more complex, sinister and well-disguised Evil then most of us think. 666 may not even an individual at all but some kind of corporate entity. His number is the numerical symbol of Ultimate Imperfection. His game is Ultimate Deception.
We would be lucky if he came capering around with horns and hooves that scream "Look at me!" That would be one dumb villain and Satan is no dummy. For goodness sake, He is called the Father of Lies.
Time to haul ass. No wonder when the Bible talks about learning how to love, recognise truth, gain righteousness etc. in warlike terms.
Imagine one of those tough-guy American war flicks - "Git up, buckaroo! You sleepin' in yo' trenches, boy? Where you think you are...Malibu? Hawaii? This is war, son!" Are we sleeping in our trenches of self-absorbed lives? Where do we think we are - Heaven? How many times must we be reminded that we are living in a fallen world that is in the throes of war?
People in a state of Emergency or a state of war are marked by their mindset of Preparedness. a strong awareness of a bigger War beyond the tiny slice of battle they are seeing.
Trying to be godly and choosing Good over Evil is not pastel-pretty stuff. It's kind of like preparing for war - know your generals, know you weapons, know your strategy or prepare to flounder like the dumb recruit that bites the dust in the first few minutes of those Hollywood war movies.
We learn to love God and His ways not for the sake of finding individual happiness, or for finding materialistic success, or for feeling warm and gushy inside. If all those things find their way into your life...be glad for they are gifts in the midst of tough times.
But never forget - We honour God and learn God's ways because we are going to need it to make a stand when it most matters.
Evil is afoot. It may be working right next to you. And I am not talking about your boss.
Eph 6:10-20 (NKJV)
Finally, my brethren, be strong in the Lord and in the power of His might.
Put on the whole armour of God, that you may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil.
For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places.
Therefore take up the whole armour of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand.
Stand therefore, having girded your waist with truth, having put on the breastplate of righteousness,
and having shod your feet with the preparation of the gospel of peace;
above all, taking the shield of faith with which you will be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked one. And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God;
praying always with all prayer and supplication in the Spirit, being watchful to this end with all perseverance and supplication for all the saints -
and for me, that utterance may be given to me, that I may open my mouth boldly to make known the mystery of the gospel,
for which I am an ambassador in chains; that in it I may speak boldly, as I ought to speak.
woke up thinking today: If all this life is leading up to a time of Great Judgement, am I prepared? Can I meet a great era of injustice and deception that will be ushered in by the notorious (and oft misunderstood by Hollywood) "666"?
In the first place, do I have the wisdom and insight to discern the things of "666" and the things of God?
It is too easy to imagine "666" is Al Pacino in a sharp devilish suit or a CGI-created literal Beast.
I reckon the real "666" or "Beast" is a far more complex, sinister and well-disguised Evil then most of us think. 666 may not even an individual at all but some kind of corporate entity. His number is the numerical symbol of Ultimate Imperfection. His game is Ultimate Deception.
We would be lucky if he came capering around with horns and hooves that scream "Look at me!" That would be one dumb villain and Satan is no dummy. For goodness sake, He is called the Father of Lies.
Time to haul ass. No wonder when the Bible talks about learning how to love, recognise truth, gain righteousness etc. in warlike terms.
Imagine one of those tough-guy American war flicks - "Git up, buckaroo! You sleepin' in yo' trenches, boy? Where you think you are...Malibu? Hawaii? This is war, son!" Are we sleeping in our trenches of self-absorbed lives? Where do we think we are - Heaven? How many times must we be reminded that we are living in a fallen world that is in the throes of war?
People in a state of Emergency or a state of war are marked by their mindset of Preparedness. a strong awareness of a bigger War beyond the tiny slice of battle they are seeing.
Trying to be godly and choosing Good over Evil is not pastel-pretty stuff. It's kind of like preparing for war - know your generals, know you weapons, know your strategy or prepare to flounder like the dumb recruit that bites the dust in the first few minutes of those Hollywood war movies.
We learn to love God and His ways not for the sake of finding individual happiness, or for finding materialistic success, or for feeling warm and gushy inside. If all those things find their way into your life...be glad for they are gifts in the midst of tough times.
But never forget - We honour God and learn God's ways because we are going to need it to make a stand when it most matters.
Evil is afoot. It may be working right next to you. And I am not talking about your boss.
Eph 6:10-20 (NKJV)
Finally, my brethren, be strong in the Lord and in the power of His might.
Put on the whole armour of God, that you may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil.
For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places.
Therefore take up the whole armour of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand.
Stand therefore, having girded your waist with truth, having put on the breastplate of righteousness,
and having shod your feet with the preparation of the gospel of peace;
above all, taking the shield of faith with which you will be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked one. And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God;
praying always with all prayer and supplication in the Spirit, being watchful to this end with all perseverance and supplication for all the saints -
and for me, that utterance may be given to me, that I may open my mouth boldly to make known the mystery of the gospel,
for which I am an ambassador in chains; that in it I may speak boldly, as I ought to speak.
Tuesday, September 20, 2005
The Return of a Friend
Yesterday, though I least expected it - God healed me from a old but nagging wound in the heart. The healing of this 4 year old ache did not take more than a simple minute, over a cheap $3.50 lunch, with a simple sentence - that is the power and profundity of God. That is His mysterious, strange timing.
I have mourned the loss of a very good friend for 4 years - though I tried hard to forgive, to be the better person, to be godly, to be wise, to be strong, to move on and seemed to succeed, I remained incredibly pained by it. I could not understand how our friendship could have meant nothing after all we had been through. Though we still kept in amiable contact, spotted with a few meaningful conversations here and there, BestFriend was only 20% present. BF always felt really faraway, like a curtain had been drawn between us forever.
I resented the distance. I knew what was the right thing to do - Love God, Love my Neighbour with superhuman intensity beyond understanding - but it still caused me heartache to have to do it. By God's gracious ministry, I was not embittered by the pain. But I often ached at the thought of how long it was going to remain in me with all my other questions. Why did I have to keep being the one who reached out? Why should I care in a friendship where I was not sure I was being cared for right back?
"I have always noticed when you were sad and lonely. I am sorry for not being there when you needed me most." Some old hurt just slipped out of me, as if it was nothing more than a thin scarf to be pulled off in a tug. Can a sincere apology have that much power?
"You know what - you are still my best friend." I needed those words more than I knew. A small weight vanished from within , as if it had been nothing more than smoke.
Sitting there and staring at my old best friend talk to me with 100% presence back in full force, I was literally shell-shocked. I had gotten so used to operating at the level BF had set in those 4 years. Suddenly, our friendship was back in full force - the familiarity, the ease, the back and forth, the level of giving, the unsaid assurance of full trust in Christ under everything we said. It was a miracle from heaven. I never knew how little I expected this day to happen until it did.
"I can't believe it. It feels....like a new chapter. Almost like the end of ... a saga."
"I know."
_______________________________
At night, I started thinking of how strangely grateful I am that God allowed me to feel such depths of pain and sadness in the past 4 years. In allowing me to become brutally honest with my heart's suffering, I have grown year by year in my dependence on His wisdom and hence in my ability to empathise, in my desire to reach out, in my boldness to break out of fear that comes from Loving people His way.
Without understanding pain, I would never have understood joy. WIthout tasting turmoil and unrest, I would have never loved peace. Without teaching me loss, I would have never longed so hard to find.
Though the past 4 years had not changed my circumstances in any tangible sense, I knew in the intangible realm, I was soaring. I was growing. Every year was a year of genuine gratefulness, deeper joy, stranger peace - even though pain was always muted but present.
"Though i walk through valleys low, I will fear no evil.
By the waters, still my soul, my heart will trust in you."
'My Heart WIll Trust' from some old HIllsongs album was one of the songs that brought me through the worst of the 4 melancholy years. I love it because it recalls my favourite Psalm 23 - The Lord is my Shepherd.
The words of that Psalm may have been cross-stitched, wood-burnt, curliculed to death by a million ridiculous, cheesy Christian paraphenalia makers but nothing can dim the Truth of its message - in a fallen world, a valley of where the shadow of death looms over every little thing that we do, somehow He will help us find those quiet waters, those green pastures.
Even better, even subtler - By telling us He will comfort us with the rod of justice and the staff of love, He shows us He knows we are in mourning. The Lord does not deny we are in pain. He assures us that it is okay to feel sad, it is okay to mourn and feel hurt. We do not need to pretend it is easy to be godly or that we need to pretend to be happy all the time to be an example of mature Christianity.
In His timing, He will bring healing and peace into our fractured lives: first in profound but intrinsically incomplete forms on earth; later, more importantly in full completion as HIs Kingdom comes.
For a far better exposition on this, read Dr Larry Cobb's brilliant Inside Out. I think anyone who is looking for a honest breakthrough in their Christian maturity should give it a go - it deals very wisely with the truth of how foolish, thirsty Christians can come to grips with their long search for healing, and for inner and outer integrity. If you ever wanted to know how your ungodly ways can be changed through God, and are tired of easy answers from over-smiley christian writers who tire you out with their naivete, or sick of smarmy Pharisees who think change happens when youjust run the gamut of a million rules of Christian Living, this is a great, great Godly book. The packaging of the book may make you scream "Christian Psychobabble Self-Help!!!!! Ewwwww" but trust me, the book is worth getting over your prejudices.
Meanwhile.....Hallelujah and praise the God of the Impossible.
I have found my BestFriend again. : )
It's not a miracle on the Richter scale of the parting of the Red Sea, but it sure feels like a miracle to me.
I have mourned the loss of a very good friend for 4 years - though I tried hard to forgive, to be the better person, to be godly, to be wise, to be strong, to move on and seemed to succeed, I remained incredibly pained by it. I could not understand how our friendship could have meant nothing after all we had been through. Though we still kept in amiable contact, spotted with a few meaningful conversations here and there, BestFriend was only 20% present. BF always felt really faraway, like a curtain had been drawn between us forever.
I resented the distance. I knew what was the right thing to do - Love God, Love my Neighbour with superhuman intensity beyond understanding - but it still caused me heartache to have to do it. By God's gracious ministry, I was not embittered by the pain. But I often ached at the thought of how long it was going to remain in me with all my other questions. Why did I have to keep being the one who reached out? Why should I care in a friendship where I was not sure I was being cared for right back?
"I have always noticed when you were sad and lonely. I am sorry for not being there when you needed me most." Some old hurt just slipped out of me, as if it was nothing more than a thin scarf to be pulled off in a tug. Can a sincere apology have that much power?
"You know what - you are still my best friend." I needed those words more than I knew. A small weight vanished from within , as if it had been nothing more than smoke.
Sitting there and staring at my old best friend talk to me with 100% presence back in full force, I was literally shell-shocked. I had gotten so used to operating at the level BF had set in those 4 years. Suddenly, our friendship was back in full force - the familiarity, the ease, the back and forth, the level of giving, the unsaid assurance of full trust in Christ under everything we said. It was a miracle from heaven. I never knew how little I expected this day to happen until it did.
"I can't believe it. It feels....like a new chapter. Almost like the end of ... a saga."
"I know."
_______________________________
At night, I started thinking of how strangely grateful I am that God allowed me to feel such depths of pain and sadness in the past 4 years. In allowing me to become brutally honest with my heart's suffering, I have grown year by year in my dependence on His wisdom and hence in my ability to empathise, in my desire to reach out, in my boldness to break out of fear that comes from Loving people His way.
Without understanding pain, I would never have understood joy. WIthout tasting turmoil and unrest, I would have never loved peace. Without teaching me loss, I would have never longed so hard to find.
Though the past 4 years had not changed my circumstances in any tangible sense, I knew in the intangible realm, I was soaring. I was growing. Every year was a year of genuine gratefulness, deeper joy, stranger peace - even though pain was always muted but present.
"Though i walk through valleys low, I will fear no evil.
By the waters, still my soul, my heart will trust in you."
'My Heart WIll Trust' from some old HIllsongs album was one of the songs that brought me through the worst of the 4 melancholy years. I love it because it recalls my favourite Psalm 23 - The Lord is my Shepherd.
The words of that Psalm may have been cross-stitched, wood-burnt, curliculed to death by a million ridiculous, cheesy Christian paraphenalia makers but nothing can dim the Truth of its message - in a fallen world, a valley of where the shadow of death looms over every little thing that we do, somehow He will help us find those quiet waters, those green pastures.
Even better, even subtler - By telling us He will comfort us with the rod of justice and the staff of love, He shows us He knows we are in mourning. The Lord does not deny we are in pain. He assures us that it is okay to feel sad, it is okay to mourn and feel hurt. We do not need to pretend it is easy to be godly or that we need to pretend to be happy all the time to be an example of mature Christianity.
In His timing, He will bring healing and peace into our fractured lives: first in profound but intrinsically incomplete forms on earth; later, more importantly in full completion as HIs Kingdom comes.
For a far better exposition on this, read Dr Larry Cobb's brilliant Inside Out. I think anyone who is looking for a honest breakthrough in their Christian maturity should give it a go - it deals very wisely with the truth of how foolish, thirsty Christians can come to grips with their long search for healing, and for inner and outer integrity. If you ever wanted to know how your ungodly ways can be changed through God, and are tired of easy answers from over-smiley christian writers who tire you out with their naivete, or sick of smarmy Pharisees who think change happens when youjust run the gamut of a million rules of Christian Living, this is a great, great Godly book. The packaging of the book may make you scream "Christian Psychobabble Self-Help!!!!! Ewwwww" but trust me, the book is worth getting over your prejudices.
Meanwhile.....Hallelujah and praise the God of the Impossible.
I have found my BestFriend again. : )
It's not a miracle on the Richter scale of the parting of the Red Sea, but it sure feels like a miracle to me.
Monday, September 19, 2005
I'm The Girl
Inspired by the funky on-going Tomorrow meme as seen in this link - Who We Are
__________________________
I'm the girl who loved how your familiar brown van coasted through the neighbourhood every night; who watched you uncover your magical tin trays, and bought slices of coarse, crumbly fruit cake and pink-green layered bread with cheap buttercream from your weathered hands.
I'm the girl whose first loves were Bob the kind piano man on Sesame Street, Bruce Sato from M.A.S.K and Remington Steele; the girl who hates snakes so much that the only unread volume of her Encyclopedia Britannica series is volume "S".
I'm the girl who you had water hose battles with while sitting in tin wash-tubs; the one who fought alongside with you in red ant-killing missions at the mango tree; the one who allowed you to barbecue her Strawberry Shortcake toys because "pagan sacrifice" sounded like a fun new sand pit game; the one who carefully helped you dig tunnels and caves in your ice-kachang; the one who you grilled hamburgers for; the one who you once piledrived, body slammed and broke her glasses; the one who you happily converted to nerdy boy hobbies for life.
I'm the girl who once thought the height of cool was writing "Cool!" in gold glitter across a neon pink t-shirt and walking out in it with matching neon pink socks.
I'm the girl who was once convinced she could talk Saddam out of the first Gulf War because she felt maybe he never had a real friend.
I'm the girl you once donated $50 to "for your nice smile" when she was a 15 year old stranger sticking a charity tin can in your face; the girl who at 28 still thinks of your tiny act of kindness every time someone says Singaporeans are all selfish.
I'm the girl who hid in the shower because she was so convinced that she managed to crush the car with you in it by pressing the door remote control too fast; the girl who you carried to bed every night when she fell asleep watching tv; the girl who never forgot how you dashed to Popular Bookstore for supplies and stayed up to cut little styrofoam continents to form a stupid styrofoam world map just so she could hand up her "holiday homework"; the girl who you reminded daily, "It doesn't matter if you want to be a roadsweeper, just be the best roadsweeper."; the girl who you once walloped with hard slippers and 10 cent "tian tiao" canes; the girl who you called when your own mother died, to ask her to pray even though you did not believe in her God.
I'm the girl who played Debbie GIbson while you were Kylie Minogue; who was Great Exploress Lady Serena Tenzing while you were Great Exploress Lady Erica Hillary; who wrote imaginary magazine editorials so that we could be celebrity explorer/pop stars instead of dorky convent school girls; the girl who recorded our great non-hit wonder "The Mystery of the Growing Pizza" in your room; the girl who never lets you forget you once thought Macbeth was a hamburger.
I'm the girl who you played Barbie Dolls meet Sweet Valley HIgh with; the one who you mugged PSLE with in between practicing Richard Clayderman pieces ; the one who ate Yami Yogurt at Parkway Parade with; the one who shielded you from your domineering, plastic-hammer wielding mother and crazy-ass principal; the one who you once convinced so well that everybody hated her so she would pathetically consider jumping off the second floor to escape teenage hell; the one who you have always confused with your schizo ways.
I'm the girl who you called "just like King RIchard - all words and no substance" when she handed up a pedantic literature essay; the same girl who drew you a picture of your favourite Thomas Hardy heroine because you apologised for being a crotchety old teacher.
I'm the girl who thought the End was truly near when the Twin Towers collapsed; the girl who found meaning watching you light a candle after candle, despite your advanced age and chinese-ness, at the National Stadium in honour of the dead.
I'm the girl whom you stopped to ask the time at Capitol Building and proceeded to dazzle for one Before Sunset-like hour with your Hollywood looks and a non-stop conversation about local politics and society's idiosyncrasies in front of Breadtalk; the girl who you took out at midnight to look at a bridge your uncle built to talk for hours about charity, architecture and Robert Frost poetry; the girl you danced too closely to; the girl who you bought flowers for, on her last night in California and never said a word to about what you felt until it was too late and too darn wierd; the girl who you conned into filling up her details on a comic shop membership card so you could call her up and creep her out by telling her you stood right behind her at a newspaper stand in Kallang but did not want to say hi; I'm the girl who you did not choose. I'm the girl who you did choose but did not choose you back.
I'm the girl who once wanted to go out and deliberately make One Great Mistake because she was convinced that mistakes were the only way to learn about life; the girl who is relieved that she never ever succeeded at that mission.
I'm the girl who raises empty hands to You in praise to remember that is all she has to bring to Your Throne; the girl who imagines You graciously placing Your hands right back in those empty palms in a clasp of assurance; the girl who will not forget how deeply You have rewritten the script of her life.
I'm that girl. Who are you?
__________________________
I'm the girl who loved how your familiar brown van coasted through the neighbourhood every night; who watched you uncover your magical tin trays, and bought slices of coarse, crumbly fruit cake and pink-green layered bread with cheap buttercream from your weathered hands.
I'm the girl whose first loves were Bob the kind piano man on Sesame Street, Bruce Sato from M.A.S.K and Remington Steele; the girl who hates snakes so much that the only unread volume of her Encyclopedia Britannica series is volume "S".
I'm the girl who you had water hose battles with while sitting in tin wash-tubs; the one who fought alongside with you in red ant-killing missions at the mango tree; the one who allowed you to barbecue her Strawberry Shortcake toys because "pagan sacrifice" sounded like a fun new sand pit game; the one who carefully helped you dig tunnels and caves in your ice-kachang; the one who you grilled hamburgers for; the one who you once piledrived, body slammed and broke her glasses; the one who you happily converted to nerdy boy hobbies for life.
I'm the girl who once thought the height of cool was writing "Cool!" in gold glitter across a neon pink t-shirt and walking out in it with matching neon pink socks.
I'm the girl who was once convinced she could talk Saddam out of the first Gulf War because she felt maybe he never had a real friend.
I'm the girl you once donated $50 to "for your nice smile" when she was a 15 year old stranger sticking a charity tin can in your face; the girl who at 28 still thinks of your tiny act of kindness every time someone says Singaporeans are all selfish.
I'm the girl who hid in the shower because she was so convinced that she managed to crush the car with you in it by pressing the door remote control too fast; the girl who you carried to bed every night when she fell asleep watching tv; the girl who never forgot how you dashed to Popular Bookstore for supplies and stayed up to cut little styrofoam continents to form a stupid styrofoam world map just so she could hand up her "holiday homework"; the girl who you reminded daily, "It doesn't matter if you want to be a roadsweeper, just be the best roadsweeper."; the girl who you once walloped with hard slippers and 10 cent "tian tiao" canes; the girl who you called when your own mother died, to ask her to pray even though you did not believe in her God.
I'm the girl who played Debbie GIbson while you were Kylie Minogue; who was Great Exploress Lady Serena Tenzing while you were Great Exploress Lady Erica Hillary; who wrote imaginary magazine editorials so that we could be celebrity explorer/pop stars instead of dorky convent school girls; the girl who recorded our great non-hit wonder "The Mystery of the Growing Pizza" in your room; the girl who never lets you forget you once thought Macbeth was a hamburger.
I'm the girl who you played Barbie Dolls meet Sweet Valley HIgh with; the one who you mugged PSLE with in between practicing Richard Clayderman pieces ; the one who ate Yami Yogurt at Parkway Parade with; the one who shielded you from your domineering, plastic-hammer wielding mother and crazy-ass principal; the one who you once convinced so well that everybody hated her so she would pathetically consider jumping off the second floor to escape teenage hell; the one who you have always confused with your schizo ways.
I'm the girl who you called "just like King RIchard - all words and no substance" when she handed up a pedantic literature essay; the same girl who drew you a picture of your favourite Thomas Hardy heroine because you apologised for being a crotchety old teacher.
I'm the girl who thought the End was truly near when the Twin Towers collapsed; the girl who found meaning watching you light a candle after candle, despite your advanced age and chinese-ness, at the National Stadium in honour of the dead.
I'm the girl whom you stopped to ask the time at Capitol Building and proceeded to dazzle for one Before Sunset-like hour with your Hollywood looks and a non-stop conversation about local politics and society's idiosyncrasies in front of Breadtalk; the girl who you took out at midnight to look at a bridge your uncle built to talk for hours about charity, architecture and Robert Frost poetry; the girl you danced too closely to; the girl who you bought flowers for, on her last night in California and never said a word to about what you felt until it was too late and too darn wierd; the girl who you conned into filling up her details on a comic shop membership card so you could call her up and creep her out by telling her you stood right behind her at a newspaper stand in Kallang but did not want to say hi; I'm the girl who you did not choose. I'm the girl who you did choose but did not choose you back.
I'm the girl who once wanted to go out and deliberately make One Great Mistake because she was convinced that mistakes were the only way to learn about life; the girl who is relieved that she never ever succeeded at that mission.
I'm the girl who raises empty hands to You in praise to remember that is all she has to bring to Your Throne; the girl who imagines You graciously placing Your hands right back in those empty palms in a clasp of assurance; the girl who will not forget how deeply You have rewritten the script of her life.
I'm that girl. Who are you?
Saturday, September 17, 2005
Who in the World is Henrietta Mears?!
Talking about Elisabeth Elliot tonight over supper made me go back and do a google on her. But what I ended up taking away was not about EE but about this amazing woman called Henrietta Mears.
I had found her name next to EE's on a website collecting the stories of extraordinary Christians. The little .gif image they used to represent her looked like a chubby, dowdy woman with bizarre taste in spectacles and flamboyant hats. I did not click on her first, preferring to read the more well-known names I had seen before - George Washington Carver, Oswald Chambers, C.S. Lewis.
When I finally got to Henrietta Mears, I was amazed and incredibly encouraged at the parallel tracks of thinking we were running on.
She was a teacher in Hollywood in the 1920s and had seen a gap in her church - The Sunday School material was not engaging or empowering young people. Thus, she began to painstakingly design and develop her own curriculum. Soon, youth ministry's attendees swelled, calls from other churches came in looking for her material and she started a publishing company, Gospel Light Publications to meet the need. Still, she went on teaching and dreaming. She shortly set up a conference centre for youths to be empowered through grounded Bible teaching. Demand just kept coming in and Gospel Light Publications evolved into Gospel Light International.
Interestingly, through her unorthodox demeanour, dressing and manner, she reached out to many in the entertainment and journalistic sector as well in secular Hollywood. The secular world loved how off the cuff she was in her interviews, and the clever wit she displayed in answering questions about her faith.
I mean this really floors me! She was a woman of the 1920s - pre feminism, pre globalisation, pre Information Revolution, pre modern education initiatives. Her achievements sound like something ripped out of the current news. The fact that she achieved all that in her time is just....Divine.
"When I consider my ministry, I think of the world. Anything less than that would not be worthy of Christ, nor of his will for my life," Mears told her college students. Her vision of conquering the world for Christ influenced the vision of the many youths who passed through her classes - most noteworthy of them, Billy Graham and Bill Bright (Founder of Campus Crusade). Graham said once that apart from his wife and his mother, he could not think of another woman who had influenced him more in his life.
A Christianity Today article states: "At a Sunday school convention in 1950, Mears explained what it takes to do the job. "It is my business as a Sunday school teacher to instill a divine discontent for the ordinary. Only the best possible is good enough for God. Can you say, 'God, I have done all that I can?'" The beloved "Teacher," whose teaching methods transformed Christian education, certainly could say yes."
This woman is my hero. She made her dream of Christian education happen 50 years ahead of her time.
Come on School of Thought, you can do it. Let's get that dream cracking, stop your foot-dragging and fear-grubbing - focus on that dream. Education that ties head, heart and will. Education that sees a link between textbook and reality. Youth ministry material that empowers youth to change their lives and their communities. Christian youths who live and love extraordinarily and bravely with heart, mind and strength.
"Instill a divine discontent for the ordinary". OH, I LIKE the sound of that, baby!
Henrietta, you crazy spectacle-loving, mad, hat-loving, activist spinster. I raise you one cup of salvation in cheers to you and in salute to our Saviour and toast to a future to come. Man, I wish I knew you. We would so get along. If you are watching from the Kingdom, cheer me on, Henrietta. I will try my best, in His grace, to pick up where you left off. ha. :)
Christianity Today article on Henrietta Mears
I had found her name next to EE's on a website collecting the stories of extraordinary Christians. The little .gif image they used to represent her looked like a chubby, dowdy woman with bizarre taste in spectacles and flamboyant hats. I did not click on her first, preferring to read the more well-known names I had seen before - George Washington Carver, Oswald Chambers, C.S. Lewis.
When I finally got to Henrietta Mears, I was amazed and incredibly encouraged at the parallel tracks of thinking we were running on.
She was a teacher in Hollywood in the 1920s and had seen a gap in her church - The Sunday School material was not engaging or empowering young people. Thus, she began to painstakingly design and develop her own curriculum. Soon, youth ministry's attendees swelled, calls from other churches came in looking for her material and she started a publishing company, Gospel Light Publications to meet the need. Still, she went on teaching and dreaming. She shortly set up a conference centre for youths to be empowered through grounded Bible teaching. Demand just kept coming in and Gospel Light Publications evolved into Gospel Light International.
Interestingly, through her unorthodox demeanour, dressing and manner, she reached out to many in the entertainment and journalistic sector as well in secular Hollywood. The secular world loved how off the cuff she was in her interviews, and the clever wit she displayed in answering questions about her faith.
I mean this really floors me! She was a woman of the 1920s - pre feminism, pre globalisation, pre Information Revolution, pre modern education initiatives. Her achievements sound like something ripped out of the current news. The fact that she achieved all that in her time is just....Divine.
"When I consider my ministry, I think of the world. Anything less than that would not be worthy of Christ, nor of his will for my life," Mears told her college students. Her vision of conquering the world for Christ influenced the vision of the many youths who passed through her classes - most noteworthy of them, Billy Graham and Bill Bright (Founder of Campus Crusade). Graham said once that apart from his wife and his mother, he could not think of another woman who had influenced him more in his life.
A Christianity Today article states: "At a Sunday school convention in 1950, Mears explained what it takes to do the job. "It is my business as a Sunday school teacher to instill a divine discontent for the ordinary. Only the best possible is good enough for God. Can you say, 'God, I have done all that I can?'" The beloved "Teacher," whose teaching methods transformed Christian education, certainly could say yes."
This woman is my hero. She made her dream of Christian education happen 50 years ahead of her time.
Come on School of Thought, you can do it. Let's get that dream cracking, stop your foot-dragging and fear-grubbing - focus on that dream. Education that ties head, heart and will. Education that sees a link between textbook and reality. Youth ministry material that empowers youth to change their lives and their communities. Christian youths who live and love extraordinarily and bravely with heart, mind and strength.
"Instill a divine discontent for the ordinary". OH, I LIKE the sound of that, baby!
Henrietta, you crazy spectacle-loving, mad, hat-loving, activist spinster. I raise you one cup of salvation in cheers to you and in salute to our Saviour and toast to a future to come. Man, I wish I knew you. We would so get along. If you are watching from the Kingdom, cheer me on, Henrietta. I will try my best, in His grace, to pick up where you left off. ha. :)
Christianity Today article on Henrietta Mears
Thursday, September 15, 2005
postscript to 'Where 2 or 3 are gathered
Rust pointed out that I may need to clarify the oft 'taken out of context' and misunderstood nature of Matthew 18:15-20. So have dug up the full context and an article that will shed more light to the verses.
First the context in full Hallelujah glory:
Matthew 18:15 -19
"If your brother sins against you,[b] go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over. 16But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that 'every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.'[c] 17If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, treat him as you would a pagan or a tax collector.
18"I tell you the truth, whatever you bind on earth will be[d]bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth will be[e] loosed in heaven.
19"Again, I tell you that if two of you on earth agree about anything you ask for, it will be done for you by my Father in heaven.
20For where two or three come together in my name, there am I with them."
This link at Challies.com provides a good explanation of the multiple ways people take the "2 or 3 are gathered" thing out of context - for example, taking it mean that when 2 or 3 are gathered, christian wishes become uber powerful and can ask for anything.
And last of all, just to clarify - was focusing on the underlying concept behind Matthew 18:20 which states that God is present in the gathering of His people. God's reality is affirmed in the midst of just 2 or 3 witnesses. This is what was underlying the context of Matthew 18:15-20 as well I think.
Was not intent on exploring the immediate context surrounding Matthew 18:20 - which is the context of how to treat matters of conflict in the church, why you want to gather witnesses to affirm your decision etc.
I think the article in challies.com will clarify the context more cleverly than I can....soooooo hope this removes any potential stumbly stones :)
thanks for caring to point it out Rust!
First the context in full Hallelujah glory:
Matthew 18:15 -19
"If your brother sins against you,[b] go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over. 16But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that 'every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.'[c] 17If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, treat him as you would a pagan or a tax collector.
18"I tell you the truth, whatever you bind on earth will be[d]bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth will be[e] loosed in heaven.
19"Again, I tell you that if two of you on earth agree about anything you ask for, it will be done for you by my Father in heaven.
20For where two or three come together in my name, there am I with them."
This link at Challies.com provides a good explanation of the multiple ways people take the "2 or 3 are gathered" thing out of context - for example, taking it mean that when 2 or 3 are gathered, christian wishes become uber powerful and can ask for anything.
And last of all, just to clarify - was focusing on the underlying concept behind Matthew 18:20 which states that God is present in the gathering of His people. God's reality is affirmed in the midst of just 2 or 3 witnesses. This is what was underlying the context of Matthew 18:15-20 as well I think.
Was not intent on exploring the immediate context surrounding Matthew 18:20 - which is the context of how to treat matters of conflict in the church, why you want to gather witnesses to affirm your decision etc.
I think the article in challies.com will clarify the context more cleverly than I can....soooooo hope this removes any potential stumbly stones :)
thanks for caring to point it out Rust!
Wednesday, September 14, 2005
Where Two or Three Are Gathered
Tenuous link of picture to blog entry:
#1 It's about the power of buddies
#2 It's about finding closeness when the world is weighing on your heads.
#3 I just insanely like any excuse to post rabbit pictures.
I realise I may sound like an absolute schizo when I say I am fine one moment and blog about how crap I feel in the next. And somehow neither cancels out each other. But therein lies the paradox of Christianity - in my weakness, He is strong.
In Matthew 18:20, the BIble says "For where two or three are gathered together in my name, there am I in the midst of them." When I was young in my faith, I thought that just meant Jesus/Holy Spirit magically floating around like some hovering poltergiest when people prayed together. Conceptually, I just could not really grapple with that idea.
Yet as I grow older in the faith, I see how Jesus works through His people - His Body aka the church - and understand more about the verse. When we gather in His name and for His purposes, we share our lives and in doing so, we make known the reality of His work in us. We remind each other of how present He is - in terms of Place and Time - in these times of tribulation.
Sometimes hearing about how Christ changes people to become better people does not directly apply to my life's problems but just hearing that and knowing that He is real is enough for me to find rest.
When I shared about my melancholic funk, I got a rapid influx of well-timed encouragement from various sources. It is hard to stay melancholic when so many others show you there is no need to.
WIll share just two that were particularly well-timed and sweet to receive. Perhaps these God-graced words will pour courage into someone else someday:
From ViaDolorosa: "When we have an empty place in our heart yet will not allow it to be filled with anything less than God's best - that is the greatest kind of patience"
From L : "In the forest, the fern and the bamboo live very different lives.
The fern grows fast and rapidly covers the floor. It flourishes with great ease and little trouble. Yet, the bamboo stays small, seemingly fruitless and insignificant for many years.
Life seems hard for the bamboo but one day, overnight the bamboo shoots miraculously to over 100 feet tall. It had spent the 5 years growing roots. Those roots made it strong and gave it what it needed to survive.
God promises He would not give any of His creations a challenge it could not handle. All this time you have been struggling, you have
actually been growing roots.
The bamboo had a different purpose than the fern.Yet they both make the forest beautiful and they both serve in different ways. Trust that old song - In His time, He makes all things beautiful."
So how is it that "In my weakness, He is strong?"
It is always in my times of weaknesses and irrational suffering, when I discover strength, rationality and hope.
I definitely do not find all this within me in my moment of weakness.
There are 2 sources:
#1: I find these things in His words in the Bible and assorted Christian material of course.
#2: But significantly, I find them too in the kindly words, gracious fellowship and generously shared stories of other christians. Many of them would not have been inclined to reach out so, if not for the knowledge of God that changes their very nature.
These two sources are mediums for God to pour strength and courage in me, changing parts of my sinful nature. This is how I become strong. Not by (my) might, not by (my) power, but by the Spirit of God.
In times of pain, God finds opportunities to become very real to us, manifesting between the lines of the gracious actions and words of His people.
This "kindness of strangers" factor alone does not move me out of my present situation or circumstance.
But it does move me out of melancholia and into hope because I can see clearly the source and motivation of the kindness being offered.
That has become far more important to me and ultimately is the key solution to living joyfully in a fallen world. This is how a Christian can thrive in adversity - not out of mindless optimism, but out of acknowledgement that He is doubtlessly all around and real.
We are not alone.
Christ proves it time and time again - through friends, through books, through His word, through music, through the very changes He has wrought in our nature.
If you ever doubt His presence, this is what I prescribe. When you feel bad, find good Christian company - either face to face, or through the mediums of SMS, Email and what not. Once you gather two or three godly Christians, get them to start sharing about their walk. Watch Him emerge powerfully and poignantly through the cracks of their life stories and their overall demeanour.
Truly amazing.
P.S. I am not so tired anymore. And I am not so sad anymore. Funks may come and go but they have increasingly shorter lifespans the older I get in my faith. :)
#1 It's about the power of buddies
#2 It's about finding closeness when the world is weighing on your heads.
#3 I just insanely like any excuse to post rabbit pictures.
I realise I may sound like an absolute schizo when I say I am fine one moment and blog about how crap I feel in the next. And somehow neither cancels out each other. But therein lies the paradox of Christianity - in my weakness, He is strong.
In Matthew 18:20, the BIble says "For where two or three are gathered together in my name, there am I in the midst of them." When I was young in my faith, I thought that just meant Jesus/Holy Spirit magically floating around like some hovering poltergiest when people prayed together. Conceptually, I just could not really grapple with that idea.
Yet as I grow older in the faith, I see how Jesus works through His people - His Body aka the church - and understand more about the verse. When we gather in His name and for His purposes, we share our lives and in doing so, we make known the reality of His work in us. We remind each other of how present He is - in terms of Place and Time - in these times of tribulation.
Sometimes hearing about how Christ changes people to become better people does not directly apply to my life's problems but just hearing that and knowing that He is real is enough for me to find rest.
When I shared about my melancholic funk, I got a rapid influx of well-timed encouragement from various sources. It is hard to stay melancholic when so many others show you there is no need to.
WIll share just two that were particularly well-timed and sweet to receive. Perhaps these God-graced words will pour courage into someone else someday:
From ViaDolorosa: "When we have an empty place in our heart yet will not allow it to be filled with anything less than God's best - that is the greatest kind of patience"
From L : "In the forest, the fern and the bamboo live very different lives.
The fern grows fast and rapidly covers the floor. It flourishes with great ease and little trouble. Yet, the bamboo stays small, seemingly fruitless and insignificant for many years.
Life seems hard for the bamboo but one day, overnight the bamboo shoots miraculously to over 100 feet tall. It had spent the 5 years growing roots. Those roots made it strong and gave it what it needed to survive.
God promises He would not give any of His creations a challenge it could not handle. All this time you have been struggling, you have
actually been growing roots.
The bamboo had a different purpose than the fern.Yet they both make the forest beautiful and they both serve in different ways. Trust that old song - In His time, He makes all things beautiful."
So how is it that "In my weakness, He is strong?"
It is always in my times of weaknesses and irrational suffering, when I discover strength, rationality and hope.
I definitely do not find all this within me in my moment of weakness.
There are 2 sources:
#1: I find these things in His words in the Bible and assorted Christian material of course.
#2: But significantly, I find them too in the kindly words, gracious fellowship and generously shared stories of other christians. Many of them would not have been inclined to reach out so, if not for the knowledge of God that changes their very nature.
These two sources are mediums for God to pour strength and courage in me, changing parts of my sinful nature. This is how I become strong. Not by (my) might, not by (my) power, but by the Spirit of God.
In times of pain, God finds opportunities to become very real to us, manifesting between the lines of the gracious actions and words of His people.
This "kindness of strangers" factor alone does not move me out of my present situation or circumstance.
But it does move me out of melancholia and into hope because I can see clearly the source and motivation of the kindness being offered.
That has become far more important to me and ultimately is the key solution to living joyfully in a fallen world. This is how a Christian can thrive in adversity - not out of mindless optimism, but out of acknowledgement that He is doubtlessly all around and real.
We are not alone.
Christ proves it time and time again - through friends, through books, through His word, through music, through the very changes He has wrought in our nature.
If you ever doubt His presence, this is what I prescribe. When you feel bad, find good Christian company - either face to face, or through the mediums of SMS, Email and what not. Once you gather two or three godly Christians, get them to start sharing about their walk. Watch Him emerge powerfully and poignantly through the cracks of their life stories and their overall demeanour.
Truly amazing.
P.S. I am not so tired anymore. And I am not so sad anymore. Funks may come and go but they have increasingly shorter lifespans the older I get in my faith. :)
Sunday, September 11, 2005
Pick Me Up, Love - Everyday
"So are you still tired?"
"A little. It never lasts beyond a day but it comes and goes. I'm ok. People have been encouraging."
"How can your tiredness be gone so fast? It usually takes weeks for some."
"No choice lah. Pick up and go on lor. Pointless to mope or bitch about it."
Post conversation, I walked down Orchard this afternoon, thinking of going to the gym to workout and kill the rest of a Sunday afternoon.
At the junction between Heeren and Orchard Emerald, I heard a series of high-pitched shrieks and screams. There was a obese man in his 30s gesturing wildly at the staring crowds. His arms were just flailing around as if he was scoulding everybody.
He cut a freakish, pathetic figure in trendy Orchard Road - fat, faded red polo over his bulging belly, unflattering khaki shorts, and a tiny black backpack that accentuated his girth.
Around him, was a radius of emptiness. He was a stranger in a crowd of onlookers. Everybody was giving him a wide berth, attempting to avoid the madman physically but their eyes were invariably drawn towards him in judgement, either with open pity or open disdain.
After gesturing for a few more minutes and shrieking, he suddenly stopped and walked away towards Paragon. At the next junction, I could hear him screaming again.
I felt suddenly melancholic and in my heart, a sudden thought emerged:
I wish I could help you. I think I know how you feel.
I gave up the idea of gym and took a really long walk instead to shake of the wave of melancholy that was starting to take hold. All the way, I heard the Dave Matthews Band sing "Everyday" in my head.
And I messaged my friend back, "You're right. It doesn't go away that fast. It's awful fighting it off and I am sad."
I bought myself tea and basked in the perfect mindlessness of Martha Stewart's Living at the library. There is something very peaceful in looking at pretty pictures of a well-laid meal or picturesque living room. Went on to have a pretty nice dinner with parents later (surprisingly sane without usual sniping). I re-read an encouraging note I got from a stranger. I received a powerful prayer from SMS. Will end the night in prayer and fellowship with a good friend.
God's love will prevail. It will pick me up everyday. But it does not make the walk any easier. But it does make it more meaningful and more possible. And I guess in that sense - it gets easier. And I can say with confidence and truthfulness - I am doing alright.
______________________
Dave Matthews Band "Everyday"
"Pick me up, love!
Hey, come on come on come on
Everyday, ah
Pick me up, oh, from the bottom
Up to the top, love, everyday
Pay no mind to taunts or advances
I take my chances on everyday
Left to right
Up and down, love
I push up love, love everyday
Jump in the mud, oh
Get your hands dirty with
Love it up on everyday
All you need is
All you want is
All you need is love.
All you need is
What you want is
All you need is love.
Everyday
Everyday
Oh, everyday..."
"A little. It never lasts beyond a day but it comes and goes. I'm ok. People have been encouraging."
"How can your tiredness be gone so fast? It usually takes weeks for some."
"No choice lah. Pick up and go on lor. Pointless to mope or bitch about it."
Post conversation, I walked down Orchard this afternoon, thinking of going to the gym to workout and kill the rest of a Sunday afternoon.
At the junction between Heeren and Orchard Emerald, I heard a series of high-pitched shrieks and screams. There was a obese man in his 30s gesturing wildly at the staring crowds. His arms were just flailing around as if he was scoulding everybody.
He cut a freakish, pathetic figure in trendy Orchard Road - fat, faded red polo over his bulging belly, unflattering khaki shorts, and a tiny black backpack that accentuated his girth.
Around him, was a radius of emptiness. He was a stranger in a crowd of onlookers. Everybody was giving him a wide berth, attempting to avoid the madman physically but their eyes were invariably drawn towards him in judgement, either with open pity or open disdain.
After gesturing for a few more minutes and shrieking, he suddenly stopped and walked away towards Paragon. At the next junction, I could hear him screaming again.
I felt suddenly melancholic and in my heart, a sudden thought emerged:
I wish I could help you. I think I know how you feel.
I gave up the idea of gym and took a really long walk instead to shake of the wave of melancholy that was starting to take hold. All the way, I heard the Dave Matthews Band sing "Everyday" in my head.
And I messaged my friend back, "You're right. It doesn't go away that fast. It's awful fighting it off and I am sad."
I bought myself tea and basked in the perfect mindlessness of Martha Stewart's Living at the library. There is something very peaceful in looking at pretty pictures of a well-laid meal or picturesque living room. Went on to have a pretty nice dinner with parents later (surprisingly sane without usual sniping). I re-read an encouraging note I got from a stranger. I received a powerful prayer from SMS. Will end the night in prayer and fellowship with a good friend.
God's love will prevail. It will pick me up everyday. But it does not make the walk any easier. But it does make it more meaningful and more possible. And I guess in that sense - it gets easier. And I can say with confidence and truthfulness - I am doing alright.
______________________
Dave Matthews Band "Everyday"
"Pick me up, love!
Hey, come on come on come on
Everyday, ah
Pick me up, oh, from the bottom
Up to the top, love, everyday
Pay no mind to taunts or advances
I take my chances on everyday
Left to right
Up and down, love
I push up love, love everyday
Jump in the mud, oh
Get your hands dirty with
Love it up on everyday
All you need is
All you want is
All you need is love.
All you need is
What you want is
All you need is love.
Everyday
Everyday
Oh, everyday..."
Thursday, September 08, 2005
musing about music
TheMoth asked me on tuesday if I was the type of person who needed morose music to accompany a morose mood. I told him I never really stopped to think about it. I am a big ole Christian nerd - if I am in the pits, I search for a christian song to listen to to drag me out of depression. But yeah, I guess I do pick more morose or sober sounding christian songs to go with a sombre mood - like It is Well With My Soul, There is a Higher Throne etc. Sometimes I pick deliberately sad martyr type secular music to luxuriate in self-pity - when I was nursing my very first pummeled heart, I listened to Karen Mok's whiny "Ta Bu Ai Wo" (He doesn't Love Me). It was pretty useless in terms of making me feel better but it sure gave me a kick to whine along with the chorus!
Rust said that listening to a sad song when he was sad helped him to really Hear the song's essence - which he felt was pretty cool. I guess songs are like little time capsules. Songwriters try to capture the elusivity of personal feelings, memories or moments through tone, beat and lyrics. We hear their human experience radiate through the song, and something clicks and resonates with our own human experience. We connect with strange people, strange events and strange lives through music. From music, we get a notion of what it means to be human.
When people ask me what music I listen to, I am at a loss - I listen to all genres, all types.
I like hiphop's insidious booty-shakin' beats - Hollaback Girl, It's Like That, It's Getting Hot In Here, H To the Izzo,
I like clever mash-ups - LOVE the reimagined Deftones classic surfer anthem in Black Eyed Peas' Pump It and give me any of those bhangra infused dance tunes and I go mad.
I like cheesy memory-drenched retro - the Say It With Music vibe just gets me. Ooooh the era of the synthesiser.
I like the melodramatic over-the-topness of musicals - i have a soft spot for men singing major anguished paens on stage whether its to God (Les Mis), their nation (Chess) or to their elusive lovers (RENT)
I love the slow-burning growly cooler-than-thou of Brit Pop - beats American frat rock any day.
I like the whimsical fragility of folk - Fairground Attraction, Edie Brickell, Natalie Merchant, Damien Rice, Kings of Convenience, Mazzy Star
I like the machismo-on-steroids screaminess of Rock - come on, it's just FUN to sing Love Hurts, Bad Medicine, and of course, rock the microphone ala Axel Rose for Sweet Child of Mine
I like the poetry of slice of life tunes - Billy Joel, Tracy Chapman,
I like torch songs, slowburning and intense or light and romantic - grande dames Billy Holliday, Etta and all.
I like humourous, self-aware, frivolous pop - any Barenaked Ladies, any Britney, Madonna's Vogue, NSync's POP
I realise I love buying and listening to soundtracks, compilations or albums that sound like they could be soundtracks/compilations. I think I like albums to be a good mood scape that unconsciously spins a story within its tracks. When I hear songs, I like attaching images to them and wondering what moment in some imaginary film would this song be a good backdrop to. Pink Martini's Sympathique and Hang On Little Tomato make me imagine a giddy fling in Europe ala Before Sunset. Fairground Attraction's albums make me visualise a coming-to-age film for a young girl and her childhood guy buddy, with a romance-inducing carnival as its centrepiece.
I guess I like people. I like stories. And the closer a song makes me feel to the person who wrote it, or the character who it is about just gets my groove going. Which reminds me...man, I am so dying to go dance. Been ages since I went to a good club with kickass tunes! Anyone in the know of good places with danceable music let me know. Am soooooooo out of it. Got live music lagi best. :)
Rust said that listening to a sad song when he was sad helped him to really Hear the song's essence - which he felt was pretty cool. I guess songs are like little time capsules. Songwriters try to capture the elusivity of personal feelings, memories or moments through tone, beat and lyrics. We hear their human experience radiate through the song, and something clicks and resonates with our own human experience. We connect with strange people, strange events and strange lives through music. From music, we get a notion of what it means to be human.
When people ask me what music I listen to, I am at a loss - I listen to all genres, all types.
I like hiphop's insidious booty-shakin' beats - Hollaback Girl, It's Like That, It's Getting Hot In Here, H To the Izzo,
I like clever mash-ups - LOVE the reimagined Deftones classic surfer anthem in Black Eyed Peas' Pump It and give me any of those bhangra infused dance tunes and I go mad.
I like cheesy memory-drenched retro - the Say It With Music vibe just gets me. Ooooh the era of the synthesiser.
I like the melodramatic over-the-topness of musicals - i have a soft spot for men singing major anguished paens on stage whether its to God (Les Mis), their nation (Chess) or to their elusive lovers (RENT)
I love the slow-burning growly cooler-than-thou of Brit Pop - beats American frat rock any day.
I like the whimsical fragility of folk - Fairground Attraction, Edie Brickell, Natalie Merchant, Damien Rice, Kings of Convenience, Mazzy Star
I like the machismo-on-steroids screaminess of Rock - come on, it's just FUN to sing Love Hurts, Bad Medicine, and of course, rock the microphone ala Axel Rose for Sweet Child of Mine
I like the poetry of slice of life tunes - Billy Joel, Tracy Chapman,
I like torch songs, slowburning and intense or light and romantic - grande dames Billy Holliday, Etta and all.
I like humourous, self-aware, frivolous pop - any Barenaked Ladies, any Britney, Madonna's Vogue, NSync's POP
I realise I love buying and listening to soundtracks, compilations or albums that sound like they could be soundtracks/compilations. I think I like albums to be a good mood scape that unconsciously spins a story within its tracks. When I hear songs, I like attaching images to them and wondering what moment in some imaginary film would this song be a good backdrop to. Pink Martini's Sympathique and Hang On Little Tomato make me imagine a giddy fling in Europe ala Before Sunset. Fairground Attraction's albums make me visualise a coming-to-age film for a young girl and her childhood guy buddy, with a romance-inducing carnival as its centrepiece.
I guess I like people. I like stories. And the closer a song makes me feel to the person who wrote it, or the character who it is about just gets my groove going. Which reminds me...man, I am so dying to go dance. Been ages since I went to a good club with kickass tunes! Anyone in the know of good places with danceable music let me know. Am soooooooo out of it. Got live music lagi best. :)
Tuesday, September 06, 2005
the road is long
so outed in the blogosphere....mrkaif is tired, island is tired, rust is tired and now i add on to the tired-out-from-ministry-but-not-in-a-bad-way meme. :)
today, i had sent out a prayer SOS via SMS around lunchtime because I felt a wave of tiredness come over me as I was preparing for bible study in the National Library. Somewhere between thinking of ways to get people to open up about what they really felt about heaven, I just felt suddenly helpless and lonely in ministry. I sensed it was gonna be one of those "suddenly cry" from exhaustion moments. I had one before last year in church service which a few people witnessed (to my initial chagrin) even though I tried my best to escape via the back stairwell. God has a wierd sense of humour that's all i can say - try to escape and He just puts person after person in front of you to keep you from falling.
I knew a wave of misery was coming on because for the past week, I could see the symptoms starting in me - the feeling of loneliness in a crowd; paranoia about the sincerity and intentions of people; emptiness of feeling in the heart; snide judgementalism brewing in my mind. Stuffed it down as much as I could until today.
Occasionally I get hit by emotional exhaustion. In my work as a teacher and in my ministry, I try to maintain high levels of emotional and mental energy. In a small group setting, the teacher sets the overall tone and direction of the discussion and if the teacher lapses in energy level, the level of thoughtfulness in the classroom can plummet. I try to invest a lot of personal feeling into my church and non-church work as I feel when I am tempted to emotionally detach or become impersonal, I have failed in my role as a teacher and cell group leader, a relationship builder.
I doubt I will ever be exhausted enough to start to despise God, but I recognise that the temptation to despise people is far stronger. Sometimes I am tempted to think unkind thoughts about others in church. Like Island, sometimes I just wish more people could step up to serve, especially in areas where you are not that indispensable. Sometimes it can make you cold and resentful if you are not careful to guard your heart with God's truth and love. From the account of the Mary vs Martha tale, we know to serve actively with resentment in your heart is a terrible and saddening sight to Jesus.
Anyhow, thanks to the sweet messages of encouragement from various people on my SOS network and HKgal's affirming prayers, it was not hard to feel better and more motivated to stay on course.
Once you go out on a limb to live and love God's way, you have chosen a life which stakes all your heart, all your soul, all your mind and all your strength. No 2 ways about it. It is exhausting, daunting and seemingly discouraging at times but focusing on God's bigger picture, remembering his Kingdom will Come makes me go on.
Loneliness, exhaustion and resentment may attempt to snare me but they cannot for He makes my feet fleet as a deer. Tired as I may be, I find comfort that even mighty and beloved King David had his terrible moments of lonely, complain-worthy misery that He triumphed over simply by depending on God and remembering he had a responsibility to hold onto the truth of God rather than his complaints.
Psalm 142
A maskil of David. When he was in the cave. A prayer. [a]
1 I cry aloud to the LORD;
I lift up my voice to the LORD for mercy.
2 I pour out my complaint before him;
before him I tell my trouble.
3 When my spirit grows faint within me,
it is you who know my way.
In the path where I walk
men have hidden a snare for me.
4 Look to my right and see;
no one is concerned for me.
I have no refuge;
no one cares for my life.
5 I cry to you, O LORD;
I say, "You are my refuge,
my portion in the land of the living."
6 Listen to my cry,
for I am in desperate need;
rescue me from those who pursue me,
for they are too strong for me.
7 Set me free from my prison,
that I may praise your name.
Then the righteous will gather about me
because of your goodness to me.
you said it, David, my man. It's all about praising His name.
Hang on fellow tired, marathon runners, we can do this. We just gotta pick each other up and move one step at a time, our eye on the finish line of His KIngdom.
tired now. eyes closing. Gotta go to bed now. :)
today, i had sent out a prayer SOS via SMS around lunchtime because I felt a wave of tiredness come over me as I was preparing for bible study in the National Library. Somewhere between thinking of ways to get people to open up about what they really felt about heaven, I just felt suddenly helpless and lonely in ministry. I sensed it was gonna be one of those "suddenly cry" from exhaustion moments. I had one before last year in church service which a few people witnessed (to my initial chagrin) even though I tried my best to escape via the back stairwell. God has a wierd sense of humour that's all i can say - try to escape and He just puts person after person in front of you to keep you from falling.
I knew a wave of misery was coming on because for the past week, I could see the symptoms starting in me - the feeling of loneliness in a crowd; paranoia about the sincerity and intentions of people; emptiness of feeling in the heart; snide judgementalism brewing in my mind. Stuffed it down as much as I could until today.
Occasionally I get hit by emotional exhaustion. In my work as a teacher and in my ministry, I try to maintain high levels of emotional and mental energy. In a small group setting, the teacher sets the overall tone and direction of the discussion and if the teacher lapses in energy level, the level of thoughtfulness in the classroom can plummet. I try to invest a lot of personal feeling into my church and non-church work as I feel when I am tempted to emotionally detach or become impersonal, I have failed in my role as a teacher and cell group leader, a relationship builder.
I doubt I will ever be exhausted enough to start to despise God, but I recognise that the temptation to despise people is far stronger. Sometimes I am tempted to think unkind thoughts about others in church. Like Island, sometimes I just wish more people could step up to serve, especially in areas where you are not that indispensable. Sometimes it can make you cold and resentful if you are not careful to guard your heart with God's truth and love. From the account of the Mary vs Martha tale, we know to serve actively with resentment in your heart is a terrible and saddening sight to Jesus.
Anyhow, thanks to the sweet messages of encouragement from various people on my SOS network and HKgal's affirming prayers, it was not hard to feel better and more motivated to stay on course.
Once you go out on a limb to live and love God's way, you have chosen a life which stakes all your heart, all your soul, all your mind and all your strength. No 2 ways about it. It is exhausting, daunting and seemingly discouraging at times but focusing on God's bigger picture, remembering his Kingdom will Come makes me go on.
Loneliness, exhaustion and resentment may attempt to snare me but they cannot for He makes my feet fleet as a deer. Tired as I may be, I find comfort that even mighty and beloved King David had his terrible moments of lonely, complain-worthy misery that He triumphed over simply by depending on God and remembering he had a responsibility to hold onto the truth of God rather than his complaints.
Psalm 142
A maskil of David. When he was in the cave. A prayer. [a]
1 I cry aloud to the LORD;
I lift up my voice to the LORD for mercy.
2 I pour out my complaint before him;
before him I tell my trouble.
3 When my spirit grows faint within me,
it is you who know my way.
In the path where I walk
men have hidden a snare for me.
4 Look to my right and see;
no one is concerned for me.
I have no refuge;
no one cares for my life.
5 I cry to you, O LORD;
I say, "You are my refuge,
my portion in the land of the living."
6 Listen to my cry,
for I am in desperate need;
rescue me from those who pursue me,
for they are too strong for me.
7 Set me free from my prison,
that I may praise your name.
Then the righteous will gather about me
because of your goodness to me.
you said it, David, my man. It's all about praising His name.
Hang on fellow tired, marathon runners, we can do this. We just gotta pick each other up and move one step at a time, our eye on the finish line of His KIngdom.
tired now. eyes closing. Gotta go to bed now. :)
Friday, September 02, 2005
Meme, Myself and I
Went to a Christian discussion group today....discussing the implications of globalisation on the Church. Wish you were there to contribute, SpottedOwl!
Dinner was good and the house is as always....one kind of a wah lau darn cool. It is built for uber-hospitality. Macham Balinese resort. Apparently, the hyper-genial host regularly opens up his home for missionaries to stay. Lucky missionaries!!!! :)
But seriously now, watching how an encouraging word could take root and bounce from people to people, infecting them with enthusiasm got me thinking about memes.
I think the concept of a meme is pretty cool. Ideas do have a life of their own - thoughts voiced out capture our imaginations and trigger off a chain reaction of thoughts in other people's minds.
According to the Mighty Wikipedia (love!): "Though memeticists do not generally agree on a specific definition, one can roughly define 'meme' as any piece of information transferable from one mind to another. Examples might include thoughts, ideas, theories, practices, habits, songs, dances and moods."
It's interesting to see how the collective mind works. In the little blogosphere of ARPC where we all sneakily read each others' blogs like fervent lurkers, it's kinda cool to see how what one blogger writes starts off another blogger on a tangent of their own. A chain of thoughtfulness gets initiated.
It's one of the reasons why I blog about my Christian walk. I think it's important for people to verbalise what they are doing or what they are struggling with. From a Christian point of view, it's about meeting the need to encourage others, being a salt and light, a city on a hill in your culture.
Of course. this must be constantly tempered with awareness that there is a thin line between being open and being boastful or prideful. After all, Jesus cautioned about "not letting your right hand know what your left hand is doing" and admonished the Pharisees for strutting up and down the street with loud, obvious look-at-me prayers.
From a secular perspective, I blog because I see it has a viral effect. Put out encouraging, edifying thoughts into the collective mindscape and watch the meme take a life on its own. It's pretty cool.
Memes of course can backfire on you - talk about the nastyness or silly things and watch the idea grow ALIENS-like and fester in our culture.
Really.
Watch how fast it takes for somebody's favourite catchphrase or intonation to manifest in the speech among a circle of friends. The more prominent a person, the more charismatic or outspoken a person, the more catching the meme. Cool but Scarys-ya?
Memes are like thought viruses that way. Makes one really start to see why the Bible put so much emphasis on guarding one's tongue!
Was discussing with a Christian group today about why gays feel uncomfortable in church even if there was no obvious prejudice and persecution. Gay Christians I talked to felt there was a vibe of exclusion, unconscious but present. Why do some church cultures seem unsafe or unwelcoming to their gay members such that so many of them are driven to set up their own para churches?
Discriminatory jokes, disparaging remarks, caustic side comments by their heterosexual peers seem to go a long way in drawing up divisions where there should not be. With irresponsible words we start off a little meme that quietly but viciously encourages others to follow suit. Discouragement ensues.
There are plenty of other marginalised groups in church and society - singles, people who are not highly educated, people who are not within a certain income bracket etc.
If I regularly bemoan how I hate the way I look, or how little I earn, or how I hate Singaporeans or how shallow men are, or how turning 20/30/40/50 sucks blahblahblah, it is not entirely surprising that it returns to bite me.
I have fueled the meme. I have helped create the very culture I despise.
My theory is that this meme thingee tells us somewhat how self-fulfilling prophecies work. We put the vicious thought out there, we watch it grow as we nourish it continously with loving repetition. The thought takes root in our culture and then comes back to haunt us in a dozen other discouraging voices. We think, "Yeah, see, I was right, the world is like that. Sucks man"
Moral of story for moi: always sow a couple of encouraging messages into the culture each day, be it through word of mouth, SMS, art or whatever medium of choice. Just do it. Spread da lurrrrrrve. Spread da truth.
Hmmmm anyway, those are loose thoughts post a cool discussion. Too pooped to see if I am making sense.
Dinner was good and the house is as always....one kind of a wah lau darn cool. It is built for uber-hospitality. Macham Balinese resort. Apparently, the hyper-genial host regularly opens up his home for missionaries to stay. Lucky missionaries!!!! :)
But seriously now, watching how an encouraging word could take root and bounce from people to people, infecting them with enthusiasm got me thinking about memes.
I think the concept of a meme is pretty cool. Ideas do have a life of their own - thoughts voiced out capture our imaginations and trigger off a chain reaction of thoughts in other people's minds.
According to the Mighty Wikipedia (love!): "Though memeticists do not generally agree on a specific definition, one can roughly define 'meme' as any piece of information transferable from one mind to another. Examples might include thoughts, ideas, theories, practices, habits, songs, dances and moods."
It's interesting to see how the collective mind works. In the little blogosphere of ARPC where we all sneakily read each others' blogs like fervent lurkers, it's kinda cool to see how what one blogger writes starts off another blogger on a tangent of their own. A chain of thoughtfulness gets initiated.
It's one of the reasons why I blog about my Christian walk. I think it's important for people to verbalise what they are doing or what they are struggling with. From a Christian point of view, it's about meeting the need to encourage others, being a salt and light, a city on a hill in your culture.
Of course. this must be constantly tempered with awareness that there is a thin line between being open and being boastful or prideful. After all, Jesus cautioned about "not letting your right hand know what your left hand is doing" and admonished the Pharisees for strutting up and down the street with loud, obvious look-at-me prayers.
From a secular perspective, I blog because I see it has a viral effect. Put out encouraging, edifying thoughts into the collective mindscape and watch the meme take a life on its own. It's pretty cool.
Memes of course can backfire on you - talk about the nastyness or silly things and watch the idea grow ALIENS-like and fester in our culture.
Really.
Watch how fast it takes for somebody's favourite catchphrase or intonation to manifest in the speech among a circle of friends. The more prominent a person, the more charismatic or outspoken a person, the more catching the meme. Cool but Scarys-ya?
Memes are like thought viruses that way. Makes one really start to see why the Bible put so much emphasis on guarding one's tongue!
Was discussing with a Christian group today about why gays feel uncomfortable in church even if there was no obvious prejudice and persecution. Gay Christians I talked to felt there was a vibe of exclusion, unconscious but present. Why do some church cultures seem unsafe or unwelcoming to their gay members such that so many of them are driven to set up their own para churches?
Discriminatory jokes, disparaging remarks, caustic side comments by their heterosexual peers seem to go a long way in drawing up divisions where there should not be. With irresponsible words we start off a little meme that quietly but viciously encourages others to follow suit. Discouragement ensues.
There are plenty of other marginalised groups in church and society - singles, people who are not highly educated, people who are not within a certain income bracket etc.
If I regularly bemoan how I hate the way I look, or how little I earn, or how I hate Singaporeans or how shallow men are, or how turning 20/30/40/50 sucks blahblahblah, it is not entirely surprising that it returns to bite me.
I have fueled the meme. I have helped create the very culture I despise.
My theory is that this meme thingee tells us somewhat how self-fulfilling prophecies work. We put the vicious thought out there, we watch it grow as we nourish it continously with loving repetition. The thought takes root in our culture and then comes back to haunt us in a dozen other discouraging voices. We think, "Yeah, see, I was right, the world is like that. Sucks man"
Moral of story for moi: always sow a couple of encouraging messages into the culture each day, be it through word of mouth, SMS, art or whatever medium of choice. Just do it. Spread da lurrrrrrve. Spread da truth.
Hmmmm anyway, those are loose thoughts post a cool discussion. Too pooped to see if I am making sense.
Tuesday, August 30, 2005
bent but not broken
there are days where i feel like the bird i wrote about in april - bent, wretched and forced into a position i do not want to be in.
The bad days never last as long as they did before I was a Christian but nevertheless they do make their appearances - a brief but still impactful presence.
1 Pet 4:11 says "Whoever speaks must do so as one speaking the very words of God; whoever serves must do so with the strength that God supplies, so that God may be glorified in all things through Jesus Christ."
I find these words both inspiring and intimidating. The last thing you want to do when you are stuck in sorrow and pain is to glorify God and exhort His ways. You don't want to pray for the enemy, you want to hurt them. You don't want to be the upright, godly person all the time...it's not always fun, and it's tiring at times. Sometimes playing the whiney, discontent just looks so much more cathartic.
When tears want to come out and when your heart wants to hurt, they will do so whether you like it or not. No matter how much you prepare your heart and gird it with steel determination, you cannot stop them. Pain will have its wicked way with you.
I wish encouragement was found in every minutae of life. I wish every person around me was a fount of confidence and delight I can draw from. I wish everything was perfect.
But the jarring ugliness of family quarrels, the distances between people and the remnants of hopes dashed continue to haunt each day. Like ghosts, they remind me that I do not live in a perfect world.
Sorry, my dear Belinda Carlise, much as you and I want it to be - Heaven Is most certainly Not A Place On Earth.
In Psalms 73:26, we are reminded "My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever"
Bent but not broken, God picks up each of us and and urges, "Walk on. I will be the strength in you. I will be the column that holds up the broken pieces." Sometimes He is gentle about it and picks us up by the hand, sometimes He is forceful and picks you up by the scruff of your neck.
Either way, He picks you up and moves your feet stubbornly back on course. He is firm about it.
I learnt an important truth in 1 Peter 2:9 "But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people belonging to God, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light."
I used to find those words stirring simply because of the cadence, choice of words and imagery. Its quite another thing when you look at those words and see that God means it. It's not fancy rhetoric. That's when the words become truly scary and truly encouraging.
We are more than ordinary people. Somehow we have become a royal priesthood. And priests more than their duties of spiritual sacrifice and upright living are called to preserve the truth of God for who else would do so?
So in pain, I have a choice. I can mourn and mope and fling it in people's faces for no other reason than how good it makes me feel to just let go and be irresponsible.
Or I can remember that the world has enough of people like that, inside and outside the church. If I add to that, I am just propagating the very culture that I wish to stop.
LIke it or not, I have a truth to preserve and hold onto, no matter what my circumstance. I must not take away courage from another person, I must not take away their joy, I must not undermine their faith. I must not allow my petty grieviances, my short-term pains become the root of someone else's long-term doubt.
There is a Truth in the world and it takes the choices of ordinary men and women to preserve it. If I know better, I must not be found wanting at any moment. I do not have the luxury of ignorance.
I cannot. I must not. I will not give in to Temptation. God will see to it. I know He will.
The bad days never last as long as they did before I was a Christian but nevertheless they do make their appearances - a brief but still impactful presence.
1 Pet 4:11 says "Whoever speaks must do so as one speaking the very words of God; whoever serves must do so with the strength that God supplies, so that God may be glorified in all things through Jesus Christ."
I find these words both inspiring and intimidating. The last thing you want to do when you are stuck in sorrow and pain is to glorify God and exhort His ways. You don't want to pray for the enemy, you want to hurt them. You don't want to be the upright, godly person all the time...it's not always fun, and it's tiring at times. Sometimes playing the whiney, discontent just looks so much more cathartic.
When tears want to come out and when your heart wants to hurt, they will do so whether you like it or not. No matter how much you prepare your heart and gird it with steel determination, you cannot stop them. Pain will have its wicked way with you.
I wish encouragement was found in every minutae of life. I wish every person around me was a fount of confidence and delight I can draw from. I wish everything was perfect.
But the jarring ugliness of family quarrels, the distances between people and the remnants of hopes dashed continue to haunt each day. Like ghosts, they remind me that I do not live in a perfect world.
Sorry, my dear Belinda Carlise, much as you and I want it to be - Heaven Is most certainly Not A Place On Earth.
In Psalms 73:26, we are reminded "My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever"
Bent but not broken, God picks up each of us and and urges, "Walk on. I will be the strength in you. I will be the column that holds up the broken pieces." Sometimes He is gentle about it and picks us up by the hand, sometimes He is forceful and picks you up by the scruff of your neck.
Either way, He picks you up and moves your feet stubbornly back on course. He is firm about it.
I learnt an important truth in 1 Peter 2:9 "But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people belonging to God, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light."
I used to find those words stirring simply because of the cadence, choice of words and imagery. Its quite another thing when you look at those words and see that God means it. It's not fancy rhetoric. That's when the words become truly scary and truly encouraging.
We are more than ordinary people. Somehow we have become a royal priesthood. And priests more than their duties of spiritual sacrifice and upright living are called to preserve the truth of God for who else would do so?
So in pain, I have a choice. I can mourn and mope and fling it in people's faces for no other reason than how good it makes me feel to just let go and be irresponsible.
Or I can remember that the world has enough of people like that, inside and outside the church. If I add to that, I am just propagating the very culture that I wish to stop.
LIke it or not, I have a truth to preserve and hold onto, no matter what my circumstance. I must not take away courage from another person, I must not take away their joy, I must not undermine their faith. I must not allow my petty grieviances, my short-term pains become the root of someone else's long-term doubt.
There is a Truth in the world and it takes the choices of ordinary men and women to preserve it. If I know better, I must not be found wanting at any moment. I do not have the luxury of ignorance.
I cannot. I must not. I will not give in to Temptation. God will see to it. I know He will.
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